Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

OJ Simpson, Accused of 11 Counts of Armed Robbery and 743 Counts of Being a Dillhole

I mean, c’mon. This is too easy. OJ proved once again that he is one of the biggest dills on the planet. The most shocking part of this story is the he had accomplices. Who in the hell hangs with the Juice!?! Carnival workers? Travelling hair plug salesmen? Did they lose a side bet at a Pai Gow table after 57 White Russians (that number is completely made up; I don’t know anyone who has ever done this, nor is his driver’s license currently tucked nicely into my wallet)? Are these people part of some twisted reality show on Spike called “My Friend, Orenthal”? Does he pay these people? How do you get to the point where your life sucks so bad that you seek the company of Mr. Simpson? Yes, I think way too much about this stuff, but gal dernit I demand answers, and I demand them now!

Others Receiving Votes:Are you kidding me? Who on Earth would vote for anyone else?

Quote of the week:

“We haven’t seen the sun in 23 years! For love of Ron Franklin, someone please tell the driver of this pig bucket to mix in a salad every three years or so!” Have you ever seen a person explode? Well Jabba is at T minus 2 pastramis on Rye, so stay tuned. We’re going You Tube with this one.”

Mark Mangino’s lower limbs and digits

The Invitees to My Pretty Little Pony Themed Tea Party and Bingo Extravaganza! (The 13 best teams in the land with a look at their road to BCS City):

LSU – best collection of talent top to bottom in the country, plus Florida at home in 2 weeks, plus no significant challenges away from home (at Kentucky and at Alabama are nice games, but pose no real threat) = winner of the 2008 BCS National Championship
USC – talent that rivals LSU’s, but John David Booty is a tad over-rated and the skill people are a year away from performing at top level which will keep them out of New Orleans in January (they will lose at Oregon or at Cal)
Florida – the Gators have tons of speed and talent, a prodigy at quarterback, and (this pains me to say this because the guy has the personality of stop sign) one of the best coaches in the country, but they will lose to LSU on October 6th (and they face Kentucky, Georgia, and South Carolina on the road as well)
Oklahoma – until a few hours ago, OU hadn’t beat anyone, but Miami’s pasting of Texas A&M earlier this evening may just change that…with little competition in the Big 12 (I will wax your car and any three people of your choice if they lose a game in conference) will put the Sooners in New Orleans
Ohio State – Great defense, great special teams, and mistake free, efficient (boring) offense is a recipe that has worked well for the Bucks in the past, but a weak Big 10 and a loss at either Purdue (October 6th) or Penn State (October 27) will keep these academic all-KinderCare griders from embarrassing themselves in the BCS title game again this year
Boston College – ok, they may be ranked a tad bit high, but let’s just call this a future’s bet…as I mentioned on Wednesday, BC could well be 8-0 in a month and they have a favorable schedule afterwards…however, a weak ACC will keep them from being a serious contender for a BCS title game birth (this may be the 12-0 team on the outside looking in)
Cal – I love their balance, and they have stars at three key positions (QB, RB, and WR)…their defense is a ? after giving up 31 to Tennessee and 27 to CSU…all will be revealed after a trip to Eugene on 9/29, but don’t expect to see Berkley in the Bayou (good line, good line…I deserve a snack, hell I deserve some Cheetos!)
West Virginia – Slaton, White and Devine are ridiculously talented, fast, and fun to watch…who cares if they have a mediocre defense and have looked sluggish in the first half of games this year…these three will keep WVU in every ballgame…scary game: at USF on 9/28
Rutgers – this team may have the easiest schedule of any of the teams competing for a shot at a BCS bowl bid (except BC)…they get South Florida, West Virginia, and rapidly rising Cincy in Piscataway with their only real road test coming the last game of the season at Papa John Stadium (perfect name for a glorified commuter school in a non-descript Southern City)
Oregon – Getting Cal and USC at home gives the Ducks a real shot at finishing the season with one loss, but the guess here is that they will lose one that they shouldn’t (like at Washington on October 20)

The Glass Slipper Fits, but Damn Them Toes are Unkempt! Girl, You Best Take Yo Ass to the Beauty Shop and Get Them Toenails Sanded Down!

South Florida – I love this team, their attitude, and their coach. Beat West Virginia next week and we may just get to second base (yes, I put out…did I just write that?)
Kentucky – Great win over half a football team (great offense, ultimate frisbeeesque defense), but the Wildcats won’t be here for long
South Carolina – Forget about winning in Baton Rouge, but the Gamecocks have a legit shot at being 9-1 as they welcome Florida to Columbia on November 3 (this is a game that South Carolina had won last year in Gainesville and pissed it away…I would imagine that Ole Ball Coach will do just about anything to avenge this bitter loss)

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain

Texas – too much talent to play this poorly and they are very fortunate to be 3-0…they will lose to OU by 21
Wisconsin – this team will lose 3 games in the Big 10 (at Illinois, at Penn State, and at Ohio State)…if you struggle to stop the Citadel (sounds like a horrific Renaissance Era Horse, Sword, Sweat and Arrow flick starring Hugh Jackman and Jared Leto) and struggle to score in Vegas (points, score points) then, Judy, you may have a bit of a pickle against real competition
Penn State – Not buying them, yet…beat someone other than Our Lady of Football and Over Inflated Self Concept and I might be willing to take another look, but until then…well…I guess I could bake a soufflé or practice my lines for the Centennial Community Theater and Beauty Parlor’s production of Our Town

From the Dexter Manley Library of Things with Little Symbols and Numbers:

I recently completed a book. Ok, now that you have stopped laughing, I will continue. The book, A Flame of Pure Fire: Jack Dempsey and the Roaring '20s by Boys of Summer scribe, Roger Kahn is a riveting biography of one of our nation’s earliest sports giants, Jack “The Manassa Mauler” Dempsey. This is a fantastic read for those of you who love boxing, history, and heroes (not the dorkfest on NBC). I would be willing to lend you my copy, but I have already had it bronzed.

Classic Quote:

Wet Hot American Summer - Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex…So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Yep. That hits pretty close to home.

If you have not seen this classic, steal a tricycle, saddle up your dog, or beat up the Ice Cream Man and get to your neighborhood video store, bypass your default section (of course you got lost, of course you are doing research for your freshman level sex ed class, of course you are doing this for friend) and pony up the $0.99 for 87 minute ride of Utopian Bliss!

Brilliant Insight:

Rarely do I delve into the Bassmaters Pro Tour of Football, but San Diego Chargers GM, A.J. Smith is an idiot. Norv Turner? What, Ray Malavasi didn’t return your calls? Or did George Seifert take his dream job of leading the Hungarian Goulash to a World League title? The peach tree in my back yard could do a better job than Norv.

Searching for Bobby Fisher:

Adonis Ameen Moore, Freshman, Mullen High School (Denver) – Now Colorado is not a football factory like Texas, Ohio, North Dakota, or Nova Scotia, but the Centennial State has produced a few decent football players in recent years (Lendale White, Vincent Jackson, Bo Sciafe), and Moore seems headed on the same path. I caught the second half of the Cherry Creek/Mullen game (I need help, quickly.) and Moore, in less than one half, ran for over 130 yards and scored three TD’s in a 27 -14 win for Mullen. This kid has preternaturally quick feet, great balance, and shockingly good vision for someone who was in elementary school three years ago. He will be a top 100 recruit his senior year and you can say that you read it here first (if anyone actually reads this journal).

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I am so much better than 4 year olds at hide and seek. If you ever want to feel better about yourself, find some 4 year olds and make them play hide and seek with you. They suck at hiding! They are always looking around for you, giggling, and asking to go to the bathroom (which, by the way, is not a legal move in my book). Forget therapy, and buy my new DVD: “How to Beat 4 Year-Olds at Lots of Stuff So That You Will Feel Better About Yourself” (the title is a work in progress).

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

I have seen all or part of every Rich Rodriguez press conferences this season. Wow.

What!?! I mean, what!?!:

I saw an ad this week for something called the Rocket Fisherman, or Rocket Fishing Pole, something stupid like that. Anyway, the gist is that this pole casts for you with its push-button rocket action. Ostensibly, the pole was designed for children, but you know that the vast majority of buyers will end up being people too lazy to cast. TOO LAZY TO CAST! How much of drain on society do you have to be to order one of these? You know, I love fishing, but casting 20 times each time I go out is just too damn much. Plus, by the time I finish the 18 pack of “Beer” (the generic, supermarket swill that college students buy on Sunday when the liquor stores are closed or so I’ve heard) I find the whole push the button, move arm forward, and wait thing just too much to handle. I just wish that there was an easier way…Rocket Fisherman! Shazaam! My dreams have come true!

Morons.

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:
From www.espn.com - SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- Former Notre Dame quarterback Demetrius Jones expects to play next season at Northern Illinois, but the Fighting Irish will not make it easy for that to happen. The Irish will not release Jones from his scholarship this season, a university spokesperson said Wednesday, adding Notre Dame did not think the sophomore's departure "was handled appropriately."

Coach Charlie Weis says he was not involved in the decision not to release Jones. Jones lost his starting position after a poor performance in Notre Dame's season-opening 33-3 loss to Georgia Tech, then surprised the coaching staff by not showing up last Friday for the bus trip for the team's game at Michigan. He said shortly after that he would transfer to Northern Illinois.

Notre Dame's refusal to release Jones from his scholarship doesn't mean that Jones can't play for the Huskies next season, but it does mean he would have to pay his own way at Northern Illinois. Jones is allowed to practice with Northern Illinois' team this year and he'll be on scholarship with the school next year. Jones told reporters that he enrolled at Northern Illinois on Sept. 12 but practiced with the Irish the next day and didn't tell the coaches what he had done. He said he was stung by Weis' comments that freshman Jimmy Clausen had been the team's top quarterback but was not named the opening game starter as he was recovering from surgery to remove a bone spur from his throwing elbow.

"When I heard Jimmy was the No. 1 all the way through spring and that the only thing that was keeping him out of the lineup was his surgery, well that's not what I was led to believe going into the summer," Jones told the South Bend Tribune for Monday's editions. "I thought I was getting a chance because coach Weis believed in me. Then I didn't know what to believe anymore." Jones, who is from Chicago, said he attended Northern Illinois' 21-19 loss to Eastern Michigan on Saturday in DeKalb, Ill., but had not yet been in contact with the school's coaching staff and did not know when he would begin practicing with his new team.

Perfect. It’s not enough for the Irish (at this point, Ireland should launch a formal protest with the NCAA to force Notre Dame to change its nickname before irreparable damage is done to this small, proud, Purple Horse Shoe lovin country) are embarrassing themselves on national TV each week (NBC is in negotiations with PAX TV to dump the Notre Dame contract in exchange for Little House on the Prarie reruns) they had to start holding athletes hostage just for fun. Good move, Our Lady. Way to show some class.

Brushes with Greatness:

I once assaulted an innocent bystander at the Rose Bowl Game in 1998 so that Lynn Swan could interview Wisconsin coach, Barry Alvarez without fear of being accosted. I don’t feel bad that he was 80; he was in the way. That’s how I roll.

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Conta

Week 4 Games:

Michigan + 3 vs. Penn State – Now, I don’t for a second believe that Michigan has completed regained its confidence from hitting rock bottom a couple of weeks ago, but I do believe that they have enough to keep this one close. Penn State has played exactly zero quality teams (they beat Our Lady, Buffalo, and FLINT, the stone, Flint, Michigan, what?), but they seem to have the makings of a solid, if not spectacular team. Penn State has given up an average of 17 yards per game on the ground, but this stat is skewed considering they played a team with no running game (ND) and two teams that were forced to throw to play catch up. Mike Hart will get enough room from a veteran offensive line led by All-American Jake Long to keep Michigan in the game, and don’t be surprised if Penn State QB, Anthony Morelli turns the ball over a couple of times. In the end, Penn State will leave Ann Arbor with a W, but this one will be decided by the kickers. Book it! Penn State 30 Michigan 28

Michigan State -12.5 at Notre Dame – Michigan State head coach, Mark Dantonio has brought discipline and toughness back to East Lansing and has led the Spartans to a 3-0 start. Even when Bat S*&t Crazy, John L. Smith was leading the Spartans, they always played well against the Fighting Irish (how come no one says boo about this ridiculous stereotype being used as the nickname for such a self-important, holier-than-thou university?), and they will do so again this Saturday. Notre Dame will continue to struggle on offense, and with so many young players in the starting lineup, they will struggle even more with confidence. Book It! Michigan State 27 Notre Dame 13

Cal -13.5 vs. Arizona – Has anyone in Vegas watched Arizona this year? This one is the lock of the week! Arizona lost at home to New Mexico last week. If they can’t beat a middle-of-the-pack MWC team at home, what chance do they have against one of the best teams in the country on the road? Exactly. I know that DeSean Jackson is questionable for Saturday, but Cal had enough weapons to get past Arizona without breaking a sweat. Now, Cal does have a road trip to Oregon next week, but my guess is that they will be focusing on avenging a BCS killing loss to Arizona in Tucson last November rather than looking ahead to the Ducks. Cal will force Willie Tuitiama to make several mistakes and Justin Forsett will have another huge day. Book It! Cal 48 Arizona 17

Stanford +17 vs. Oregon – Late games on the West Coast tend to get a bit weird, especially a conference game that is off the national radar. Stanford looked good last week in blanking SJSU 37-0 and Oregon will be looking ahead to Cal next week. Oregon has been scary good the past few weeks, but something tells me they will be a bit off. Look for the Tree to get off to a good start and to keep this one close until the 4th. Book It! Oregon 40 Tree 27


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Tulsa + 23 vs. OU – Tulsa can score points in bunches (they put 55 on a solid BYU team last week) and although Tulsa seems to have little interest in stopping the opposition (they give up almost 500 yards in TO), they will make this their Superbowl and score enough to keep Sam Bradford and the boys from making this too ugly.

Cincy -23.5 vs. Marshall – Coach Brian Kelly has built upon the solid foundation left by Mark Dantonio. The Bearcats are great at home (ask Rutgers and Oregon State), play lights out defense and should easily dispatch of the Matthew McConaughey led fighting Green and White uniformed team from somewhere in West Virginia

CU -14 vs. Miami (OH) – With all sincerity, clarity, and charity I give you this lock. This will be the week that CU puts it all together. The Buffs will benefit from the fighting Polynesian, Mike Sipili and JC transfer, Chris Perri to shore up an already solid defensive front seven. Cody Hawkins, Josh Smith, and Scotty McKnight have big days for the Buffs in an easy win over the Red Hawks

South Florida -13.5 vs. Carolina – Carolina will get there under the guidance of Butch Davis, but they will pose little threat to the Bulls (unless they are stupid and look ahead to West Virginia, which will probably happen, which, in turn, will make me look stupid…so, if stupid A is riding in a train heading east from Chicago at 4 miles per hour and stupid B is heading west from Chicago at 3 miles per hour, who will eat their buggers first? Anyone?)

Indiana +3 vs. Illinois – My sources tell me that nearly 7 people give a crap about this game. That’s NHLesque, baby!

Ohio +4 vs. Wyoming – This is a tricky game for Wyoming. Playing in Athens is tough, and Frank Solich has brought respectability back to a historically laughable Bobcats program. Ohio will lead most of the game, but the object of my man-crush, Karsten “King Smooth” Sween (I gave him that nickname and sent him a homemade t-shirt with my picture. In return, I will soon receive notice of a restraining order. Good times, good times.) will lead the Cowboys to a late touchdown for the W.

Air Force +11 at BYU – BYU got kicked in the d*&k last week in Tulsa, and that kind of pain stays with a man. Air Force is riding high under the guidance of Troy Calhoun and will leave Provo with a W, and the inside track to the Mountain West Sheet Cake (couldn’t afford the trophy; The Mountain West Conference: The Official Conference of Guys Named Carl)

Wake -3 vs. Maryland – At this point, I am the man in the yellow hat and Wake is my Curious George. I leave George (Wake) alone to win games as I go somewhere (the one critical flaw in the CG series is that they never tells us WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAT ALL DAMN DAY) while George (Wake) ransacks an ice cream shop or terrorizes patrons at the zoo. Do I learn from his behaviour (it’s Canadian, biyatch!)? No. I just keep on leaving while George (Wake) does whatever the hell it wants.

UCF -7 vs. Memphis – UCF is a good football team and will be in a bowl in December. Memphis is two weeks away from the beginning of basketball practice, and about 24 months away from almost certain probation for recruiting violations. Thanks, Coach Cal!

USC -24.5 vs. Wazzu – USC is better than Washington State. For my next trick, I will take two pieces of bread, some cheese, and some mustard (no self-respecting sanich artist uses mayo) and through the power of illusion I will create what I call a sandwich.

Texas -38.5 vs. Rice – It has to happen at some point, so why not this week. Texas is due to beat someone badly. Another sub-par performance this week, and I think we can safely say that Texas’ problems are not an aberration, but a full-fledged inability to develop the talent they have in Austin.

Over/Under Special:

Purdue at Minnesota (69) – This will go over. Neither team plays defense. Curtis Painter will throw for 600 yards. Heard this before? Yeah, jackhole! Last week with your stupid pick of KY/Ville over, and furthermore, I…Touchdown! You have just witnessed an argument between and one of my voices, Lorne. Now, go buy a lottery ticket, an Oasis album (preferably, What’s the Story Morning Glory?), and some bright white SAS orthopedics and get ready to Congo!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

LSU -16.5 vs. South Carolina – I would love nothing more than to see Ole Ball Coach pull this one off, but LSU will do to the GameKarks what they did to Va Tech a couple of weeks ago. South Carolina/Va Tech = Good team, great D, shaky QB = another blowout in the Bayou. Book It – LSU 40 Spurrier’s Little Farm Birds Who Like to Have a Good Time (not my best effort; I am truly sorry) 13

Kentucky +6.5 at Arkansas – I like what Kentucky is doing on offense, but they will struggle mightily to stop the run against a great running football team. Kentucky can win this game if it forces Casey Dick to throw more than he wants, and Kentucky will move the ball (look for Andre Woodson to have an easy time against a shaky Razorback back 4). However, Mr. McFadden will eclipse 250 yards on the ground and Arkansas will rush for nearly 400 yards as a team. You don’t lose when you rush for 400 yards at home. Book It – Arkansas 38 Kentucky 34


If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain…then you are really weird. I mean, I like PC’s as much as the next guy, but getting caught in the rain (especially with a diminished immune system as a result of too many of those luscious PC’s)? What could be fun about that? Sinus infection? Pneumonia? Hypothermia? Yeah, that does sound like fun! Weirdo.

From the Editor:

I apologize for the horrific picks I submitted last week. I am ashamed. My family is ashamed (although this doesn’t really change much from week to week). My pet turtle won’t talk to me. The mailman’s dog expressed his feelings on my doorstep (though props for the size; it was spectacular). And my imaginary friend, Duncan Adam Knorflinger, refuses to be seen with me in public (Duncan, why must you torture me so, why!). I promise to put much more of myself into this week’s effort. I vow to spend all of my spare time breaking down film, reading the papers, scouring the internet, and eating mass quantities of cured meats and aged cheeses. I swear to deliver the most outstandingly mediocre free picks from a 35 year-old father of two that you will read this week or my alias isn’t Garth Algonquin Elgard, III!

Most Significant Football Contributor on the Football Playing Field During This Past Week of the Playing of the Football Contests:

Matt Ryan, Boston College and Andre Woodson, University of When’s Basketball Start? – Both Ryan and Woodson were stellar in leading their teams to signature wins this past Saturday. Ryan, who has led BC to 3 consecutive ACC conference wins, torched the Georgia Tech defense for 435 yards, and continues to be one of the most overlooked players in the country. With Army, UMASS, Bowling Green, and Notre Dame up next for BC, they should be 7-0 as they head to Blacksburg for what may well be a preview of the ACC Championship Game. If they leave Blacksburg 8-0, expect BC to enter the BCS discussion with a full head of steam.

Woodson led Kentucky to its biggest win in years, and that includes the beloved Wildcat hoops team (says hear that Billy Gillespie will change that trend). Woodson has thrown for 9 touchdowns without an interception, and should fare well again this week against a team that allowed John Parker Wilson to look like Peyton Manning. Woodson is a fantastic talent, and give Rich Brooks tons of credit for not only saving his job, but making Kentucky a respectable program. However, with consecutive games against South Carolina, LSU, and Florida to begin October, this Cindahrellah story should be pumpkin at the end of this stretch (although, win in Columbia, and maybe, just maybe…nah, no way in hell).

Others Receiving Votes…er…vote:
Percy Harvin, University of Florida – Versatile athlete who simply makes plays
Rafael Little, University of the Legend of Joe B. Hall – Made Woodson’s job much easier with 156 yards OTG
Noel Devine, Hee Haw University – 136 yards on 5 touches…are you kidding me!?!
John Parker Wilson, University of Gump – JPW had a fantastic game against the Hogs in what will be the first of many big wins in the Nick Saban era in Tuscaloosa.

The Coach Kline Memorial Foosball Coach of the Week:

Troy Calhoun, Your United States Air Force Academy – Calhoun has led the Zoomies to a perfect 3-0 record including last week’s fantastic overtime W over TCU (they may not recover from the loss to Texas). Calhoun, who installed a new offense to replace Air Force’s vaunted option attack, has brought passion back to a program that has faded in recent years. Air Force will bring the Commander and Chief’s Trophy back to Colorado Springs, and if they can leave Provo with a W this week, the Falcons may end 2007 with the Mountain West Trophy and a bucket of wings (it comes with the trophy; kinda sad…Mountain West Conference Football: Over 37 fans can’t be wrong!

Others Receiving Votes:
Brian Kelly, Coach, University of Cincinnati – The Bearcats are good, and gives the Big East another legit team
Pete Carroll, University of Southern California – HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Nice game, Cornchowder.
Mike Belotti, University of Really Dirty Hippies (Makes Cal look like Harvard)
Rich Brooks, University of Didn’t We Used to Be a Basketball School
Sylvester Croom, Mississippi Staatee Univeersitty – Great road win for a program and a coach who desperately needed one
Ole Ball Coach, University of South Carolina – More on OBC in Friday’s Blog
Rural Meyer, University of Florida – Florida and USC were the two best coached teams in the country on Saturday
Jim Tressel, THE Ohio State University of Playdough and Candyland – This version of the Bucks looks very similar to the 2001 version
George O’Leary, University of the Central Part of the State of Florida – His team did not quit after getting down late to Texas. O’Leary will end up at a BCS school next year
Kyle Wittingham, University of Utah – Great job spanking a perpetually underachieving UCLA squad last weekend; Karl, it has been nice knowing you.

Reliving the Greatest Moments of Your Little Lives – The Tragic Review of The Miasma of Week Three:

Overall Picks – 7-7-1 (the horror!)
The Certainty of this Event is firmly embedded in the Foundation of our Existence (hammerlocks). – An second consecutive s*&t bomb - 2-2

For the Year: –
Overall Picks – 26-16-1
CEFE – 9-4

Week 3: A Retrospective

Michigan -8 vs. Our Lady of Football and Stuff – The nation’s two most heavily recruited quarterbacks from the last recruiting cycle face off in a battle to save their respective seasons. Ryan Mallett and Jimmy Clausen have gotten much of the attention this week, but the difference in the game will be Mike Hart. Hart will have a huge day against a team that is giving up over 210 yards per game on the ground (if his Wolverine teammates decide to show up this week). All Mallett has to do is manage the game, make the easy throws, and avoid drive-killing mistakes. Michigan’s biggest obstacle is its mindset. The talent is there, but is the desire? Notre Dame is a below average team with one of the worst offenses in the country and has shown no signs of suddenly exploding (even against a Michigan team with zero hubris, swagger, and confidence). Book it – Michigan 30 Notre Dame 17

I was either dead on, or relived the train wreck of my high school/college/early 20’s romantic life this past week. In this case, I was pretty damn close. Hart did have a big day, and Mallett proved to be a more-than-capable backup for Chad Henne. What is surprising is Notre Dame’s total lack of offensive output. I thought Charlie Weis was an offensive genius (psst…with Ty Willingham’s players he was). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

Washington +4 vs. Ohio State – Not sure at this point what to make out of the 07 version of the Buckeyes. The defense is once again stellar, but the competition (Akron and Youngstown State) has been putrid, so who knows. What we do know is that Washington has shown tremendous offensive balance in its first two contests, and is coming off an impressive win over Boise State last week. Given Jim Tressel’s history, look for this game to be low scoring and a bit like watching Alka Seltzer dissolve. Jake Locker and the Huskies offense will find moving the ball difficult for much of the day, but they will do just enough to pull off a second consecutive upset over a ranked team. Book It! Washington 17 Ohio State 16

This game was very similar to my Alka Seltzer prediction until Jake Locker threw a third quarter pick deep in Buckeye territory with UDub trailing 17-7. After that, the Bucks dominated with outstanding defense and an offense that would make Dan Reeves proud. Tressel would rather have just three downs so that he could punt more often, but you can’t argue with the results. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Arkansas +3 at Alabama – This is a huge game for both teams. Nick Saban is trying to make Bama relevant again, and Houston Nutt is trying to keep his job. Bama has given up just 63 yards per game on the ground in their first two contests, but Darren McFadden and Felix Jones will cause that number to go up significantly. If Razorback QB, Casey Dick can establish any semblance of a passing game (made more difficult without the services of Marcus Monk), Arkansas wins. If not, this could be the beginning of a disappointing autumn in Fayetteville. Book it – Arkansas 24 Alabama 20

I don’t mind pushing on such an outstanding game…bulls&*t! I hate tying! Tying is like winning a $1 on a lottery ticket, drinking warm Coors Light, or getting a massage from a sweaty Russian man who doesn’t read social cues (this actually happened to me…thanks, honey!) McFadden and Jones combined for almost 300 yards, and Casey Dick threw 3 TD passes, but someone forgot to tell the Hogs that Alabama was allowed to throw the football! I am of average intelligence, and have very poor hygiene, posture, and taste in modern architecture!

Wyoming +12 at Boise State – Both teams bring solid defenses and balanced offenses into what should be a great game. I love what Joe Glenn is doing in Laramie, and though I do not think that the Cowboys will leave Boise with a W, they will keep this close. Look for the Cowboy secondary to force 2 Taylor Tharp turnovers, and for Karsten Sween to continue his solid play. However, Ian Johnson and Chris Petersen’s creativity will be the difference. Book it – Boise State 27 Wyoming 23

Wyoming is not quite at Boise’s level, but they are on the right track. Look for Joe Glenn to exit Laramie after leading the Cowboys to a bowl in 2007. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

CU +4.5 vs. Florida State – I will always pick the Buffs to cover. I have no ability to asses this game from an unbiased perspective. However, this is the biggest game in Boulder for several years, ESPN has been good to the Buffs in the past, and the Buffs see the return of Josh Smith and Hugh Charles (two of their 5 fastest players). Sigh. Let’s just move on before I end up in tears…again.

Due to time constraints, we now move on to the relevant portion of our program. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Wake Forest -20 vs. Army – Wake is better than its 0-2 record with losses coming on the road at BC, and in the waning seconds (a game they should have won) against the Cornholios. Look for Wake to blow past a bad Army team with relative ease.

Wake slept walked through this game because they hate me (I have the mail to prove it!). I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Texas Tech -28 at Rice – Rice gave up 7 miles in passing yards to Baylor last week, and got beat by Nichols State in week one…my sources tell me that Texas Tech will deviate from their vaunted ground attack and will actually try to throw the ball. Look for Graham Harrell to throw for about 700 yards and Tech to put up 60 plus against the Owl.

Graham Harrell threw for 6 TD’s against a very talented Rice secondary. Mike Leach should be commended for his willingness to play the best anywhere, anytime. If Rice, UTEP, and SMU aren’t scary enough, Tech faces Northwestern State in two weeks on ESPNTP (test pattern). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

East Carolina +1 vs. Southern Miss – The Pirates have looked damn good against the run in the first two weeks including last week’s W over the Tar Heels. Southern Miss prefers to run the ball to set up the pass, thus Jeremy Young and his 47% completion rate will have the game in his hands. Yikes.

East Carolina, where the trees grow like hair! East Carolina, my heart and upper torso long to be there! East Carolina, a place where skunks run free! East Carolina, my home how I miss thee! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Central Florida +17.5 vs. Texas – Don’t let the final score of Texas’ W over TCU last week fool you. The Longhorns played below the level of their talent for much of the game, and they have not found much consistency on offense. George O’Leary and the Black Knights have had two weeks to prepare after a nice win in week one over NC State. Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.

“Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.” Me, Last Week

No one in the history of man has ever made a prediction as stellar as this. This significance of this pick will have ripples for generations!

I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


Oregon -16.5 vs. Fresno State – Had Fresno left College Station with a triple OT W last week I might feel differently…however, they didn’t. Oregon probably gets too much credit for the pimp slapping they put on the Corn and Cobalt last week, but they did look impressive (even if Michigan played like it was a dress rehearsal for the Las Animas High School production of Hairspray).

Oregon smoked a FSU team that took A&M&T&RS (Truck and Reading Stuff) to 3 OT the week previous. Look for the Ducks to scare the crap out of USC and Cal (they will win one of the two; both games are in Eugene). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth! (that’s 2, B-Love!)

Vandy -5 vs. Mississippi – Vandy, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love your hair, your toes, your scent, the way you look dripping wet, your…damn, therapy is still not working!

I do not have physical feelings for Vandy. I do not fantasize about beyond trapped in an elevator during a protracted blackout with Vandy. I do not dream of Vandy swimming in a sea of whipped cream and cheap scotch. Thanks, doc. I feel much better. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

UNLV +17.5 vs. Hawaii – Let me repeat. HAWAII IS NOT THE SAME TEAM OFF OF THE ISLAND! Vegas gave Wisconsin all it could handle last week, and it will do the same to a Hawaii team that seems to care very little about stopping the other team.

Holy crap, I am really, really dumb. I am approaching reality TV participant dumb at an alarming rate. At this pace, I may hit the Republican think tank level by the end of the week! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Kentucky vs. Louisville (77) – In a first for the Journal, I am advising readers to TAKE THE F&^KING OVER! Hell, they may eclipse this number by halftime. Did you see Louisville’s defense against Middle Tennessee last week? Neither did I, and neither did anyone else as they were nonexistent. Andre Woodson and Brian Brohm will combine for 1,000 yards passing and both teams will score in the 40s. Book It! – Louisville 59 Kentucky 48

Ok, so I was off by a few points. However, I nailed the general flavor of the contest, right? Well, screw you! I am taking my UNO cards, my bag of Funions, my Hammer pants and I am going home to cry. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Tennessee +7.5 at Florida – This will be the first real test of the season for the defending national Champs and their fearless leader, Bill Belichick, Jr. While the Gators played Yahtzee with Troy and Western Ky., Tennessee went on the road to face Cal, and then pulled away from a decent Southern Miss team last week. Cal’s speed was good preparation for what the Vols will face in the swap, and though Florida will prevail, Tennessee will keep this one close (only 4 times in the last 10 games between these two have been decided by more than a touchdown). There is no denying Tim Tebow’s talent, but he will make mistakes (the Vols will turn at least one Tebow interception into six) against a Tennessee defense that finally showed some life in the second half against SOMISS. Look for this one to be a bit ugly, and for Florida to struggle early before pulling away after a late Erik Ainge interception. Book It! Urban’s Band of Rhode Scholars 24 Phil and the Orange Cream Cicle Nation 17

Florida is a fantastic football team in all phases of the game. They will lose in Baton Rouge on October 6, but it will be one helluva battle. How on Earth did I take Tennessee and the points!?! That’s it! No more Surprise Pie on Thursday night at Stuckeys! You have my solemn word on this, and I will even put my Surprise Pie matching socks and dickey on EBay this very minute! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Southern Cal -10 at Nebraska – I have read volumes of excrement discussing SC’s offensive woes against Idaho in week one, and I am here to tell you that what you saw in week one included about 2% of SC’s playbook. Yes, the game is in Lincoln, but SC is no stranger to hostile environments (Auburn, Va Tech, Notre Dame). SC is simply too talented, and too well-coached for Nebraska to have a chance in hell of pulling off the upset. This line is way too small as Nebraska may not see the end zone. Book It – SC 30 Corn 6

Can’t we just scrap the rest of the season and schedule a round-robin tournament with SC, LSU, OU, Florida, Ohio State, West Virginia and Cal? Who would be against this? Shut up, Penn State! You, Wisconsin, Texas, and Rutgers are in a timeout, and if you don’t start using nice words, no more Wow, Wow, Wubbzy for a week…and tell BC to quit wetting the bed. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


This Is A Type Of Kinda Like A Formal Dedication, Giving Out A Shout For Much InspirationAll I Ever Really Want To Do Is Get Nice, Get Loose And Goof My Little Slice Of LifeSendin' Out Love To All Corners Of The Land, I Jump Up On The Stage And Take The MicIn My Hand Not Playin' The Roll Just Being Who I Am, And If You Try To Dis Me I Couldn't Give A Damn, 'Cause I'm Rockin'