Predictions - Week 2 Games:

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain:

Note: I have changed the title of Hammerlock to something that more accurately reflects my brilliance: The certainty of this event is firmly embedded in the foundation of our existence.

Rutgers -16 vs. Navy – Rutgers beat a better Navy team last year on the road 34-0. Navy struggled last week with Temple, Earlobe, and Forehead. Does Temple still give scholarships for football? Ray Rice is sublime, but the key to the Scarlet Knights (Skyrockets in flight, I love those Scarlet Knights, aaah, afternoon delight!) is Mike Teel. If he can continue to improve and give Rutgers a semblance of a passing attack, this team will end up in a BCS bowl. Book it – Rutgers 38 Navy 15 (do they give away free hats too?)

OU -10.5 vs. Miami – Randy Shannon will win at Miami. He will recruit South Florida well (especially if Bowden continues to channel Eddie Veder), and coach ridiculous defense. However, they do not have the talent to compete with a very good Sooner team (If you put this same Miami team in Iowa State uniforms, the line would be 4-5 points higher). Sam Bradford looked excellent against North Texas in his first start, and though he will not repeat his 91% completion percentage (they did tell North Texas that OU no longer runs the option, right?), he will do enough to move the Sooners one step closer to being unbeaten only to have their hearts ripped out of their chests in Boulder in a few weeks…er…. – Book it – OU 30 Miami 13

Cal -14 at CSU – Now, CSU will keep this reasonable for a half. However, Cal is a much better team than the one CSU faced a week ago, and CSU has struggled with a Buffalo hangover in years past. Kyle Bell will get his yards, but CSU will not be able to keep Cal out of the end zone (remember, Mike touchdowns are gooood). Book it – Cal 38 CSU 20

Oregon +8.5 at Michigan – Oregon runs the same offense that AState ran last week, and does so with much better athletes. Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart will provide significant problems for the Cobalt and Corn, and if they score early, this could be another loss for the Wolverines. Psychology will play a major role in this game, and will determine how Michigan fares the rest of the season. Michigan has far too much talent to be down for long, but a loss like the one they suffered last week can fracture the foundation of a program. Mike Hart seems like the only Michigan veteran to give a crap as evidenced by his spirited play in the second half of last week’s game. He better find a way to convince Mario and Chad to step up as well. Book it – Michigan 30 Oregon 28

Washington +3 vs. Boise State –Ty Willingham is reviving a once proud program, but they are still a ways from approaching the halcyon days of Don James. Washington is much better than they were when Willingham arrived, and looked good last week against Syracuse (hey, Greg, Craigslist is a great place to look for jobs). It is tough to tell much from Boise’s dismantling of Weber State, but the Broncos know how to win. They will make Taylor Tharp manage the game, and put the ball in Ian Johnson’s hands as much as possible. However, the Huskies will play the best game of the Willingham era, and with give Ty his first signature win as coach of the Huskies. Book it – Washington 37 Boise State 36

UGA -3.5 vs. South Carolina – Ball coach will get there, but not this year. UGA is for real, and will more than cover this tiny spread by half-time. Georgia beat a solid Okayed State team, and shut down a quality offense. South Carolina did put up 28 points last week, but it was against Louisiana-Lafayette-Ponce de Leon. Surprisingly, Spurrier’s teams have struggled to put up points on a consistent basis (scoring 30 points just once in the last 7 SEC games). They will struggle again in Athens as FuntimeChicken QB, Blake “No, I won’t grow my hair out like Steve Tanneyhill” Mitchell will repeat the mistakes that have plagued him during his career in Columbia. Georgia will win the turnover battle and Matthew Stafford will continue to develop into the best QB in the SEC. Book it – UGA 27 South Carolina 17

Penn State -17.5 vs. Notre Dame – Though this is a big number, nothing that Notre Dame did last week makes me believe that they will have much success this week. All eyes will be on phenom, Jimmy Clausen, and me thinks that he will try to do too much to overcome the Irish’s shortfalls. Plus, Jimmy don’t play defense and apparently, neither do any of his teammates. The Nittany Lions (I get this image of a White Lion dressed in a kilt playing bag pipes over looking some cliff in the Scottish Highlands, then he strips out of the kilt to reveal a pink…timeout…15 yard penalty for unnecessary animal fantasy) are a tad bit overrated, but that fact won’t be revealed this week. Book it – Penn State 27 ND 8

BYU +7.5 at UCLA – UCLA has 37 returning starters, and 4 guys who have played there since the storied Bob Toledo days. However, BYU is good enough to keep this one close. Remember, this is the same UCLA team that gave up 44 points to Florida State in last year’s Enzyte Bowl (ok, it wasn’t the Enzyte Bowl, but damn, how can you not love the guy from the Enzyte commercials; he is just so happy to have a woodie). Book it – UCLA 24 BYU 20

Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Southern Miss +10.5 at Tennessee – Southern Miss loves the big stage, and Tennessee has too many holes to fill at this point.

Baylor -6.5 vs. Rice – I mean, who gives a crap.

La Tech +28 vs. Hawaii – Hot, humid, slimy night in the Bayou will help to keep this reasonable. Hawaii is a different team away from the Island.

KState -17.5 vs. SJSU – K State showed that it can compete with quality programs last week, and will have little trouble handling the Spartans. This is Spa…forget it.

Iowa -21.5 vs. Syracuse – Ok, who’s next…yes, Greg. Greg, have you ever worked at Starbuck’s? No, well welcome. Now make me a f*&king non-fat soy mocha chino, and step on it!

CU +15 at ASU – CU will leave the desert with a W and one hell of tan. Stay tuned next week for Myopia: The Musical!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

TCU +9 at Texas – Texas looked putrid against Arkansas State last week, but somehow got pretty much a free pass from the media. Not hear, Eunice! Texas is far too talented to play that poorly. TCU wants this game badly. Win here, and a BCS bowl awaits. Lose, and it’s back to Country Buffet to feast on Cowboy, Aztec, and Lobo leftovers. Book it – TCU 28 Texas 27

LSU – 11 vs. Virginia Tech – This game will be hailed as the game of the day all day on Saturday, but I don’t expect this one to live up to the hype. Virginia Tech is vastly overrated LSU is the second most talented team in the country. If Brandon Ore thought running against my beloved home state of East Carolina was tough, wait till he sees what is waiting for him in Baton Rouge. Book it – LSU 38 Virginia Tech 17

The preceding information may cause the following side effects: diarrhea, swelling of the left thumb, gingivitis, involuntary salsa dancing, and poor use of syntax!