Most Significant Football Contributor on the Football Playing Field During This Past Week of the Playing of the Football Contests:

Justin Forsett, University of California – Forsett, who waited patiently (just once, I wish someone would be honest about this and say. “I hated waiting. I wish that muthaf*$kah in front of me would have had the common decency to rip a toenail open, contract combination skin, or get carjacked by crazed gang of seasoned crepe pan wielding culinary students late for a local taping of Rachel Ray’s $40 A Day! Waiting f*&ckin sucks, man.) in the shadow of Marshawn Lynch the last two years, torched the Volunteer defense for 156 yards on 26 carries. Statistically, there may have been more impressive performances, but Forsett did his dancing on the biggest stage last week.

Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

Every columnist who opined that Lloyd Carr would be fired at the end of this season as their lead story after the debacle in the stadium formerly known as the Big House last weekend. Of course Carr will be fired, and this just in, Wisconsinites (ers?) love cheese, Re-run is the greatest performer of my generation, and parachute pants look surprisingly good on people from Greenland. On what do swine dine: low hanging fruit, hommies.

Quote of the week number 1:

“Nuyt glik comuni opins dik Appalachian State beat Michigan ioty huldsh nuiertu tooey butta nies stueyjahuer nob Rome!” This lyrical nugget was uttered by Nubar Ramchochosinchui, a Mongolian wild horse ferrier to his brother, Dave after seeing the score flash across the screen of his iPhone. Nubar, an Ohio State fan, is reported to have spread the news on horseback from Upper Mon G (that’s what the locals call it) to all bordering countries ending in Stan.

Quote of the week number 2:

“Horatio, you have got to see this. What penmanship!” Cemetery worker, Morton Van Orlando, of Ann Arbor, Michigan made an urgent call to his co-worker, Nikon “Horatio” Stihls after finding a note in the hand of a dead body at the Ann Arbor cemetery late last Saturday. The note, which contained expletives never before written in the English language describing relations with house plants and culinary creations with turtle feces and cumin, was written in Ole Scottish Highland Script, a rarely used but strikingly beautiful form of writing. The arm, which was attached to the hand holding the note, was sticking out of ground. Though the force of the limb extending from 6 ft. under blew dirt over the head stone thus rendering the name on the stone somewhat unreadable at time of publication, however, sources close to both Morton and Horatio confirm that the last five letters were E-C-K-E-R.

Classic Quote:

“Learning about Cuba, and having some food.” The Zen of Jeff Spicoli is simple, yet profoundly deep. Think about it…close your eyes…feel pre-Castro Havana emanating from his words…feel it, smell it, taste if you must, but don’t deny the power of his words.

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

I now call my remote Herbstreit.

Commercial of the Week:

The latest U.S. Army recruiting commercial features footage of a young man sharing a watershed moment with his father after venturing home for the first time after basic training. After the vignette of the father and son, the commercial closes with the typical images of intense physical activity, heavy artillery fire, Irish dancing (ok, I lied. It wasn’t really Irish dancing. It was more like a Can-Can) and contact information. At the very end of the clip (which made me fall of the couch, and no, I was not practicing my synchronized swimming moves again!) they tell the potential recruit that if he or she calls now they will receive a free Boonie hat. What the F!?! I get to go to Iraq and I get a free hat. Sign me up! Think, think…we need more troops. Anyone got any fresh ideas? Free hats! Holy s&*t! That’s brilliant!

A Mind is a Terrible Thing To Waste:

I now posses the knowledge that Gwen Stefani has a new fragrance (I hear it smells like Brie and Taco Bell!)!?! The damage is irreparable; I can no longer remember Avogadro’s number! Why must you torture me with the siren that is your scent, Gwen? Why!!!!!!

Fireside Chat, with Thane Billingswood:

Dear Thane,

I recently watched 300 this past week. It was cool. What do you think?

Lovingly yours,

Olan Biermeir
Sandusky, OH

Dear Olan,

I too enjoyed 300. Though to me it seemed to be an incredibly sweaty movie, and I bet the set smelled like an outhouse at a Motorhead concert, the “This is Sparta!” scene did stick with me, and I have found that it has practical applications in real life. Why just the other day I ordered summer peach pancakes at my neighborhood IHOP and the waiter brought me a bowl of lightly sweetened granola, fresh kiwi, and poached quail eggs. I politely asked the strapping young waiter to bring me what I had ordered. When he refused, I calmly stood up and said firmly, “This is Sparta!” I then kicked the waiter in the chest and an enormous hole opened up into which he plummeted to what was sure to be a painful death. What fun!

Best Regards,

TB

Reality TV I Would Love to See:

David Blaine turns Criss Angel into Poi! As Kenny Banya would say, “That’s gold, Jerry, gold!”

College Football Haiku:

Pigskin with those Stripes
Do not fear the wobbling Flight
Pick six time Tonight!

Brushes with Greatness:

ESPN’s Dana Jacobson once bought Wendy’s French fries for me as we watched future Chicago Bear and Lamborghini hate group leader, Lance Briggs star for Elk Grove High School. To answer your question, yes, I am the most significant person on the planet.

Honest Ad Campaigns:

The Nanny Diaries: 97 Minutes of Torture (don’t ask, just trust me).

In their infinite wisdom, the producers of this fine film decided that it would be a stupendous idea to make the gorgeous Scarlett Johansson look like every girl you went to high school with in the 80’s. Couldn’t they have just cast Drew Barrymore and saved us the trouble?

Reasons Me Love Canada:

They put a f&*cking Moose on their money! That is awesome!

Reliving the Greatest Moments of Your Little Lives – The Glorious Review of The Triumph of Week One:

Overall Picks – 9-3
Hammerlocks – Five and Oh!

Georgia Tech +1 vs. Notre Dame – The Jimmy Clausen era seems to be on hold (buck up little camper, and keep making those F&*cking pickles!) and the Golden Craniums lose the home opener (look at the sched., they may not win for a while). Book It! Georgia Tech 31 – Notre Dame 23

Great job by Charlie Weis and his Golden Domed staff members for executing a flawlessly consistent performance: bad on offense, bad on defense, bad on special teams, bad on the walk from the locker-room, bad on the walk to the locker-room, bad on the pregame meal, bad on…you get the point. ND does not yet have the athletes to compete for National Title, but losing by 30 at home to a good, but not great ACC team is inexcusable. Good luck, Mr. Clausen and welcome to Happy Valley. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Wyoming +4 vs. Virginia – I have a man crush on Wyoming QB Karsten Sween. Just say his name, no really, say it, SAY IT! Where’s my paper bag!?! Laramie will be straight jacked up (a phrase not typically associate with Laramie) and the Cowpokes will avenge last year’s overtime loss in Charlottesville. Book It! Wyoming 24 - Virginia 21 (Take the Money Line +140)

I am so damn good sometimes that I feel like walking away from the grind to pursue my dream of opening up an organic basil farm in Northern East Carolina…what…no East Carolina…but what about…s&%t. I love this Cowboy team, and they will make the BYU’s, TCU’s, BTU’s, and BTO’s of the world earn every shinny inch of the brass plated MWC trophy (courtesy of Farmer’s Trophies and Engraving). I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Wake Forest +6.5 at BC – Wake returns the core of last year’s Orange Bowl team (including RB Micah Andrews and QB Riley Skinner), and faces a BC team still shaken from Tom O’Brien’s exit to fellow ACC foe NC State. Book It! Wake Forest 30 - BC 21

Matt Ryan throws for 900 yards against Wake’s secondary, and Wake loses starting QB, Riley Skinner in the second quarter. The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds.

Wisconsin -14 vs. Wazzu – Cheeseheads rise from your slumber for now is the time to consume aged cheddar, brats, custard, Linies, and pack Camp Randall for what may be a run to the BCS title game. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like the site of 50,000 Wisconsiners (ites?) leaving the cold of Madison, Sheboygan, and Osh Kosh for a warm weather bowl site in January. Red hats, red shirts, red shorts, bright white Nordic skin, and 47,000 mustaches (women and children represent a shocking high percentage). Mix that with the smell of citrus fruits and hot mustard and my friends, you have yourself an epic party. Book It! The Men of Cheese 40 – Wazzu 23

With Michigan’s loss, Wisconsin now has the inside track to the Big Ten + the team that came late to the party so we act like petty 16 year-old girls and were not going to count you Near n Near n Near Near title. If they can get through a road trip to You Don’t Count U unscathed (raise your hand if you have ever been scathed? It hurts like the dickens, campers.), then all that stands b/t Bielema’s men of Cheddar and Fire is a date with the Sweater Vest Nation on November 3 in Null and Void Town, USA! I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

BYU -4 vs. Arizona – Prediction: Mike Stoops will be back at OU next fall. Arizona can’t score and BYU is on the rise. I really don’t give a s*&t about this game, so crank up the 8-track and give it up for Foghat! Book It! BYU 34 Arizona 16

Repeat after me, touchdowns are our friends, touchdowns don’t cause nightmares, touchdowns make people happy, touchdowns do not cause global warming or global diming (it’s real! Look it up! Don’t make me do all of the f*&king work, idiots.)…good session, Mike. Same time next week? I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!


Georgia -6.5 vs. OK State - Okie State travels to Athens with a formidable combination of QB Bobby Reed, WR Adarius Bowman, and billionaire Boone Pickens. We have been unable to confirm the rumor that Boone offered Mark Richt his own Chik-fil-A franchise if he benches Matthew Stafford. Too much Stafford, too much REM, too much hedge = a UGA W. Book It! UGA 28 Okie State 21

Hey Florida, hey LSU, remember me! That’s right, folks…Mark Richt has put together another very solid group in Athens, and they will be in the mix for the SEC title. Other than a road-trip to Knoxville to catch Phil Fulmer on his last tour (get your Fulmer Tour 07: Hey, I Won a National Title with Freaking Tee Martin T-Shirts at www.peytoncomehometosaveus.com ), this becomes a one-game season for the Bulldogs: October 27 vs. Urban and his band of law abiding honor students. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Auburn -13.5 vs. Kansas State – K State coach, Ron Prince reads a book per week. Tommy Tuberville studies game film. Book It! The Braces Wearing Step-Sister to Alabama 31 - K State 17

Kansas State let Auburn off the mat…period. The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds

USC -46 vs. Idaho – On your right, Mann’s Chinese Theatre, on your left, Lindsay Lohan’s rehab center, and straight ahead the future site of most points scored in a college football game, the LA Coliseum. Book It! Troy 659 – Vandals 2

Ok, so I was off by a few hundred points. So what, I looked hot on Saturday night and I have a winning smile…screw it… The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds

Cal -6 vs. Tennessee – Warning: actual analysis ahead! Proceed with extreme caution and bring donuts. Vol QB Erik Ainge has a broken pinky so look for a couple of bad center/QB exchanges resulting in 14 CAL points. DeSean Jackson will have a huge day. Book It! Cal 39 – Vols 20

Cal looked fast and did just about anything it wanted to against a disappointing Group of Unpaid People squad. Me thinks that Cal may actually be the team it thinks it has been for the past several years. If they can maintain this kind of balance on offense and continue to dominate special teams (any kicker who deliberately kicks within 700 yards of DeSean Jackson should lose his scholarship), they will beat USC. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Clemson +3 vs. Florida State – Father vs. Son, blah, blah, blah. FSU’s new coordinators, blah, blah, blah. Tommy Bowden on the hot seat, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I want to talk about Pez! Pez: The candy that tastes great and promotes partial decapitation! Book It! Florida State 4 Clemson 3

Are there two more irrelevant so-called Big Time programs in the country!?! Florida State is like grunge music at this point. Great in the 90’s, but like Pearl Jam, haven’t done dik since. And Clemson, I mean, other than the stupid rock, what have they got? I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!


CU -2.5 vs. CSU – Deep breath, focus, stay clear, now DISCO! I have no clue what to expect from Ft. Sheep. They return a bunch of starters from a crappy team, and they get Kyle Bell back after knee surgery (quick, name the top 10 running backs after knee surgery, ok top 5…ok top 3…ok, name one who did not suck). What I do know is that Cody Hawkins has never lost as a starting QB (59-0), the Cheetah is the fastest animal on the planet, ears of Corn can’t hear for s&*t, and that Poker on TV is going to be big someday. Seriously, the Buffs seem to be solid on both lines, finally have some athletes at WR (too bad Josh Smith is out with a bruised kidney…I mean, c’mon! Hell, I climbed Kilimanjaro in 1968 with Tensing Norgay, Ted Williams, and James Brown with a torn ACL, a killer hangover from too much Upapuing [local beverage whipped up by the indigenous folks], and plantar fasciitis), and Hugh Charles is primed for a huge senior campaign (he will be the best back in the Big 12 this year or my name is not Brick Tamland!). The Buffs will dominate the lines, Cody will be efficient, and Hugh Charles goes for 2 Bills. Book It! CU 31 CSU 13.

I was a bit off on the dominating the lines thing and the Hugh Charles thing (could this mean that I have the SI power of jinxing people!?! Hooray! Let the masses flock to my domain so that they may stare into the eyes of infinite power. Behold the spectacle!), but guess what, 60-0! I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Utterly Ridiculous:

From the Boulder Daily Camera (www.buffzone.com) a lesson in anthropology:
A University of Colorado football player arrested in connection with a June brawl on University Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault this morning in Boulder County Court.
Michael Sipili, a 19-year-old sophomore linebacker from Hawaii, will be sentenced Wednesday. He could receive probation or up to two years in the Boulder County Jail.
Sipili was arrested Aug. 1 on suspicion of tackling and punching a 22-year-old CU student, breaking his orbital bone, early June 16. He has been suspended indefinitely from the football squad.
Sipili’s attorney, Lou Rubino, told the court today that his client did not start the brawl, but jumped in to defend a friend — a trait indicative of the Samoan culture.
Rubino said that after consulting Deward Walker Jr., an anthropologist at CU, he learned that Polynesians are "proud, loyal, law-abiding" people who stand by their friends and family and are very protective of them.
“And as we see here, loyalty can sometimes get you in trouble,” Rubino said.
Sipili has no criminal history, Rubino said, and is very remorseful about the situation.
Rubino suggested to the court the possibility of a restorative justice component to his sentence.
Judge John Stavely said that was a good idea, but he could not force the victim of a crime to participate.
What!?! Sipili broke a guys orbital bone because he is Polynesian! I spoke with Dr. Walker about what people from other cultures/ethnic groups might do in a similar situation:
White Trash: Typically, too drunk to get out of the 88’ Grand Am to fight
Nordic: Would have stabbed the person with their Viking helmet
Huns: Would have dragged the person around Boulder behind trusted steed
Nebraska: Most are too stupid to pass driving test, thus rendering a fight in Boulder highly unlikely

Predictions - Week 2 Games:

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain:

Note: I have changed the title of Hammerlock to something that more accurately reflects my brilliance: The certainty of this event is firmly embedded in the foundation of our existence.

Rutgers -16 vs. Navy – Rutgers beat a better Navy team last year on the road 34-0. Navy struggled last week with Temple, Earlobe, and Forehead. Does Temple still give scholarships for football? Ray Rice is sublime, but the key to the Scarlet Knights (Skyrockets in flight, I love those Scarlet Knights, aaah, afternoon delight!) is Mike Teel. If he can continue to improve and give Rutgers a semblance of a passing attack, this team will end up in a BCS bowl. Book it – Rutgers 38 Navy 15 (do they give away free hats too?)

OU -10.5 vs. Miami – Randy Shannon will win at Miami. He will recruit South Florida well (especially if Bowden continues to channel Eddie Veder), and coach ridiculous defense. However, they do not have the talent to compete with a very good Sooner team (If you put this same Miami team in Iowa State uniforms, the line would be 4-5 points higher). Sam Bradford looked excellent against North Texas in his first start, and though he will not repeat his 91% completion percentage (they did tell North Texas that OU no longer runs the option, right?), he will do enough to move the Sooners one step closer to being unbeaten only to have their hearts ripped out of their chests in Boulder in a few weeks…er…. – Book it – OU 30 Miami 13

Cal -14 at CSU – Now, CSU will keep this reasonable for a half. However, Cal is a much better team than the one CSU faced a week ago, and CSU has struggled with a Buffalo hangover in years past. Kyle Bell will get his yards, but CSU will not be able to keep Cal out of the end zone (remember, Mike touchdowns are gooood). Book it – Cal 38 CSU 20

Oregon +8.5 at Michigan – Oregon runs the same offense that AState ran last week, and does so with much better athletes. Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart will provide significant problems for the Cobalt and Corn, and if they score early, this could be another loss for the Wolverines. Psychology will play a major role in this game, and will determine how Michigan fares the rest of the season. Michigan has far too much talent to be down for long, but a loss like the one they suffered last week can fracture the foundation of a program. Mike Hart seems like the only Michigan veteran to give a crap as evidenced by his spirited play in the second half of last week’s game. He better find a way to convince Mario and Chad to step up as well. Book it – Michigan 30 Oregon 28

Washington +3 vs. Boise State –Ty Willingham is reviving a once proud program, but they are still a ways from approaching the halcyon days of Don James. Washington is much better than they were when Willingham arrived, and looked good last week against Syracuse (hey, Greg, Craigslist is a great place to look for jobs). It is tough to tell much from Boise’s dismantling of Weber State, but the Broncos know how to win. They will make Taylor Tharp manage the game, and put the ball in Ian Johnson’s hands as much as possible. However, the Huskies will play the best game of the Willingham era, and with give Ty his first signature win as coach of the Huskies. Book it – Washington 37 Boise State 36

UGA -3.5 vs. South Carolina – Ball coach will get there, but not this year. UGA is for real, and will more than cover this tiny spread by half-time. Georgia beat a solid Okayed State team, and shut down a quality offense. South Carolina did put up 28 points last week, but it was against Louisiana-Lafayette-Ponce de Leon. Surprisingly, Spurrier’s teams have struggled to put up points on a consistent basis (scoring 30 points just once in the last 7 SEC games). They will struggle again in Athens as FuntimeChicken QB, Blake “No, I won’t grow my hair out like Steve Tanneyhill” Mitchell will repeat the mistakes that have plagued him during his career in Columbia. Georgia will win the turnover battle and Matthew Stafford will continue to develop into the best QB in the SEC. Book it – UGA 27 South Carolina 17

Penn State -17.5 vs. Notre Dame – Though this is a big number, nothing that Notre Dame did last week makes me believe that they will have much success this week. All eyes will be on phenom, Jimmy Clausen, and me thinks that he will try to do too much to overcome the Irish’s shortfalls. Plus, Jimmy don’t play defense and apparently, neither do any of his teammates. The Nittany Lions (I get this image of a White Lion dressed in a kilt playing bag pipes over looking some cliff in the Scottish Highlands, then he strips out of the kilt to reveal a pink…timeout…15 yard penalty for unnecessary animal fantasy) are a tad bit overrated, but that fact won’t be revealed this week. Book it – Penn State 27 ND 8

BYU +7.5 at UCLA – UCLA has 37 returning starters, and 4 guys who have played there since the storied Bob Toledo days. However, BYU is good enough to keep this one close. Remember, this is the same UCLA team that gave up 44 points to Florida State in last year’s Enzyte Bowl (ok, it wasn’t the Enzyte Bowl, but damn, how can you not love the guy from the Enzyte commercials; he is just so happy to have a woodie). Book it – UCLA 24 BYU 20

Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Southern Miss +10.5 at Tennessee – Southern Miss loves the big stage, and Tennessee has too many holes to fill at this point.

Baylor -6.5 vs. Rice – I mean, who gives a crap.

La Tech +28 vs. Hawaii – Hot, humid, slimy night in the Bayou will help to keep this reasonable. Hawaii is a different team away from the Island.

KState -17.5 vs. SJSU – K State showed that it can compete with quality programs last week, and will have little trouble handling the Spartans. This is Spa…forget it.

Iowa -21.5 vs. Syracuse – Ok, who’s next…yes, Greg. Greg, have you ever worked at Starbuck’s? No, well welcome. Now make me a f*&king non-fat soy mocha chino, and step on it!

CU +15 at ASU – CU will leave the desert with a W and one hell of tan. Stay tuned next week for Myopia: The Musical!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

TCU +9 at Texas – Texas looked putrid against Arkansas State last week, but somehow got pretty much a free pass from the media. Not hear, Eunice! Texas is far too talented to play that poorly. TCU wants this game badly. Win here, and a BCS bowl awaits. Lose, and it’s back to Country Buffet to feast on Cowboy, Aztec, and Lobo leftovers. Book it – TCU 28 Texas 27

LSU – 11 vs. Virginia Tech – This game will be hailed as the game of the day all day on Saturday, but I don’t expect this one to live up to the hype. Virginia Tech is vastly overrated LSU is the second most talented team in the country. If Brandon Ore thought running against my beloved home state of East Carolina was tough, wait till he sees what is waiting for him in Baton Rouge. Book it – LSU 38 Virginia Tech 17

The preceding information may cause the following side effects: diarrhea, swelling of the left thumb, gingivitis, involuntary salsa dancing, and poor use of syntax!