Quote of the week:

“So, I took the enema and I feel much better.”

This lovely little gem was spoken by a hairy, naked Russian man this morning in the locker room where I work (no, there are no locker rooms at Taco Bell, genius) as I poured myself a cup of morning joe. After throwing up in my mouth, I returned to my office with great alacrity and updated my resume. The vision of this event is certain to haunt me for decades to come; oh joy.

Will the Last One Left at the Party Please Turn of the Fondue Pot!

I know that New Orleans is not the same city it was before W and his minions turned in a Mets-esque performance in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the way BCS National Championship contenders are getting kicked in the d*&k you’d think the game was being held in Tehran (by the way, nice performance in NYC, Ahmadinejad! Fantastic impression of a talking penis!). Does anyone outside of Columbus want to be in New Orleans in early January!?! The situation is at the point where pretty soon we will be discussing the resumes of the best 2 loss teams in the country.

Well, given the fact that I am the smartest man on the planet, I will once again predict the future (earlier predictions include Bill Callahan’s demise at the University of Corn Science, Hugh Charles emerging as the best back in the Big 12, and the Colorado Rockies winning the National League Pennant…ok, I didn’t predict that one until Game 3 of the NLCS, but it still counts, muthaf*&kahs! Quick side note – do the Rockies get actual pennants like the ones we hung in our rooms as kids? If so, that is really, really cool.). Now, back to the road-to-New Orleans-even-though-no-team-will-travel-on-an-actual-road preview of the final five twelfths of the 2008 college football season!

George Clooney Division: Yes, I have a man crush on George Clooney. A fine man, a fine actor, a bleeding heart lefty like me, and a snappy dresser…he is at the top of the food chain, hommies.

Ohio State – Since there is very little else to do in Columbus (trust me on this one), Bucks fans can turn away from pathological over-eating and focus on future pathological over-eating in New Orleans. However, a date with the suddenly resurgent Wolverines in Ann Arbor could get a bit sticky (rumor has it that Michigan will coat the Big House field with a fine layer of peanut butter, honey, and vegemite). Surprisingly, the Bucks have flown somewhat under the radar this season mostly due to the fact that the Big 10 looks more like CUSA at this point. However, this is the same type of team with which the Bucks won it all in 2001, and they may just do it again…but they won’t.

Boston College – Matt Ryan is the best quarterback in the country not playing for the University of Kentucky and BC has a relatively easy road to New Orleans. Their fate will be decided next weekend as they travel to Blacksburg to face a still over-rated Hokies squad (can you get more hick than a team from Appalachia with the moniker of Hokies? Maybe Hee Haw University should just change its name from Mountaineers to the Branchless Family Trees and get it over with). BC will win in Blacksburg, but will lose on the road to Under Armour U in a few weeks.

LSU – Despite losing a game they should have won last week, LSU will run the table, win the SEC Championship, and will win the whole thing in a virtual home game in New Orleans. This team has too much talent to give up 43 points to Kentucky, but yet it happened. I don’t see the Bayou Bengals allowing anyone else off the mat like they did last week in Lexington.

Kentucky – Had the Wildcats not lost to South Carolina earlier this year, they would be in much better position to get to NO. However, Kentucky has very little chance of making it to the SEC CG much less the BCS CG, and look for them to drop at least one more game this season (at Vandy or at UGa).

South Carolina – I would do back flips if the Game Carks found their way to NO to face Ohio State. The thought of a Spurrier holding court with the national media makes me giddy. Sadly, the South Carolina will lose again to LSU in the SEC CG and we will be left with the always gregarious Jim Tressel and the homespun magic of Les Miles. Whoopie! Cheetos for everyone!

Oklahoma – Who have they beaten? Exactly. Who’s left on their schedule? Exactly.

Neil Patrick Harris Division: If you don’t believe me that NPH is to be revered, then rent Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and witness firsthand the magic that is NPH.

Cal – How on Earth do you lose to Oregon State at home with a National Championship on the line!?! Sad.

West Virginia – With South Florida’s loss in Piscataway to Rutgers, the door to the Big East Championship is now open (there is an actual door…I’ve seen it…it changed my life.). This is a fantastic TV team, and I look forward to seeing them back in a BCS bowl.

Kansas – No. Nah. Well…Is it possible for the Fighting Manginos to run the table? Maybe. Surviving road trips to Boulder (shut up, Brandon), College Station, Stillwater, and Mount Rushmore will not be easy, but at least the good folks in Larry will have something to focus on before turning their attention to Bill Self’s hoop team as they gear up for another run at a first-round exit in March.

Arizona State – I have no idea if this team is good enough to play with the big boys, and the loss of Ryan Torrain will not help matters much. ASU has had a nice run, but with Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC in the next four weeks the run will go Gump (get it…Forest Gump…stops running IN THE DESERT…Arizona State is in the desert…forget it).

Oregon – The Ducks may end up as one of the teams on the outside looking in. With home games against SC, ASU, the Ducks could finish the season 11-1 with W’s over Michigan, USC, and ASU (all of whom may be ranked in the top 15 at season’s end). Oregon will win the PAC-10 and will face West Virginia in the Rose Bowl. Hee Haw comes to Hollywood! Quick, someone see if we can arrange a party at Chaz Sheen’s place in Malibu for Junior, Couter, and the rest of the Pyle nation.

Willie Ames Division: Do I need to say anything else?

USC – Stanford.

Florida – I can’t wait to see Ole Ball Coach punch Urban “I Have the Personality of Carpet” Meyer dead in the face on November 10th sending the Gators to their 5th loss in 6 games (losses – Auburn, LSU, Kentucky this weekend, Georgia in two weeks, and South Carolina). I hayte Florida!

South Florida – Rutgers. This is a much better loss than USC’s, Oklahoma’s or Cal’s. Rutgers is better than their record and the Big East is the third best conference in the county behind the SEC and Pac 10. However, programs like South Florida will not get the same benefit of the doubt as the big boys.

From the Dexter Manley Library of Things with Little Symbols and Numbers:

The Children by David Halberstam – If you can pull yourself away from the sports section of your local Border’s, check out this title by one of the best American authors of the 20th century. Halberstam, who unfortunately passed away in 2007, chronicles his life as a young reporter working in Nashville during the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960’s and his time spent following a phenomenal group of black college students and their struggle to change a nation and a culture. This is a fantastic read, and you may actually learn something.



Roman, you need to read this book and you need to make your students read it. You will thank me!

Cool Like Sandals and Black Socks:

I saw 43 Year Old Man (like Superman, but with more money, a bigger ego, and a smaller…) driving a brand new Corvette the other day sporting a “no man is my equal and I have Scarlett Johansson on speed dial” look, Top Gun sunglasses, Ted Danson boat shoes sans sock, and a Polo shirt complete with the popped collar while listening to Foreigner for all of us fortunate enough to be in his presence to hear. I love 43 Year Old Man. He is so rad.

Would someone tell men in their mid-40s that driving a corvette is NO LONGER COOL!

I Will Call Him, George. I Will Love Him, and Hug Him, and Kiss Him:

I am going to shoot the next person who names a college football Saturday with hollow-point Nerf bullets at point blank range. I swear I’ll do it; I am that f*&king crazy. It’s Like That.

Survival Saturday, Showdown Saturday, Removing the Corns from My Feet Saturday, Barium enema Saturday, Full Frontal Bingo Saturday, Constipation and Cocktails Saturday, Paying Drunk People to Eat Stuff Saturday (aka, The Don Jones Memorial Competition of Ingesting Borderline Safe Substances Saturday)…

Quietly Crying in the Corner While Sucking My Thumb:

That last section brought tears to my eyes thinking of the halcyon days of when Nerf was one of the top 3 most important things in my life. I think that more stuff should be made from Nerf. Don’t underestimate the power of Nerf. Think about it! Have you ever not smiled when Nerf was prominently involved? Exactly! Just saying Nerf makes me smile. So do kittens, and peaches, and unicorns and meat and tacos, yeah, I love tacos, and marble counter tops, and ping pong, and Karaoke, and Hank Kingsley, and cumin and they way deer poop forms in little balls, and corn.

Wait! He’s Still Alive!?!

Everyone here at the Journal would like to wish Kenny Lofton a happy 73rd birthday!

Basebol Has Been Berry, Berry Good to Me:

I have watched exactly 794 hours of baseball in the past 6 weeks, and I have to say that I have never had this much fun following the sport that still holds a place in the hearts of American men that neither football nor ultimate Frisbee will ever reach. If you live in Colorado, and you don’t do everything short of beating up an old lady (over 75) to get World Series tickets then you cannot justifiably call yourself a sports fan.

Like No One Saw This Coming:

As inevitable as morning wood waking up to say “hello” 30 seconds before the bell rings at the end of your freshman year algebra class, Bill Callahan is on his way out at Nebraska…shocker. This guy is a joke, and Nebraska did the right thing by firing Steve Pederson and unthawing Dr. Tom from the cryogenic chamber to lead the search for a new head coach. Money here says that they go with a Nebraska guy, so look for Buffalo head coach, Turner Gill to get a call from Dr. Tom.

Lickable Links:

Every time you read the magic that is this journal, I am sure that you shake your head and utter, “How can one man know so much when I know so little?” The sheer force of this imbalance may cause the Earth to spin uncontrollably off its axis; how can I stop this catastrophe before it’s too late!?!” Well, you can’t. However, in the meantime, you can check out these links for some fun before the inferno commences.

www.cfn.scout.com
http://sports-ak.espn.go.com/ncf/index
http://buffzone.com/blogs/
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

Classic Quote:

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
It jumped up a notch. It did, didn't it? Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart. I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident? Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident. Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

If you don’t know what movie this is from then you suck. Yeah, you do. You suck. Sucky, suck, suck! Suckah! Suck.

I would love, LOVE to get in a fight like that with my boys. Man, that would be so freaking cool.

Brilliant Insight:

Does anyone really care that Charles in Charge is 45 and single? Or 55 and balding? Or 65 and has a UTI? Or 75 and scaring young children? Or 85 and in diapers?

VHI: The Dumping Ground for Celebrities Who Are No Longer Relevant to Anyone on the Planet Other Than Themselves!

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I have started an online petition to make hockey illegal below the 42nd parallel. Go to www.savehockeyforcanadacausethatsallwehaveotherthanNickelbackgodwehateNickelback.com/banhockey/nerf/Molson/Lorne/Barenakedladies.html to sign the petition. You have the power to give the gift of hockey. You have the power to give the good people of Winnipeg, Regina, Hamilton, Quebec City, Halifax, PEI, and Saskatoon a reason to act violently Canadian once more! Hockey does not belong in Phoenix, Anaheim, Nashville (I mean, WTF), Florida, Carolina, and, yes, even Denver! Hockey belongs in a place where it is truly understood, and will be nurtured, and allowed to flourish! Break open a Labatt’s, put on some pants, and log on to save a sport, and more importantly, to save a country and its people! Thank you. Oh, Canada, my home and native land…

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

As I write this, I am watching UCONN vs. Soon-to-be-on-probation-thanks-to-Coach-Cal-and-Bobby-Petrino University for the second time. That one actually hurts a bit.

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

From ESPN.com - WACO, Texas –
The Baylor assistant football coach cited for public urination resigned Thursday.
Offensive line coach Eric Schnupp was suspended indefinitely by the university this week after being cited for urinating on the bar at a tavern. His resignation was effective immediately.
Schnupp was in his first season at Baylor, the world's largest Baptist university. He spent the previous three seasons coaching the offensive line at West Texas A&M.
Head coach Guy Morriss and offensive coordinator Lee Hays will oversee the offensive line. Morriss had doubled as offensive line coach before hiring Schnupp during the offseason.
Schnupp wasn't arrested but issued a citation early Sunday for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure at Scruffy Murphy's, police said. The citation is a Class C misdemeanor carrying a $258 fine, according to Waco Municipal Court.
Bartender Danny Severe said an employee saw Schnupp urinating on the bar, and a manager told police officers who were there on an unrelated matter, the Waco Tribune-Herald reported Tuesday.
The incident occurred several hours after the team had returned from Lawrence, Kan., where the Bears lost to Kansas 58-10.
Maybe he should have peed on Mark Mangino instead. Let’s just move on.

Brushes with Greatness:

Paul Reiser nearly ran me over with his Range Rover at a time when he still had a career.

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You:

Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain.

Overall Record:
57-39-2

Hammerlocks:
19-10-1

Week 8 Games:

Texas A&M +2 at Nebraska – This one is too easy. Nebraska is circling the drain, and the events of the past week have not helped. A&M is fantastically miasmic, but Nebraska is DOA.

Okie State -2.5 vs. Kansas State – K State got torched by Hugh Charles last week for nearly 180 yards, and the Buffs ran for well over 200 yards against a fast, but undersized Wildcat defense. This game is about matchups, and that’s bad news for the Kitties. Oklahoma State has averaged nearly 275 yards on the ground over their last 3 ballgames and they should find plenty of room to run Saturday. K State’s preparation and special teams will keep this close, but the Cowboys will cover (but not by much).

Tennessee -1 at Alabama – Who do you root for here? Fullmer? Saban? Yikes. Let’s hope this one ends at zeros in regulation and goes about 7 OTs before Tennessee kicks the game winner to leave Tuscaloosa with a dominating 3-0 win.

Virginia +4 at Maryland – Virginia has won six in a row, with 4 of those W’s coming by less than 6 points. This one will be close, and I will happily take the points.

Michigan -1 at Illinois – Mike Hart is a game time decision, so I don’t love this game. However, I like the story that is developing in Ann Arbor and the possibility of Michigan recovering from a catastrophic beginning to face Ohio State for the Big 10 title. If Michigan wins the Big 10, Lloyd Carr should get a contract extension, and no, I am not high. High, that’s funny word. Hey, man…I need some Funions bad!

Elton John Game of the Week:

CU +3.5 vs. Kansas – CU will beat Kansas straight up on Saturday. The moon is made of cheese. Kittens are agents of the devil. And finally, quilts can be melted and turned into marshmallow cream. I truly believe all of these things.

Moneyline Game of the Week:

Kentucky +220 vs. Florida – I am not buying Florida this year. They looked ridiculously good against Tennessee earlier this year, but have not been consistent offensively since then. Kentucky will score and score often. Forget the points; Florida will not be able to do enough offensively to leave Kentucky with a W. (Yes, that’s right! I bolded it! Yes folks, that is how I roll! Are people still saying this? Has it jumped the shark? Are people still saying jump the shark? Have I jumped the shark?)

Headed for B-List Hell on VH1 Game of the Week:

FSU -4.5 vs. Miami – This game has no meaning. Wow.

Why We Have AM Radio Games of the Week:

Penn State -7 at Indiana – Honey, it’s..it’s not…it’s not o…THE F*&KING GAME IS NOT ON TV! Go downstairs and listen to the game on the radio. I am going to watch Grey’s.

Too Lazy to Write Much Games of the Week:

Cincy -9.5 at Pitt – I will be sad to see the Manstache go…only 4 more weeks! Get your Dave Wannstedt Magical Manstache Tour tickets before it’s too late.

South Carolina -13.5 vs. Vanderbilt – Too much on the line for the Game Carks to do anything but dominate.

UNLV -2.5 vs. CSU – CSU has lost 136 games in a row. Vegas will make that 137. Let’s all celebrate by doing the forbidden dance…everybody, La Bamba or is it Lambada..ah, screw it.

Too Lazy to Write Anything Games of the Week:

Wake -3 at Navy
Mississippi +5 vs. Arkansas
Air Force -3 vs. Wyoming
New Mexico -8.5 at SDSU
Oregon -13 at Washington

Guantanamo Bay Game of the Week:
Rice PICK EM vs. Memphis – U – G – L – Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, hey, hey, you ugly..

Over/Under Games of the Week:

Fresno State vs. SJSU – OVER 57.5
Cincy vs. Pitt – UNDER 50

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Texas Tech +3.5 at Missouri – Texas Tech is such a difficult team to prepare for because you only see this scheme once a year. Tech is good, and they will put up big numbers against an average Missouri secondary. This is a huge game for both teams, and look for Tech to leave Columbia with a W.

Michigan State +18.5 at Ohio State – Michigan State is the best team Ohio State has played this year, and Mark Dantonio gave Tressel fits when he was at Cincy. Ohio State will win rather easily, but the Spartans will do just enough to cover.

LSU -10 vs. Auburn – If LSU does not play like their hair is on fire, then Les Miles did not do his job this week. Auburn does have a very solid defense, but LSU has too much on both sides of the ball for this to be anything but another Saturday night ass-whoppin in the Bayou. This one is for you, Baker.

Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide of a Cheese Sanich Supernova in the Sky!

Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

Isaiah Thomas, GM & Head Coach, New York Knicks

Zeke’s misogynistic tap dancing cost MSG and the New York Knicks just short of 9 million $$ this week as a jury of his peers (one can only assume all 12 jurors were fantastically gifted point guards, horrific business people, and graduates of the Corey Feldman School of Dill) found Thomas guilty of sexual harassment. Incredulously, neither the Knicks nor the NBA have taken steps to discipline Thomas, and probably won’t do much more than slap Isaiah on the wrist (and make him coach the Knicks again). Does Zeke have photos of James Doolan and David Stern with Bin Laden in the basement of MSG, or hanging with Mike Vick on the weekends? If Isaiah was a crafty GM or a solid X’s and O’s guy, one could still be disgusted by the lack of punishment, but at least we could understand the turning of the blind eye. BUT, Thomas is at best one of the worst GM’s in the history of the league, a horrible developer of talent, and one of the worst business people in the history of the sport. For a good laugh, take a look at this roster (and especially the salaries) http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/teams/roster?team=nyk. Isaiah, you sir are a weapons grade Dill Hole!


Others Receiving Votes:
TSA Employees – Have now moved ahead of DMV employees as the most miserable people on the planet.
Marion Jones – Everything, everything she has done as an athlete has been flushed down the toilet. However, at least she has admitted that she did it (although she was most certainly pimping for book deal). Memo to Landis, Bonds, et al, WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU AND THE MORE YOU PROFESS YOUR INNOCENCE THE MORE WE VOMIT IN OUR MOUTHS!
Travis Henry – See above, Travis. Keep protesting that B-sample, and we’ll keep not believing you.
James Doolan – You and Isaiah deserve each other. You go together like toilet seats and the remnants for recent usage.

Quote of the week:

“Then why don’t you start gambling.” My Lovely Wife

My beloved provided this earth-shattering quote in response to the news that one of my several readers won $400 the previous week based on my picks. This was truly an historic moment; at no point since lightning stuck the primordial ooze had a woman encouraged a man to gamble on sports. After blacking out for several seconds, I pulled the car over (now you are wondering, if he was passed out…), kissed my wife, wet myself, and topped it off with a marathon session of naked backgammon! Good times, Hamilton, good times indeed.

The Invitees to My Pretty Little Pony Themed Tea Party and Bingo Extravaganza! (The 13 best teams in the land with a look at their road to BCS City):

The Alpha Dogs

LSU – Still the best team in the country, and no, I do not put any stock in a less-than-stellar performance against Tulane last week. They have a clear path to New Orleans.

USC – Fortunate to escape Seattle on Whatthef*&k! Saturday. The Trojans will not be tested much until the end of October when they go on the road to face Cal, Oregon, and Arizona State before finishing the season against schizophrenic UCLA. They will lose one of those games, and it will cost them a shot at the national title.

Ohio State – If the Bucks continue to play the way they have been playing the last few weeks, they will end up back in the BCS title game. The only stumbling blocks are at Purdue this weekend (a game they should win rather easily), and at Michigan to end the season.

Cal – The Bears now own the best road win in the county this season after coming from behind to beat Oregon in a thriller in Eugene last Saturday (the Ducks will have a tough time recovering from that one). Cal gets USC at home, and that fact may help deliver the Pac 10 Title to Berkley this year. However, Cal will stumble once on the road at Arizona State, or at UCLA prior to beating the Trojans.

South Florida – The Bulls may have the best set of wins among any of the top teams thus far this year (though a LSU W over Florida this weekend could change that fact). I love this team, and would do back flips to see them in a BCS bowl at season’s end. After a virtual bye-week against Florida Atlantic this week, the Bulls host Central Florida (don’t get caught half-steppin against the Black Knights), and then travel to Piscataway, and Storrs before they return home for what might be the Big East title game against Cincy on November 3. This team will win the Big East, and they may just end up playing for the whole burrito (f*&k the enchilada!) in January.

Boston College – Who in the hell is responsible for scheduling at BC!?! After starting the season with 3 consecutive ACC tilts, the Eagles have been running the gauntlet of Army, UMASS, and Baaci Ball Green. Things appear to be a bit more challenging in the ACC than they did just a few weeks ago with Virginia Tech, Florida State, Miami, and The Under Armour Turtles playing at a higher level. BC may end up with the ACC title, but it says here that they lose one or two ballgames along the way.

Cincinnati – This is one of the most intriguing teams in the country, and they are most definitely playing some of the best football no one has seen. We’ll know a lot more about this team after they go on the road to dance with a wounded Rutgers squad in Jersey this Saturday.

Waiting by a Phone that May Not Ring:

Wisconsin – Nice win in Mad Town against Michigan State, but they still have to prove that they belong in the discussion.

Florida – No repeat this year, and no repeat on this list next week.

Arizona State – Hmmm…they will have many chances to prove that they belong in the Top 10 with an upcoming 4 game stretch against Oregon, Cal, SC, and UCLA.

Georgia – A Nice team that will make a run for the whole ball of cheese next season.

South Carolina – This team should end up in the SEC title game for a rematch against LSU. Look for November 9 to be a triumphant day for Ole Ballcoach and The Fun Chicken Nation as they send Florida back to Gainesville with a L.

Oregon – The Pac 10 is good enough for Oregon to get back in Top 10. Run the table against SC, UCLA, and Arizona State, and this team may get one of the at-large BCS bowls bids.

Still Wetting Themselves at the Kids Table

Missouri – I do not believe that this team will win the Big 12 North, but they seem to have the pieces in place to at least make some noise. However, as long as Gary Pinkel roams the sidelines in Columbia, I feel pretty safe with my prediction.

Hawaii – Their schedule is a joke, but this team will finish the season without a loss (but will be left out of the BCS party).

Purdue – Still not sure about the Boilers, but much like Cincy, this weekend will reveal the truth about Joe Tiller’s squad.

Lickable Links:

Every time you read the magic that is this journal, I am sure that you shake your head and utter, “How can one man know so much when I know so little?” The sheer force of this imbalance may cause the Earth to spin uncontrollably off its axis; how can I stop this catastrophe before it’s too late!?!” Well, you can’t. However, in the meantime, you can check out these links for some fun before the inferno commences.

www.cfn.scout.com
http://sports-ak.espn.go.com/ncf/index
http://buffzone.com/blogs/
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You:

Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain.

Record for the Season:
47-30-1 (overall)
16-7 (hammerlocks)

Week 6 Games – All Quick Hitters This Week as I Much of My Focus Was Spent on Baseball, Sanich Making, and Working on Cold Fusion in My Basement…

Indiana -13.5 vs. Minnesota – Perfect setup for the Hoosiers after an impressive road W at Iowa last week.

Wisconsin +2.5 at Illinois – How can I be so lucky to get points with the number 5 team in the country. I know that Wisconsin has ????, but there is no way they get derailed in Champaign.

Kansas State -3 vs. Kansas – The Wildcats have proven that they can cut a little rug while the Manginos have spent most of the season at Country Buffet.

Michigan State -16.5 vs. Northwestern – The Spartans showed that they are going to be a team to recon with all season in a close loss last week in Mad Town, and Northwestern is still are really good drama school.

Wyoming -3 vs. TCU – This is where the Cowboys win the MWC macaroni necklace and $5 gift card to Jiffy Lube.

Georgia Tech/Maryland – Under 41.5 – Look for this game to be nice an ugly. Take the under and hop into a bubble bath!

Georgia -1 at Tennessee – Tennessee is a falling program and UGA is scary good on the road under Mark Richt.

Texas +10.5 vs. Oklahoma – I am probably going to regret this pick, but neither team showed much in their first conference tests. Texas has too many athletes and will play with too much desperation to get blown out. OU wins, but Texas scores late for the backdoor cover.

South Florida -16.5 at Florida Atlantic – Are you kidding me! South Florida is getting no love from the odds makers. This one won’t be close.

Arizona State -9 at Wazzu – It is never easy playing in Pullman, but Wazzu is a mess and Arizona State has way too much to play for to give anything less than a stellar performance.

Va Tech +5.5 at Clemson – As I said last week, Clemson is not a team to be trusted. Take a long look at the +200 moneyline.

Colorado -9.5 vs. Baylor – This could be a trap game for the Buffs, but I am sure that Dan Hawkins will remind his young squad that Baylor came into Boulder last year and walked away with a triple OT W.

Texas Tech -24.5 vs. Iowa State – TT will cover this by halftime. Best bet of the week!

Oklahoma State +6.5 at Texas A&M – This is a points pick. A&M will win a close one.

UCF -3.5 at East Carolina – UCF is a good football team, and will be very well prepared to visit my beloved home state and leave with a W.

Cincinnati +4 at Rutgers – The Nati is on the real, and Rutgers has got to be a bit wounded after getting bounced by the turtle last week.

LSU -7 vs. Florida – I love LSU in this game. In the Bayou, at Night, in front of a National TV audience against a Florida squad that has looked nothing like the one that pantsed the Vols a few weeks ago.

UCLA -22 vs. Notre Dame – UCLA is back (this seems to happen a lot against Our Lady).

Ohio State -7.5 at Purdue – Ohio Sate is playing at a very high level right now and will give Curtis Painter fits all day long.

Missouri -6 vs. Nebraska – This game will mark the beginning of the end of the Bill Callahan Era in Lincoln. On Deck: Joe Glenn!

Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Oh, Oh, Come and Rock Me, Amadeus! Where have you gone, Falco!?! Your genius is sorely missed.

Too Drunk to Fish:

Though I am taking an unexpected bye week from the Journal, I still want to give you guys my picks (I was 13-5 last week, and 4-1 on the locks; I am 39-21-1 for the season, and 13-5 on the locks) The Journal will be back, and as crappy as ever next week.

Here we go:

South Florida +7 vs. West Virginia - South Florida is primed for the upset, and you may want to think hard bout that +230 money line.

Purdue -22 vs. Notre Dame - Curtis Painter will have another huge day at the Boilers escort Our Lady to 5-Oh S&*t!

Illinois +3 vs. Penn State - Juice Williams will give Penn State fits and the Illini D will make it difficult for Penn State to establish much of a ground game. Illinois is team on the rise (they lost a close game to Missouri in week 1, and have won consecutive road games against better than normal Indiana, and Louisville killer, Syracuse).

Mississippi State +13.5 at South Carolina - After getting trounced in week one by LSU, the Bulldogs enter this game with a bit of Mo. South Carolina will suffer a bit of a LSU hangover, and two solid defenses will keep this one close.

Georgia -15 vs. Mississippi - Mississippi let Florida off the hook last week, and most likely expended a tremendous amount of energy in doing so. Georgia is due for a all-phases-of-the-game performance; look for this one to be a blowout.

CU +23 vs. OU - If I took Tulsa +23, then I am going to take the Buffs at the same number. I cannot imagine a scenario where the Buffs pull of the upset, but I can see the Buffs keeping this one reasonable. This is the best defense the Sooners have faced, and the Buffs seem to have enough pieces working to keep this one sticky until the 4th.

Syracuse -1.5 at Miami (OH) - I can't believe I am taking Syracuse as a road favorite, but this is a really bad Miami team.

Clemson -3 at Georgia Tech - Tech is in a free fall after starting the season with much hype. Clemson, who I still do not trust completely, has great speed, offensive balance, and a QB in Cullen Harper who has thrown 12 tds and ZERO interceptions.

Rutgers -18.5 vs. Maryland - After leading big at Wake last week, the Turtle turtled and lost a heart breaker in OT. The ripple effects of that loss will be seen this week as Rutgers will dominate from the first whistle.

Michigan State +7.5 at Wisconsin - At no point this year has Wisconsin looked like a BCS bowl team, but because of a generous pre-season ranking, they sit at number 9 in the country. Michigan State has looked like a differ net program under Mark Dantonio, and they will find success in Madison. PJ Hill fill find it difficult to get going against the Spartans solid run D, and Tyler Donovan cannot win this one on his own. Michigan State will win an ugly, defensive struggle, and end the Badgers dreams of a Big Ten title. Look hard at the +260 moneyline.

Cal + 6 at Oregon - Dennis Dixon is playing lights out, and Oregon will win this ballgame. However, this is too many points for Oregon to cover against a fantastic Cal team. Me thinks that the oddsmakers are putting too much stock in Oregon's win against a shattered Michigan team still recovering from an historic loss.

Florida State -1.5 vs. Bama - Florida State's defense will be the reason that the Noles win this one. However, FSU will find more success against a not-so-great Bama defense than they did against Colorado a couple of weeks ago.

Florida -18 vs. Auburn - You think Florida might have had a tough week of practice after a lousy performance against Ole Miss!?! Me too. Florida will have it all going this week.

USC -21 vs. Washington - I not sure what is going on here, but line in SC games have been strange recently. Only 10 point favorites again Nebraska, barely three touchdown favorites against Wazzu; I know they didn't cover the 8,327 point spread against Idaho, but c'mon. Whatever, I'll take the Trojans easily minus the 21 against a slipping Washington team.

Ohio State -23.5 at Minnesota - Minnesota cannot stop anyone and Ohio State is really good on defense. Birds fly. Cow moo. Horse have big...heads.

Fresno State -12 vs. La. Tech - Tough road trip for La Tech. The Bulldogs are always tough in the Valley, and kickoff is not until 10:00 EST (7:00 PST). Fresno will make a full recovery from a tough stretch which included a heartbreaking loss in College Station, and a de-pantsing in Eugene.

Cincy -15 at San Diego State - Cincy is really, really good, and have given up just 30 poins in 4 games. San Diego State is a lower-tier Mountain West team with no discernible home field advantage (you think anyone will give a rats ass about the Aztecs with the Padres in the pennant race?).

Good night ladies and gentlemen; up next: Kajagoogoo!

Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

OJ Simpson, Accused of 11 Counts of Armed Robbery and 743 Counts of Being a Dillhole

I mean, c’mon. This is too easy. OJ proved once again that he is one of the biggest dills on the planet. The most shocking part of this story is the he had accomplices. Who in the hell hangs with the Juice!?! Carnival workers? Travelling hair plug salesmen? Did they lose a side bet at a Pai Gow table after 57 White Russians (that number is completely made up; I don’t know anyone who has ever done this, nor is his driver’s license currently tucked nicely into my wallet)? Are these people part of some twisted reality show on Spike called “My Friend, Orenthal”? Does he pay these people? How do you get to the point where your life sucks so bad that you seek the company of Mr. Simpson? Yes, I think way too much about this stuff, but gal dernit I demand answers, and I demand them now!

Others Receiving Votes:Are you kidding me? Who on Earth would vote for anyone else?

Quote of the week:

“We haven’t seen the sun in 23 years! For love of Ron Franklin, someone please tell the driver of this pig bucket to mix in a salad every three years or so!” Have you ever seen a person explode? Well Jabba is at T minus 2 pastramis on Rye, so stay tuned. We’re going You Tube with this one.”

Mark Mangino’s lower limbs and digits

The Invitees to My Pretty Little Pony Themed Tea Party and Bingo Extravaganza! (The 13 best teams in the land with a look at their road to BCS City):

LSU – best collection of talent top to bottom in the country, plus Florida at home in 2 weeks, plus no significant challenges away from home (at Kentucky and at Alabama are nice games, but pose no real threat) = winner of the 2008 BCS National Championship
USC – talent that rivals LSU’s, but John David Booty is a tad over-rated and the skill people are a year away from performing at top level which will keep them out of New Orleans in January (they will lose at Oregon or at Cal)
Florida – the Gators have tons of speed and talent, a prodigy at quarterback, and (this pains me to say this because the guy has the personality of stop sign) one of the best coaches in the country, but they will lose to LSU on October 6th (and they face Kentucky, Georgia, and South Carolina on the road as well)
Oklahoma – until a few hours ago, OU hadn’t beat anyone, but Miami’s pasting of Texas A&M earlier this evening may just change that…with little competition in the Big 12 (I will wax your car and any three people of your choice if they lose a game in conference) will put the Sooners in New Orleans
Ohio State – Great defense, great special teams, and mistake free, efficient (boring) offense is a recipe that has worked well for the Bucks in the past, but a weak Big 10 and a loss at either Purdue (October 6th) or Penn State (October 27) will keep these academic all-KinderCare griders from embarrassing themselves in the BCS title game again this year
Boston College – ok, they may be ranked a tad bit high, but let’s just call this a future’s bet…as I mentioned on Wednesday, BC could well be 8-0 in a month and they have a favorable schedule afterwards…however, a weak ACC will keep them from being a serious contender for a BCS title game birth (this may be the 12-0 team on the outside looking in)
Cal – I love their balance, and they have stars at three key positions (QB, RB, and WR)…their defense is a ? after giving up 31 to Tennessee and 27 to CSU…all will be revealed after a trip to Eugene on 9/29, but don’t expect to see Berkley in the Bayou (good line, good line…I deserve a snack, hell I deserve some Cheetos!)
West Virginia – Slaton, White and Devine are ridiculously talented, fast, and fun to watch…who cares if they have a mediocre defense and have looked sluggish in the first half of games this year…these three will keep WVU in every ballgame…scary game: at USF on 9/28
Rutgers – this team may have the easiest schedule of any of the teams competing for a shot at a BCS bowl bid (except BC)…they get South Florida, West Virginia, and rapidly rising Cincy in Piscataway with their only real road test coming the last game of the season at Papa John Stadium (perfect name for a glorified commuter school in a non-descript Southern City)
Oregon – Getting Cal and USC at home gives the Ducks a real shot at finishing the season with one loss, but the guess here is that they will lose one that they shouldn’t (like at Washington on October 20)

The Glass Slipper Fits, but Damn Them Toes are Unkempt! Girl, You Best Take Yo Ass to the Beauty Shop and Get Them Toenails Sanded Down!

South Florida – I love this team, their attitude, and their coach. Beat West Virginia next week and we may just get to second base (yes, I put out…did I just write that?)
Kentucky – Great win over half a football team (great offense, ultimate frisbeeesque defense), but the Wildcats won’t be here for long
South Carolina – Forget about winning in Baton Rouge, but the Gamecocks have a legit shot at being 9-1 as they welcome Florida to Columbia on November 3 (this is a game that South Carolina had won last year in Gainesville and pissed it away…I would imagine that Ole Ball Coach will do just about anything to avenge this bitter loss)

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

Texas – too much talent to play this poorly and they are very fortunate to be 3-0…they will lose to OU by 21
Wisconsin – this team will lose 3 games in the Big 10 (at Illinois, at Penn State, and at Ohio State)…if you struggle to stop the Citadel (sounds like a horrific Renaissance Era Horse, Sword, Sweat and Arrow flick starring Hugh Jackman and Jared Leto) and struggle to score in Vegas (points, score points) then, Judy, you may have a bit of a pickle against real competition
Penn State – Not buying them, yet…beat someone other than Our Lady of Football and Over Inflated Self Concept and I might be willing to take another look, but until then…well…I guess I could bake a soufflé or practice my lines for the Centennial Community Theater and Beauty Parlor’s production of Our Town

From the Dexter Manley Library of Things with Little Symbols and Numbers:

I recently completed a book. Ok, now that you have stopped laughing, I will continue. The book, A Flame of Pure Fire: Jack Dempsey and the Roaring '20s by Boys of Summer scribe, Roger Kahn is a riveting biography of one of our nation’s earliest sports giants, Jack “The Manassa Mauler” Dempsey. This is a fantastic read for those of you who love boxing, history, and heroes (not the dorkfest on NBC). I would be willing to lend you my copy, but I have already had it bronzed.

Classic Quote:

Wet Hot American Summer - Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex…So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Yep. That hits pretty close to home.

If you have not seen this classic, steal a tricycle, saddle up your dog, or beat up the Ice Cream Man and get to your neighborhood video store, bypass your default section (of course you got lost, of course you are doing research for your freshman level sex ed class, of course you are doing this for friend) and pony up the $0.99 for 87 minute ride of Utopian Bliss!

Brilliant Insight:

Rarely do I delve into the Bassmaters Pro Tour of Football, but San Diego Chargers GM, A.J. Smith is an idiot. Norv Turner? What, Ray Malavasi didn’t return your calls? Or did George Seifert take his dream job of leading the Hungarian Goulash to a World League title? The peach tree in my back yard could do a better job than Norv.

Searching for Bobby Fisher:

Adonis Ameen Moore, Freshman, Mullen High School (Denver) – Now Colorado is not a football factory like Texas, Ohio, North Dakota, or Nova Scotia, but the Centennial State has produced a few decent football players in recent years (Lendale White, Vincent Jackson, Bo Sciafe), and Moore seems headed on the same path. I caught the second half of the Cherry Creek/Mullen game (I need help, quickly.) and Moore, in less than one half, ran for over 130 yards and scored three TD’s in a 27 -14 win for Mullen. This kid has preternaturally quick feet, great balance, and shockingly good vision for someone who was in elementary school three years ago. He will be a top 100 recruit his senior year and you can say that you read it here first (if anyone actually reads this journal).

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I am so much better than 4 year olds at hide and seek. If you ever want to feel better about yourself, find some 4 year olds and make them play hide and seek with you. They suck at hiding! They are always looking around for you, giggling, and asking to go to the bathroom (which, by the way, is not a legal move in my book). Forget therapy, and buy my new DVD: “How to Beat 4 Year-Olds at Lots of Stuff So That You Will Feel Better About Yourself” (the title is a work in progress).

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

I have seen all or part of every Rich Rodriguez press conferences this season. Wow.

What!?! I mean, what!?!:

I saw an ad this week for something called the Rocket Fisherman, or Rocket Fishing Pole, something stupid like that. Anyway, the gist is that this pole casts for you with its push-button rocket action. Ostensibly, the pole was designed for children, but you know that the vast majority of buyers will end up being people too lazy to cast. TOO LAZY TO CAST! How much of drain on society do you have to be to order one of these? You know, I love fishing, but casting 20 times each time I go out is just too damn much. Plus, by the time I finish the 18 pack of “Beer” (the generic, supermarket swill that college students buy on Sunday when the liquor stores are closed or so I’ve heard) I find the whole push the button, move arm forward, and wait thing just too much to handle. I just wish that there was an easier way…Rocket Fisherman! Shazaam! My dreams have come true!

Morons.

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:
From www.espn.com - SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Former Notre Dame quarterback Demetrius Jones expects to play next season at Northern Illinois, but the Fighting Irish will not make it easy for that to happen. The Irish will not release Jones from his scholarship this season, a university spokesperson said Wednesday, adding Notre Dame did not think the sophomore's departure "was handled appropriately."

Coach Charlie Weis says he was not involved in the decision not to release Jones. Jones lost his starting position after a poor performance in Notre Dame's season-opening 33-3 loss to Georgia Tech, then surprised the coaching staff by not showing up last Friday for the bus trip for the team's game at Michigan. He said shortly after that he would transfer to Northern Illinois.

Notre Dame's refusal to release Jones from his scholarship doesn't mean that Jones can't play for the Huskies next season, but it does mean he would have to pay his own way at Northern Illinois. Jones is allowed to practice with Northern Illinois' team this year and he'll be on scholarship with the school next year. Jones told reporters that he enrolled at Northern Illinois on Sept. 12 but practiced with the Irish the next day and didn't tell the coaches what he had done. He said he was stung by Weis' comments that freshman Jimmy Clausen had been the team's top quarterback but was not named the opening game starter as he was recovering from surgery to remove a bone spur from his throwing elbow.

"When I heard Jimmy was the No. 1 all the way through spring and that the only thing that was keeping him out of the lineup was his surgery, well that's not what I was led to believe going into the summer," Jones told the South Bend Tribune for Monday's editions. "I thought I was getting a chance because coach Weis believed in me. Then I didn't know what to believe anymore." Jones, who is from Chicago, said he attended Northern Illinois' 21-19 loss to Eastern Michigan on Saturday in DeKalb, Ill., but had not yet been in contact with the school's coaching staff and did not know when he would begin practicing with his new team.

Perfect. It’s not enough for the Irish (at this point, Ireland should launch a formal protest with the NCAA to force Notre Dame to change its nickname before irreparable damage is done to this small, proud, Purple Horse Shoe lovin country) are embarrassing themselves on national TV each week (NBC is in negotiations with PAX TV to dump the Notre Dame contract in exchange for Little House on the Prarie reruns) they had to start holding athletes hostage just for fun. Good move, Our Lady. Way to show some class.

Brushes with Greatness:

I once assaulted an innocent bystander at the Rose Bowl Game in 1998 so that Lynn Swan could interview Wisconsin coach, Barry Alvarez without fear of being accosted. I don’t feel bad that he was 80; he was in the way. That’s how I roll.

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Conta

Week 4 Games:

Michigan + 3 vs. Penn State – Now, I don’t for a second believe that Michigan has completed regained its confidence from hitting rock bottom a couple of weeks ago, but I do believe that they have enough to keep this one close. Penn State has played exactly zero quality teams (they beat Our Lady, Buffalo, and FLINT, the stone, Flint, Michigan, what?), but they seem to have the makings of a solid, if not spectacular team. Penn State has given up an average of 17 yards per game on the ground, but this stat is skewed considering they played a team with no running game (ND) and two teams that were forced to throw to play catch up. Mike Hart will get enough room from a veteran offensive line led by All-American Jake Long to keep Michigan in the game, and don’t be surprised if Penn State QB, Anthony Morelli turns the ball over a couple of times. In the end, Penn State will leave Ann Arbor with a W, but this one will be decided by the kickers. Book it! Penn State 30 Michigan 28

Michigan State -12.5 at Notre Dame – Michigan State head coach, Mark Dantonio has brought discipline and toughness back to East Lansing and has led the Spartans to a 3-0 start. Even when Bat S*&t Crazy, John L. Smith was leading the Spartans, they always played well against the Fighting Irish (how come no one says boo about this ridiculous stereotype being used as the nickname for such a self-important, holier-than-thou university?), and they will do so again this Saturday. Notre Dame will continue to struggle on offense, and with so many young players in the starting lineup, they will struggle even more with confidence. Book It! Michigan State 27 Notre Dame 13

Cal -13.5 vs. Arizona – Has anyone in Vegas watched Arizona this year? This one is the lock of the week! Arizona lost at home to New Mexico last week. If they can’t beat a middle-of-the-pack MWC team at home, what chance do they have against one of the best teams in the country on the road? Exactly. I know that DeSean Jackson is questionable for Saturday, but Cal had enough weapons to get past Arizona without breaking a sweat. Now, Cal does have a road trip to Oregon next week, but my guess is that they will be focusing on avenging a BCS killing loss to Arizona in Tucson last November rather than looking ahead to the Ducks. Cal will force Willie Tuitiama to make several mistakes and Justin Forsett will have another huge day. Book It! Cal 48 Arizona 17

Stanford +17 vs. Oregon – Late games on the West Coast tend to get a bit weird, especially a conference game that is off the national radar. Stanford looked good last week in blanking SJSU 37-0 and Oregon will be looking ahead to Cal next week. Oregon has been scary good the past few weeks, but something tells me they will be a bit off. Look for the Tree to get off to a good start and to keep this one close until the 4th. Book It! Oregon 40 Tree 27


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Tulsa + 23 vs. OU – Tulsa can score points in bunches (they put 55 on a solid BYU team last week) and although Tulsa seems to have little interest in stopping the opposition (they give up almost 500 yards in TO), they will make this their Superbowl and score enough to keep Sam Bradford and the boys from making this too ugly.

Cincy -23.5 vs. Marshall – Coach Brian Kelly has built upon the solid foundation left by Mark Dantonio. The Bearcats are great at home (ask Rutgers and Oregon State), play lights out defense and should easily dispatch of the Matthew McConaughey led fighting Green and White uniformed team from somewhere in West Virginia

CU -14 vs. Miami (OH) – With all sincerity, clarity, and charity I give you this lock. This will be the week that CU puts it all together. The Buffs will benefit from the fighting Polynesian, Mike Sipili and JC transfer, Chris Perri to shore up an already solid defensive front seven. Cody Hawkins, Josh Smith, and Scotty McKnight have big days for the Buffs in an easy win over the Red Hawks

South Florida -13.5 vs. Carolina – Carolina will get there under the guidance of Butch Davis, but they will pose little threat to the Bulls (unless they are stupid and look ahead to West Virginia, which will probably happen, which, in turn, will make me look stupid…so, if stupid A is riding in a train heading east from Chicago at 4 miles per hour and stupid B is heading west from Chicago at 3 miles per hour, who will eat their buggers first? Anyone?)

Indiana +3 vs. Illinois – My sources tell me that nearly 7 people give a crap about this game. That’s NHLesque, baby!

Ohio +4 vs. Wyoming – This is a tricky game for Wyoming. Playing in Athens is tough, and Frank Solich has brought respectability back to a historically laughable Bobcats program. Ohio will lead most of the game, but the object of my man-crush, Karsten “King Smooth” Sween (I gave him that nickname and sent him a homemade t-shirt with my picture. In return, I will soon receive notice of a restraining order. Good times, good times.) will lead the Cowboys to a late touchdown for the W.

Air Force +11 at BYU – BYU got kicked in the d*&k last week in Tulsa, and that kind of pain stays with a man. Air Force is riding high under the guidance of Troy Calhoun and will leave Provo with a W, and the inside track to the Mountain West Sheet Cake (couldn’t afford the trophy; The Mountain West Conference: The Official Conference of Guys Named Carl)

Wake -3 vs. Maryland – At this point, I am the man in the yellow hat and Wake is my Curious George. I leave George (Wake) alone to win games as I go somewhere (the one critical flaw in the CG series is that they never tells us WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAT ALL DAMN DAY) while George (Wake) ransacks an ice cream shop or terrorizes patrons at the zoo. Do I learn from his behaviour (it’s Canadian, biyatch!)? No. I just keep on leaving while George (Wake) does whatever the hell it wants.

UCF -7 vs. Memphis – UCF is a good football team and will be in a bowl in December. Memphis is two weeks away from the beginning of basketball practice, and about 24 months away from almost certain probation for recruiting violations. Thanks, Coach Cal!

USC -24.5 vs. Wazzu – USC is better than Washington State. For my next trick, I will take two pieces of bread, some cheese, and some mustard (no self-respecting sanich artist uses mayo) and through the power of illusion I will create what I call a sandwich.

Texas -38.5 vs. Rice – It has to happen at some point, so why not this week. Texas is due to beat someone badly. Another sub-par performance this week, and I think we can safely say that Texas’ problems are not an aberration, but a full-fledged inability to develop the talent they have in Austin.

Over/Under Special:

Purdue at Minnesota (69) – This will go over. Neither team plays defense. Curtis Painter will throw for 600 yards. Heard this before? Yeah, jackhole! Last week with your stupid pick of KY/Ville over, and furthermore, I…Touchdown! You have just witnessed an argument between and one of my voices, Lorne. Now, go buy a lottery ticket, an Oasis album (preferably, What’s the Story Morning Glory?), and some bright white SAS orthopedics and get ready to Congo!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

LSU -16.5 vs. South Carolina – I would love nothing more than to see Ole Ball Coach pull this one off, but LSU will do to the GameKarks what they did to Va Tech a couple of weeks ago. South Carolina/Va Tech = Good team, great D, shaky QB = another blowout in the Bayou. Book It – LSU 40 Spurrier’s Little Farm Birds Who Like to Have a Good Time (not my best effort; I am truly sorry) 13

Kentucky +6.5 at Arkansas – I like what Kentucky is doing on offense, but they will struggle mightily to stop the run against a great running football team. Kentucky can win this game if it forces Casey Dick to throw more than he wants, and Kentucky will move the ball (look for Andre Woodson to have an easy time against a shaky Razorback back 4). However, Mr. McFadden will eclipse 250 yards on the ground and Arkansas will rush for nearly 400 yards as a team. You don’t lose when you rush for 400 yards at home. Book It – Arkansas 38 Kentucky 34


If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain…then you are really weird. I mean, I like PC’s as much as the next guy, but getting caught in the rain (especially with a diminished immune system as a result of too many of those luscious PC’s)? What could be fun about that? Sinus infection? Pneumonia? Hypothermia? Yeah, that does sound like fun! Weirdo.

From the Editor:

I apologize for the horrific picks I submitted last week. I am ashamed. My family is ashamed (although this doesn’t really change much from week to week). My pet turtle won’t talk to me. The mailman’s dog expressed his feelings on my doorstep (though props for the size; it was spectacular). And my imaginary friend, Duncan Adam Knorflinger, refuses to be seen with me in public (Duncan, why must you torture me so, why!). I promise to put much more of myself into this week’s effort. I vow to spend all of my spare time breaking down film, reading the papers, scouring the internet, and eating mass quantities of cured meats and aged cheeses. I swear to deliver the most outstandingly mediocre free picks from a 35 year-old father of two that you will read this week or my alias isn’t Garth Algonquin Elgard, III!

Most Significant Football Contributor on the Football Playing Field During This Past Week of the Playing of the Football Contests:

Matt Ryan, Boston College and Andre Woodson, University of When’s Basketball Start? – Both Ryan and Woodson were stellar in leading their teams to signature wins this past Saturday. Ryan, who has led BC to 3 consecutive ACC conference wins, torched the Georgia Tech defense for 435 yards, and continues to be one of the most overlooked players in the country. With Army, UMASS, Bowling Green, and Notre Dame up next for BC, they should be 7-0 as they head to Blacksburg for what may well be a preview of the ACC Championship Game. If they leave Blacksburg 8-0, expect BC to enter the BCS discussion with a full head of steam.

Woodson led Kentucky to its biggest win in years, and that includes the beloved Wildcat hoops team (says hear that Billy Gillespie will change that trend). Woodson has thrown for 9 touchdowns without an interception, and should fare well again this week against a team that allowed John Parker Wilson to look like Peyton Manning. Woodson is a fantastic talent, and give Rich Brooks tons of credit for not only saving his job, but making Kentucky a respectable program. However, with consecutive games against South Carolina, LSU, and Florida to begin October, this Cindahrellah story should be pumpkin at the end of this stretch (although, win in Columbia, and maybe, just maybe…nah, no way in hell).

Others Receiving Votes…er…vote:
Percy Harvin, University of Florida – Versatile athlete who simply makes plays
Rafael Little, University of the Legend of Joe B. Hall – Made Woodson’s job much easier with 156 yards OTG
Noel Devine, Hee Haw University – 136 yards on 5 touches…are you kidding me!?!
John Parker Wilson, University of Gump – JPW had a fantastic game against the Hogs in what will be the first of many big wins in the Nick Saban era in Tuscaloosa.

The Coach Kline Memorial Foosball Coach of the Week:

Troy Calhoun, Your United States Air Force Academy – Calhoun has led the Zoomies to a perfect 3-0 record including last week’s fantastic overtime W over TCU (they may not recover from the loss to Texas). Calhoun, who installed a new offense to replace Air Force’s vaunted option attack, has brought passion back to a program that has faded in recent years. Air Force will bring the Commander and Chief’s Trophy back to Colorado Springs, and if they can leave Provo with a W this week, the Falcons may end 2007 with the Mountain West Trophy and a bucket of wings (it comes with the trophy; kinda sad…Mountain West Conference Football: Over 37 fans can’t be wrong!

Others Receiving Votes:
Brian Kelly, Coach, University of Cincinnati – The Bearcats are good, and gives the Big East another legit team
Pete Carroll, University of Southern California – HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Nice game, Cornchowder.
Mike Belotti, University of Really Dirty Hippies (Makes Cal look like Harvard)
Rich Brooks, University of Didn’t We Used to Be a Basketball School
Sylvester Croom, Mississippi Staatee Univeersitty – Great road win for a program and a coach who desperately needed one
Ole Ball Coach, University of South Carolina – More on OBC in Friday’s Blog
Rural Meyer, University of Florida – Florida and USC were the two best coached teams in the country on Saturday
Jim Tressel, THE Ohio State University of Playdough and Candyland – This version of the Bucks looks very similar to the 2001 version
George O’Leary, University of the Central Part of the State of Florida – His team did not quit after getting down late to Texas. O’Leary will end up at a BCS school next year
Kyle Wittingham, University of Utah – Great job spanking a perpetually underachieving UCLA squad last weekend; Karl, it has been nice knowing you.

Reliving the Greatest Moments of Your Little Lives – The Tragic Review of The Miasma of Week Three:

Overall Picks – 7-7-1 (the horror!)
The Certainty of this Event is firmly embedded in the Foundation of our Existence (hammerlocks). – An second consecutive s*&t bomb - 2-2

For the Year: –
Overall Picks – 26-16-1
CEFE – 9-4

Week 3: A Retrospective

Michigan -8 vs. Our Lady of Football and Stuff – The nation’s two most heavily recruited quarterbacks from the last recruiting cycle face off in a battle to save their respective seasons. Ryan Mallett and Jimmy Clausen have gotten much of the attention this week, but the difference in the game will be Mike Hart. Hart will have a huge day against a team that is giving up over 210 yards per game on the ground (if his Wolverine teammates decide to show up this week). All Mallett has to do is manage the game, make the easy throws, and avoid drive-killing mistakes. Michigan’s biggest obstacle is its mindset. The talent is there, but is the desire? Notre Dame is a below average team with one of the worst offenses in the country and has shown no signs of suddenly exploding (even against a Michigan team with zero hubris, swagger, and confidence). Book it – Michigan 30 Notre Dame 17

I was either dead on, or relived the train wreck of my high school/college/early 20’s romantic life this past week. In this case, I was pretty damn close. Hart did have a big day, and Mallett proved to be a more-than-capable backup for Chad Henne. What is surprising is Notre Dame’s total lack of offensive output. I thought Charlie Weis was an offensive genius (psst…with Ty Willingham’s players he was). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

Washington +4 vs. Ohio State – Not sure at this point what to make out of the 07 version of the Buckeyes. The defense is once again stellar, but the competition (Akron and Youngstown State) has been putrid, so who knows. What we do know is that Washington has shown tremendous offensive balance in its first two contests, and is coming off an impressive win over Boise State last week. Given Jim Tressel’s history, look for this game to be low scoring and a bit like watching Alka Seltzer dissolve. Jake Locker and the Huskies offense will find moving the ball difficult for much of the day, but they will do just enough to pull off a second consecutive upset over a ranked team. Book It! Washington 17 Ohio State 16

This game was very similar to my Alka Seltzer prediction until Jake Locker threw a third quarter pick deep in Buckeye territory with UDub trailing 17-7. After that, the Bucks dominated with outstanding defense and an offense that would make Dan Reeves proud. Tressel would rather have just three downs so that he could punt more often, but you can’t argue with the results. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Arkansas +3 at Alabama – This is a huge game for both teams. Nick Saban is trying to make Bama relevant again, and Houston Nutt is trying to keep his job. Bama has given up just 63 yards per game on the ground in their first two contests, but Darren McFadden and Felix Jones will cause that number to go up significantly. If Razorback QB, Casey Dick can establish any semblance of a passing game (made more difficult without the services of Marcus Monk), Arkansas wins. If not, this could be the beginning of a disappointing autumn in Fayetteville. Book it – Arkansas 24 Alabama 20

I don’t mind pushing on such an outstanding game…bulls&*t! I hate tying! Tying is like winning a $1 on a lottery ticket, drinking warm Coors Light, or getting a massage from a sweaty Russian man who doesn’t read social cues (this actually happened to me…thanks, honey!) McFadden and Jones combined for almost 300 yards, and Casey Dick threw 3 TD passes, but someone forgot to tell the Hogs that Alabama was allowed to throw the football! I am of average intelligence, and have very poor hygiene, posture, and taste in modern architecture!

Wyoming +12 at Boise State – Both teams bring solid defenses and balanced offenses into what should be a great game. I love what Joe Glenn is doing in Laramie, and though I do not think that the Cowboys will leave Boise with a W, they will keep this close. Look for the Cowboy secondary to force 2 Taylor Tharp turnovers, and for Karsten Sween to continue his solid play. However, Ian Johnson and Chris Petersen’s creativity will be the difference. Book it – Boise State 27 Wyoming 23

Wyoming is not quite at Boise’s level, but they are on the right track. Look for Joe Glenn to exit Laramie after leading the Cowboys to a bowl in 2007. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

CU +4.5 vs. Florida State – I will always pick the Buffs to cover. I have no ability to asses this game from an unbiased perspective. However, this is the biggest game in Boulder for several years, ESPN has been good to the Buffs in the past, and the Buffs see the return of Josh Smith and Hugh Charles (two of their 5 fastest players). Sigh. Let’s just move on before I end up in tears…again.

Due to time constraints, we now move on to the relevant portion of our program. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Wake Forest -20 vs. Army – Wake is better than its 0-2 record with losses coming on the road at BC, and in the waning seconds (a game they should have won) against the Cornholios. Look for Wake to blow past a bad Army team with relative ease.

Wake slept walked through this game because they hate me (I have the mail to prove it!). I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Texas Tech -28 at Rice – Rice gave up 7 miles in passing yards to Baylor last week, and got beat by Nichols State in week one…my sources tell me that Texas Tech will deviate from their vaunted ground attack and will actually try to throw the ball. Look for Graham Harrell to throw for about 700 yards and Tech to put up 60 plus against the Owl.

Graham Harrell threw for 6 TD’s against a very talented Rice secondary. Mike Leach should be commended for his willingness to play the best anywhere, anytime. If Rice, UTEP, and SMU aren’t scary enough, Tech faces Northwestern State in two weeks on ESPNTP (test pattern). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

East Carolina +1 vs. Southern Miss – The Pirates have looked damn good against the run in the first two weeks including last week’s W over the Tar Heels. Southern Miss prefers to run the ball to set up the pass, thus Jeremy Young and his 47% completion rate will have the game in his hands. Yikes.

East Carolina, where the trees grow like hair! East Carolina, my heart and upper torso long to be there! East Carolina, a place where skunks run free! East Carolina, my home how I miss thee! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Central Florida +17.5 vs. Texas – Don’t let the final score of Texas’ W over TCU last week fool you. The Longhorns played below the level of their talent for much of the game, and they have not found much consistency on offense. George O’Leary and the Black Knights have had two weeks to prepare after a nice win in week one over NC State. Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.

“Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.” Me, Last Week

No one in the history of man has ever made a prediction as stellar as this. This significance of this pick will have ripples for generations!

I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


Oregon -16.5 vs. Fresno State – Had Fresno left College Station with a triple OT W last week I might feel differently…however, they didn’t. Oregon probably gets too much credit for the pimp slapping they put on the Corn and Cobalt last week, but they did look impressive (even if Michigan played like it was a dress rehearsal for the Las Animas High School production of Hairspray).

Oregon smoked a FSU team that took A&M&T&RS (Truck and Reading Stuff) to 3 OT the week previous. Look for the Ducks to scare the crap out of USC and Cal (they will win one of the two; both games are in Eugene). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth! (that’s 2, B-Love!)

Vandy -5 vs. Mississippi – Vandy, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love your hair, your toes, your scent, the way you look dripping wet, your…damn, therapy is still not working!

I do not have physical feelings for Vandy. I do not fantasize about beyond trapped in an elevator during a protracted blackout with Vandy. I do not dream of Vandy swimming in a sea of whipped cream and cheap scotch. Thanks, doc. I feel much better. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

UNLV +17.5 vs. Hawaii – Let me repeat. HAWAII IS NOT THE SAME TEAM OFF OF THE ISLAND! Vegas gave Wisconsin all it could handle last week, and it will do the same to a Hawaii team that seems to care very little about stopping the other team.

Holy crap, I am really, really dumb. I am approaching reality TV participant dumb at an alarming rate. At this pace, I may hit the Republican think tank level by the end of the week! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Kentucky vs. Louisville (77) – In a first for the Journal, I am advising readers to TAKE THE F&^KING OVER! Hell, they may eclipse this number by halftime. Did you see Louisville’s defense against Middle Tennessee last week? Neither did I, and neither did anyone else as they were nonexistent. Andre Woodson and Brian Brohm will combine for 1,000 yards passing and both teams will score in the 40s. Book It! – Louisville 59 Kentucky 48

Ok, so I was off by a few points. However, I nailed the general flavor of the contest, right? Well, screw you! I am taking my UNO cards, my bag of Funions, my Hammer pants and I am going home to cry. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Tennessee +7.5 at Florida – This will be the first real test of the season for the defending national Champs and their fearless leader, Bill Belichick, Jr. While the Gators played Yahtzee with Troy and Western Ky., Tennessee went on the road to face Cal, and then pulled away from a decent Southern Miss team last week. Cal’s speed was good preparation for what the Vols will face in the swap, and though Florida will prevail, Tennessee will keep this one close (only 4 times in the last 10 games between these two have been decided by more than a touchdown). There is no denying Tim Tebow’s talent, but he will make mistakes (the Vols will turn at least one Tebow interception into six) against a Tennessee defense that finally showed some life in the second half against SOMISS. Look for this one to be a bit ugly, and for Florida to struggle early before pulling away after a late Erik Ainge interception. Book It! Urban’s Band of Rhode Scholars 24 Phil and the Orange Cream Cicle Nation 17

Florida is a fantastic football team in all phases of the game. They will lose in Baton Rouge on October 6, but it will be one helluva battle. How on Earth did I take Tennessee and the points!?! That’s it! No more Surprise Pie on Thursday night at Stuckeys! You have my solemn word on this, and I will even put my Surprise Pie matching socks and dickey on EBay this very minute! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Southern Cal -10 at Nebraska – I have read volumes of excrement discussing SC’s offensive woes against Idaho in week one, and I am here to tell you that what you saw in week one included about 2% of SC’s playbook. Yes, the game is in Lincoln, but SC is no stranger to hostile environments (Auburn, Va Tech, Notre Dame). SC is simply too talented, and too well-coached for Nebraska to have a chance in hell of pulling off the upset. This line is way too small as Nebraska may not see the end zone. Book It – SC 30 Corn 6

Can’t we just scrap the rest of the season and schedule a round-robin tournament with SC, LSU, OU, Florida, Ohio State, West Virginia and Cal? Who would be against this? Shut up, Penn State! You, Wisconsin, Texas, and Rutgers are in a timeout, and if you don’t start using nice words, no more Wow, Wow, Wubbzy for a week…and tell BC to quit wetting the bed. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


This Is A Type Of Kinda Like A Formal Dedication, Giving Out A Shout For Much InspirationAll I Ever Really Want To Do Is Get Nice, Get Loose And Goof My Little Slice Of LifeSendin' Out Love To All Corners Of The Land, I Jump Up On The Stage And Take The MicIn My Hand Not Playin' The Roll Just Being Who I Am, And If You Try To Dis Me I Couldn't Give A Damn, 'Cause I'm Rockin'

Most Significant Football Contributor on the Football Playing Field During This Past Week of the Playing of the Football Contests:

Matt Grothe and George Selvie, South Florida – Those of you who were paying attention two weeks ago should have seen this coming (for those of you who were busy dancing around your front yard in a fuscia leotard singing “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire [look for more EWF fun later on in the journal; are you as excited as I am? I know you can feel me on this.] after a few too many Appletinis, then all I have to say is Holy Rio de Janiero, Batman, that’s sounds like fun!).

Auburn went with the same recipe in week two that brought them a victory against KState in week one: a pinch of uninspired offense, a touch of Paprika, and a cup of holy s*&t we better turn on the switch before it’s too late. What the WarEagle-Tiger-Squirrel-Hermit Crab squad failed to factor was the Bulls not folding like Ron Prince’s boys from Manhattan ½ a fortnight previous (for those of you in Nebraska, a fortnight is two-weeks, not a night spent in the place where you lure unsuspecting Whitetail deer so that you can “hunt” them from the comfort of your ass).
Sophomore QB Grothe was not spectacular, but he made the throws that mattered, including a 14-yard strike to Jessie Hester for the OT W. Selvie was a menace to Auburn’s society registering 3.5 tackles for a loss and 1.5 sacks (not only is George a helluva DE, but he likes to share; nice). More importantly than individual accomplishments, Selvie and Grothe led South Florida to a program-launching signature win against a good SEC team on the road. Me thinks the Bulls will make some noise in the Big East, and don’t be surprised if they end West Virginia’s BCS run on September 29th in Tampa.

Others Receiving Votes…er…vote:
Sam Bradford, QB, University of Oklahoma
Tiger Woods, Golfer, University of NowayinhellIdriveaBuick
Dennis Dixon, QB, University of Nike
Saniches, University of Deliciousness

Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

Idaho Senator, Larry Craig
The embattled, promiscuous little devil of a Senator will resign sometime this week under the pressure of allegations of lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. From the beginning, Craig’s mantra has been, "I am not gay. I never have been gay” (except for a few stunning, spectacular moments in a Minnesota terlet...ok, I added that part). Craig, clearly a summa cum laude graduate from the Rev. Ted Haggard University of Homophobia and Massage Therapy, may not be gay, but he most certainly is an adulterer, a disgrace, and a very poor selector of places to get his freak on. An airport bathroom!?! A beach…no, a suite at the Ritz, nah…I need a place where 10,000 sweaty men rid themselves of bodily waste each day! Senator Craig, you sir are a grade A dill hole.

Others Receiving Votes:
Bill Belichick, Coach, The New York Yankees of Football
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President, Iran (in 3…2…1…yep, I just got my first fatwa, whopee!)

The Coach Kline Memorial Foosball Coach of the Week:

Jim Leavitt, South Florida
Leavitt has slowly built South Florida into a program with an outstanding foundation that may be on the precipice (buy a dictionary!) of a Rutgersesque leap to the upper echelon of college football. South Florida has made a commitment to building a successful program, and Leavitt is the right man for the job. I swear, Jim, if you lose to Carolina this week I will hunt you down and I will take back the $3.00 Waffle House gift card that accompanies this prestigious honor. No, slappy, Henry Winkler is not dead.

Others Receiving Votes:
Les Miles, Coach, University of Michigan
Troy Calhoun, Coach, Your United States Air Force Academy
Joe Glenn, University of Wyoming (but not for long)

Quote of the week:

"This team's going to be ready to go, there's no doubt in my mind. I'm not going to lose. We're not going to lose," Mike Hart, University of Michigan

Mike Hart has taken some heat for being so brazen with his prediction of victory over Our Lady, but it is nice to see someone from this program show some freaking fire. Hart, who has been seemingly alone in his desire to actually be on the field, should be commended for providing the Living in the Past Nation with some bulletin board material. Hell, Hart could play for both teams and still not help the Irish that much. I love this kid’s fire, and it is so refreshing to see an athlete who is willing to be authentic in expressing his thoughts.

If it had been me at the press conference following the loss to Oregon, I would have gone Mr. Peepers and started throwing fruit and spitting on the press corps. It is a damn good thing that the NCAA denied my request to reinstate my eligibility.

Classic Quote:

“An accident? An accident? Do you realize it's snowing in my room goddammit!” Yes, buttwads, Bill Paxton’s performance as Chet in the 1980’s classic, Weird Science, was one for the ages. Paxton absolutely went Mike Jordan in capturing every douche bag older brother that dedicated himself to bad hair, monster trucks, and torturing his younger sibling. For those of you in Nebraska who have yet to discover the magic that is videotape, you can still see Chet every weekend at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln. In fact, if you are unfortunate enough to be a member of the Federal witness protection program (little known fact that Kearney, Nebraska is home to every member of the FWPP since 1973; I mean, what self-respecting hit man would venture to the end of hell for a hit.) take a side trip to Lincoln and you too can see Chet in all of his 75,000 forms.

Brilliant Insight:

Tiki Barber’s head is ridiculously big! Hell, the Giants miss the extra storage as much as they miss Tiki’s legs.

I Knew There Was Something Different About This Cat:

I am the lovechild of Pete Axthelm, Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, and Lindsey “Your Giving Me a Migraine with that F*&king Jacket” Nielsen.

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I am in 29th grade, I think that trees are really pissed at squirrels and have been for centuries, and my Wu Tang name is OSB (think about it).

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

In my kids’ preschool, there is a wall with tiles made by the children. There is a tile in the top row that contains a University of Corn helmet; I hear voices telling me to destroy the tile, and I will probably go through with it in a really cool A-Team sort of way.

In other news, I also have voices telling me that Toaster Strudel is my friend and that one day soon all of the bowling pins in the world with rise up on destroy the planet. I like the voices.

Searching for Bobby Fisher:

Noel Devine, RB, Hee Haw University. I caught just 30 seconds of the WVU/Under Armor U tilt this evening, but it gave me the opportunity to witness one of the most spectacular players I have ever seen on a football field. Barry Sanders is the best running back in the history of football, and this kid reminded me of him.

Kicking Beethoven in the Balls:

The following is a list of individuals and groups that are doing irreparable damage to music as an art form:

Fergie
Daughtry
Hinder
Maroon 5

V-O-M-I-T-O-U-S…it’s Vomitous,Vomitous!

What!?! I mean, what!?!:

ESPN had a 30 minute show on this past week about the Monday Night Football theme song, “Are You Ready for Some Football!?!” A THIRTY MINUTE SHOW ABOUT A 30 SECOND SONG! It’s bad enough to be subjected to Hank Jr. each week, but to endure a full half-hour of him suckling from the teet of MNF (does Hank actually record music anymore?) is beyond reproach. Here’s the best part, Richie “No I haven’t had any work done, I just have naturally good skin” Sambora was prominently featured as one of Hank’s guests. What, Dweezil Zappa had a conflict?

A Mind is a Terrible Thing To Waste:

This past week on The Hills, Lauren was on the verge of getting back together with Jason following his stint in rehab (addicted to Cream O’ Wheat and sand dollar collecting; tragic). That sound you hear is my manhood circling the drain.

An Intellect So Powerful That Seeing the Future is Merely Mundane:

As mentioned in last week’s masterpiece, sports writers love to feast on low-hanging fruit, thus the reason there were exactly 873,000 stories about Les Miles being the next coach at Michigan. Brilliant leap, gentleman! Thanks so much for connecting those dots for me. Quick, tell me the best three teams in the country…no f*&king way! LSU, OU, and USC…wow, I had UTEP, Indian Hills CC, and Parumph High School.

Here at the Journal, we laugh at the easy way out, we scoff at the paved highway, and we snicker at people wearing lederhosen! I will now tell you who is going to be the next coach at LSU. Here are the candidates:

Jeff Tedford, University of California – Tedford has done about as much as he can do at Cal. He has turned the program into a national power, and has proven that he can recruit against SC (see: Jackson, DeSean). However, he will never have the resources to compete consistently on a national level in Berkley. A move to Baton Rouge would seem to make sense for both Tedford and LSU (Tedford has done significantly more with his time in Oaktown than Saban did in East Lansing).

Chan Gailey, Georgia Institute of Technology – Some of this depends on how the Ramblin Wreck finishes the season, but if Gailey wins the ACC and finishes in the top 10, he is as good as gone. With his NFL pedigree, and his track record of recruiting and developing talent, Gailey will be high on the list.

Rich Rodriguez, Hee Haw University – Rodriguez turned down the Alabama job last year to stay in Morgantown, so this may be a bit of a stretch. Plus, with Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine around for another go in 2008, Rich may say no thanks to the folks from LSU. However, the talent stockpile in Baton Rouge (unlike at Alabama, he would be able to compete for a national championship immediately) and the money that SEC schools throw at coaches may prove to be too difficult to pass up.

Other possible candidates: Jim Leavitt, South Florida and Greg Schiano, Rutgers.

I predict that either Tedford or Gailey will be the next man to lead the Bayou Bengals. LSU has gone with college head coaches with each of their previous two hires (with damn good results), thus I would be shocked if they deviated from this path.

Fireside Chat, with Thane Billingswood:

Dear Thane,

As a struggling cheese sculptor, I have a lot of time to watch old movies. This week, I was craving a little Powers Booth/C. Thomas Howell/P. Swayze action, so I popped Red Dawn in the Betamax and got swept away by their collective magnetism, power, and fashion sense. The movie reminded me of what life was like during the cold war and how we lived each day in rural Colorado in paralyzing fear of being invaded by those bastard Ruskies. I was wondering, what would you do if the Red Dawn scenario raised its ugly head and became a nightmarish reality for us in the here and now (you just know that Iceland is preparing for their moment of fury and that we had better start preparing for that rueful day; the real Axis of Evil pivots on the whims of the power brokers in Reykjavik!)?

Hiding Under My League of Justice Bed Sheets,

Pollard Franks
Rye, CO

Dear Olan,

Pollard, the depth of your words is shattering and forces me to deal with something I think about each day. First, I would go to Starbuck’s for a soy, iced Macchiato because Iceland’s first target would be the coffee forests of Columbia and Sumatra. Second, I would make sure to rent You Got Served to prepare for the inevitability of the dance contest for freedom that Interpol, the CIA, Scotland Yard, and the Reno Police have been predicting for years. Third, I would take a nap. Finally, I would make a desperate attempt to infiltrate the Icelandic airwaves and show re-runs of Mama’s Family. With MF as their only window into what America has to offer, I am guessing that the Icelanders would turn their attention to a more attractive target: Chad!

Sharing Your Paranoia,

TB

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

Would someone please tell Chris Spielman that alls (As in, alls you have to do to graduate from The Ohio State University of Finger Paints and Nap Time is play real good football) is not a FREAKING WORD!

Brushes with Greatness:

I once had a belligerent Ken Norton yell at me incoherently for 17 seconds until I soiled myself, and let him in the classic Tyson-Ruddick fight at Caesar’s Palace in 1991.

Reasons Me Love Canada:

Oh, Canada is the greatest song ever written! I now command you to grab a Molson, some medicinal marijuana, and some donut holes from Tim Horton’s and sing with me!

O Canada!Our home and native land!True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Utterly Ridiculous:

From the Lawrence Phillips School of Gender Studies:
MADISON, Wis. -- Wisconsin running back Lance Smith, who is facing battery charges, will not be allowed to play in away games this season.
Smith will miss (last) Saturday's game at UNLV and games at Illinois, Penn State, Ohio State and Minnesota.
Smith was suspended from the team in July after he was arrested, but athletics director Barry Alvarez reinstated him in early August just before the Badgers' first practice of the season.
The team announced Wednesday that Alvarez and dean of students Lori Berquam had decided Smith would not play in away games.
Smith is charged with pushing down his girlfriend during a dispute over a cab fare, refusing to let her leave his apartment and taking her money and shoes.
He has apologized to the woman but pleaded not guilty to charges of battery and disorderly conduct.
Hold on while I bang my head against the wall…you have got to be f*&king kidding me! Obviously, this incident is disturbing, but the decision of the Wisconsin athletic department puts this in the what the F were they thinking stratosphere. Our crack research team uncovered some interesting notes from Barry Alvarez’s trash containing a list of alternative punishments considered:
Must sit out 1st and 2nd down in all games against teams with animal nicknames
Must pay the cab fare for all females students at Wisconsin for the rest of the year
Must write “I will not hold people hostage.” on the blackboard 500 times
This punishment is a slap in the face to all women who have been abused, and Barry Alvarez should be ashamed. Smith should have been suspended for the year and been forced to work in a battered women’s shelter. Wisconsin missed an opportunity to make a strong, public statement against abuse, but chose to protect the depth chart instead.
Finally…he took her shoes!?! There are no words.

Reliving the Greatest Moments of Your Little Lives – The Glorious Review of The Triumph of Week Two:

Overall Picks – 10-6
The Certainty of this Event is firmly embedded in the Foundation of our Existence (hammerlocks). – An abysmal 2-2

For the Year: –
Overall Picks - 19-9
CEFE – 7-2