Quote of the week:

Before Mississippi State’s mind-numbingly horrific performance against LSU Thursday night (and don’t give me this crap that they are better than last year, my ass!), Bulldog head coach, Sylvester Croom used a piece of history to whip the Starkville townies into an unbridled frenzy with this pearl of wisdom. “Winston Churchill once said that with every great challenge comes great opportunity.” What!?! Churchill? Starkville? Hell, most people in Mississippi can’t spell with much less know who the hell Winston Churchill was. Let’s just hope his pregame speech was…

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

Last week I watched nearly every snap of Pittsburgh State vs. Texas A&M Commerce. Please keep in mind that I am married and I have two children; sad.

Commercial of the Week:

50-something lounge singer banging the ivory singing the Duran Duran classic “Hungry Like the Wolf” in an attempt to pimp Old Spice. In what may be a first in corporate America, Old Spice is seemingly attempting to keep people from actually buying their product. Now, I have nothing against lounge singers. I spent 73 days in Vegas the Spring Break of my freshman year of college (or as I like to call it my first redshirt year; I had two) and I developed a special relationship with a Korean Elvis impersonator named Dusty at O’Sheas Casino (some of my readers may share my love for O’Sheas and Dusty). However, this commercial is an affront to lounge singers everywhere! Wherever Dusty is sharing his gift with the beer soaked masses (Reno, Laughlin, Kayenta) he is most assuredly shedding a few tears. You’re my boy, Dusty! Stay strong.

Reality TV I Would Love to See:

Throw Heavy Blunt Objects at Skip Bayless

Brushes with Greatness:

I once peed next to former ER stalwart, Noah Wyle.

Least Valuable Player of the Week:

Brett Michaels.

After taking the summer off to shape the future of our country by working 17 hours days for little pay in the rural hell that is Elbert County, all I wanted to do this week is relax, scratch, and catch some tube. So after watching 398 hours of college football previews, I took a break and tuned into Rock of Love, the story of aging rock star Brett Michaels and his quest to find the perfect mate. I sat through about 45 seconds of this colossal waste of time, and I decided to do some research. After lab tests, consulting with experts in the field (Mark Chumura, Corey Feldman, and Mitt Romney comprised our Blue Ribbon panel), and conducting phone surveys, the results are conclusive: Brett Michaels is indeed the biggest cheese-d*&c on the planet! Every rose has it thorn and every bandana covers a bald head. Brett, unfortunately, was not on camera much in this particular installment because according to him he was busy at the studio. I’d bet my pancreas that the words Sears and portrait were prominently involved.

Honest Ad Campaigns:

CSTV – College football and a whole cornucopia of other crap

The Brilliance That Lives in Me:

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain: (Remember the Hammerlocks Wear Bold)

Note: It’s late and I spent far too much time doing housework, playing with my children, and volunteering at a homeless shelter; I promise that I will get my priorities in order for next week and will put much more of myself into the picks. You are fortunate to have a window into my genius; I promise to bring more light into your sad little world next week.

Georgia Tech +1 vs. Notre Dame – The Jimmy Clausen era seems to be on hold (buck up little camper, and keep making those F&*cking pickles!) and the Golden Craniums lose the home opener (look at the sched., they may not win for a while). Book It! Georgia Tech 31 – Notre Dame 23

Wyoming +4 vs. Virginia – I have a man crush on Wyoming QB Karsten Sween. Just say his name, no really, say it, SAY IT! Where’s my paper bag!?! Laramie will be straight jacked up (a phrase not typically associate with Laramie) and the Cowpokes will avenge last year’s overtime loss in Charlottesville. Book It! Wyoming 24 - Virginia 21 (Take the Money Line +140)

Wake Forest +6.5 at BC – Wake returns the core of last year’s Orange Bowl team (including RB Micah Andrews and QB Riley Skinner), and faces a BC team still shaken from Tom O’Brien’s exit to fellow ACC foe NC State. Book It! Wake Forest 30 - BC 21

Wisconsin -14 vs. Wazzu – Cheeseheads rise from your slumber for now is the time to consume aged cheddar, brats, custard, Linies, and pack Camp Randall for what may be a run to the BCS title game. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like the site of 50,000 Wisconsiners (ites?) leaving the cold of Madison, Sheboygan, and Osh Kosh for a warm weather bowl site in January. Red hats, red shirts, red shorts, bright white Nordic skin, and 47,000 mustaches (women and children represent a shocking high percentage). Mix that with the smell of citrus fruits and hot mustard and my friends, you have yourself an epic party. Book It! The Men of Cheese 40 – Wazzu 23

BYU -4 vs. Arizona – Prediction: Mike Stoops will be back at OU next fall. Arizona can’t score and BYU is on the rise. I really don’t give a s*&t about this game, so crank up the 8-track and give it up for Foghat! Book It! BYU 34 Arizona 16

Georgia -6.5 vs. OK State - Okie State travels to Athens with a formidable combination of QB Bobby Reed, WR Adarius Bowman, and billionaire Boone Pickens. We have been unable to confirm the rumor that Boone offered Mark Richt his own Chik-fil-A franchise if he benches Matthew Stafford. Too much Stafford, too much REM, too much hedge = a UGA W. Book It! UGA 28 Okie State 21

Auburn -13.5 vs. Kansas State – K State coach, Ron Prince reads a book per week. Tommy Tuberville studies game film. Book It! The Braces Wearing Step-Sister to Alabama 31 - K State 17

USC -46 vs. Idaho – On your right, Mann’s Chinese Theatre, on your left, Lindsay Lohan’s rehab center, and straight ahead the future site of most points scored in a college football game, the LA Coliseum. Book It! Troy 659 – Vandals 2

Cal -6 vs. Tennessee – Warning: actual analysis ahead! Proceed with extreme caution and bring donuts. Vol QB Erik Ainge has a broken pinky so look for a couple of bad center/QB exchanges resulting in 14 CAL points. DeSean Jackson will have a huge day. Book It! Cal 39 – Vols 20

Clemson +3 vs. Florida State – Father vs. Son, blah, blah, blah. FSU’s new coordinators, blah, blah, blah. Tommy Bowden on the hot seat, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I want to talk about Pez! Pez: The candy that tastes great and promotes partial decapitation! Book It! Florida State 4 Clemson 3

CU -2.5 vs. CSU – Deep breath, focus, stay clear, now DISCO! I have no clue what to expect from Ft. Sheep. They return a bunch of starters from a crappy team, and they get Kyle Bell back after knee surgery (quick, name the top 10 running backs after knee surgery, ok top 5…ok top 3…ok, name one who did not suck). What I do know is that Cody Hawkins has never lost as a starting QB (59-0), the Cheetah is the fastest animal on the planet, ears of Corn can’t hear for s&*t, and that Poker on TV is going to be big someday. Seriously, the Buffs seem to be solid on both lines, finally have some athletes at WR (too bad Josh Smith is out with a bruised kidney…I mean, c’mon! Hell, I climbed Kilimanjaro in 1968 with Tensing Norgay, Ted Williams, and James Brown with a torn ACL, a killer hangover from too much Upapuing [local beverage whipped up by the indigenous folks], and plantar fasciitis), and Hugh Charles is primed for a huge senior campaign (he will be the best back in the Big 12 this year or my name is not Brick Tamland!). The Buffs will dominate the lines, Cody will be efficient, and Hugh Charles goes for 2 Bills. Book It! CU 31 CSU 13.

Push, wipe, and repeat!