Quote of the week:

“So, I took the enema and I feel much better.”

This lovely little gem was spoken by a hairy, naked Russian man this morning in the locker room where I work (no, there are no locker rooms at Taco Bell, genius) as I poured myself a cup of morning joe. After throwing up in my mouth, I returned to my office with great alacrity and updated my resume. The vision of this event is certain to haunt me for decades to come; oh joy.

Will the Last One Left at the Party Please Turn of the Fondue Pot!

I know that New Orleans is not the same city it was before W and his minions turned in a Mets-esque performance in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the way BCS National Championship contenders are getting kicked in the d*&k you’d think the game was being held in Tehran (by the way, nice performance in NYC, Ahmadinejad! Fantastic impression of a talking penis!). Does anyone outside of Columbus want to be in New Orleans in early January!?! The situation is at the point where pretty soon we will be discussing the resumes of the best 2 loss teams in the country.

Well, given the fact that I am the smartest man on the planet, I will once again predict the future (earlier predictions include Bill Callahan’s demise at the University of Corn Science, Hugh Charles emerging as the best back in the Big 12, and the Colorado Rockies winning the National League Pennant…ok, I didn’t predict that one until Game 3 of the NLCS, but it still counts, muthaf*&kahs! Quick side note – do the Rockies get actual pennants like the ones we hung in our rooms as kids? If so, that is really, really cool.). Now, back to the road-to-New Orleans-even-though-no-team-will-travel-on-an-actual-road preview of the final five twelfths of the 2008 college football season!

George Clooney Division: Yes, I have a man crush on George Clooney. A fine man, a fine actor, a bleeding heart lefty like me, and a snappy dresser…he is at the top of the food chain, hommies.

Ohio State – Since there is very little else to do in Columbus (trust me on this one), Bucks fans can turn away from pathological over-eating and focus on future pathological over-eating in New Orleans. However, a date with the suddenly resurgent Wolverines in Ann Arbor could get a bit sticky (rumor has it that Michigan will coat the Big House field with a fine layer of peanut butter, honey, and vegemite). Surprisingly, the Bucks have flown somewhat under the radar this season mostly due to the fact that the Big 10 looks more like CUSA at this point. However, this is the same type of team with which the Bucks won it all in 2001, and they may just do it again…but they won’t.

Boston College – Matt Ryan is the best quarterback in the country not playing for the University of Kentucky and BC has a relatively easy road to New Orleans. Their fate will be decided next weekend as they travel to Blacksburg to face a still over-rated Hokies squad (can you get more hick than a team from Appalachia with the moniker of Hokies? Maybe Hee Haw University should just change its name from Mountaineers to the Branchless Family Trees and get it over with). BC will win in Blacksburg, but will lose on the road to Under Armour U in a few weeks.

LSU – Despite losing a game they should have won last week, LSU will run the table, win the SEC Championship, and will win the whole thing in a virtual home game in New Orleans. This team has too much talent to give up 43 points to Kentucky, but yet it happened. I don’t see the Bayou Bengals allowing anyone else off the mat like they did last week in Lexington.

Kentucky – Had the Wildcats not lost to South Carolina earlier this year, they would be in much better position to get to NO. However, Kentucky has very little chance of making it to the SEC CG much less the BCS CG, and look for them to drop at least one more game this season (at Vandy or at UGa).

South Carolina – I would do back flips if the Game Carks found their way to NO to face Ohio State. The thought of a Spurrier holding court with the national media makes me giddy. Sadly, the South Carolina will lose again to LSU in the SEC CG and we will be left with the always gregarious Jim Tressel and the homespun magic of Les Miles. Whoopie! Cheetos for everyone!

Oklahoma – Who have they beaten? Exactly. Who’s left on their schedule? Exactly.

Neil Patrick Harris Division: If you don’t believe me that NPH is to be revered, then rent Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and witness firsthand the magic that is NPH.

Cal – How on Earth do you lose to Oregon State at home with a National Championship on the line!?! Sad.

West Virginia – With South Florida’s loss in Piscataway to Rutgers, the door to the Big East Championship is now open (there is an actual door…I’ve seen it…it changed my life.). This is a fantastic TV team, and I look forward to seeing them back in a BCS bowl.

Kansas – No. Nah. Well…Is it possible for the Fighting Manginos to run the table? Maybe. Surviving road trips to Boulder (shut up, Brandon), College Station, Stillwater, and Mount Rushmore will not be easy, but at least the good folks in Larry will have something to focus on before turning their attention to Bill Self’s hoop team as they gear up for another run at a first-round exit in March.

Arizona State – I have no idea if this team is good enough to play with the big boys, and the loss of Ryan Torrain will not help matters much. ASU has had a nice run, but with Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC in the next four weeks the run will go Gump (get it…Forest Gump…stops running IN THE DESERT…Arizona State is in the desert…forget it).

Oregon – The Ducks may end up as one of the teams on the outside looking in. With home games against SC, ASU, the Ducks could finish the season 11-1 with W’s over Michigan, USC, and ASU (all of whom may be ranked in the top 15 at season’s end). Oregon will win the PAC-10 and will face West Virginia in the Rose Bowl. Hee Haw comes to Hollywood! Quick, someone see if we can arrange a party at Chaz Sheen’s place in Malibu for Junior, Couter, and the rest of the Pyle nation.

Willie Ames Division: Do I need to say anything else?

USC – Stanford.

Florida – I can’t wait to see Ole Ball Coach punch Urban “I Have the Personality of Carpet” Meyer dead in the face on November 10th sending the Gators to their 5th loss in 6 games (losses – Auburn, LSU, Kentucky this weekend, Georgia in two weeks, and South Carolina). I hayte Florida!

South Florida – Rutgers. This is a much better loss than USC’s, Oklahoma’s or Cal’s. Rutgers is better than their record and the Big East is the third best conference in the county behind the SEC and Pac 10. However, programs like South Florida will not get the same benefit of the doubt as the big boys.

From the Dexter Manley Library of Things with Little Symbols and Numbers:

The Children by David Halberstam – If you can pull yourself away from the sports section of your local Border’s, check out this title by one of the best American authors of the 20th century. Halberstam, who unfortunately passed away in 2007, chronicles his life as a young reporter working in Nashville during the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960’s and his time spent following a phenomenal group of black college students and their struggle to change a nation and a culture. This is a fantastic read, and you may actually learn something.



Roman, you need to read this book and you need to make your students read it. You will thank me!

Cool Like Sandals and Black Socks:

I saw 43 Year Old Man (like Superman, but with more money, a bigger ego, and a smaller…) driving a brand new Corvette the other day sporting a “no man is my equal and I have Scarlett Johansson on speed dial” look, Top Gun sunglasses, Ted Danson boat shoes sans sock, and a Polo shirt complete with the popped collar while listening to Foreigner for all of us fortunate enough to be in his presence to hear. I love 43 Year Old Man. He is so rad.

Would someone tell men in their mid-40s that driving a corvette is NO LONGER COOL!

I Will Call Him, George. I Will Love Him, and Hug Him, and Kiss Him:

I am going to shoot the next person who names a college football Saturday with hollow-point Nerf bullets at point blank range. I swear I’ll do it; I am that f*&king crazy. It’s Like That.

Survival Saturday, Showdown Saturday, Removing the Corns from My Feet Saturday, Barium enema Saturday, Full Frontal Bingo Saturday, Constipation and Cocktails Saturday, Paying Drunk People to Eat Stuff Saturday (aka, The Don Jones Memorial Competition of Ingesting Borderline Safe Substances Saturday)…

Quietly Crying in the Corner While Sucking My Thumb:

That last section brought tears to my eyes thinking of the halcyon days of when Nerf was one of the top 3 most important things in my life. I think that more stuff should be made from Nerf. Don’t underestimate the power of Nerf. Think about it! Have you ever not smiled when Nerf was prominently involved? Exactly! Just saying Nerf makes me smile. So do kittens, and peaches, and unicorns and meat and tacos, yeah, I love tacos, and marble counter tops, and ping pong, and Karaoke, and Hank Kingsley, and cumin and they way deer poop forms in little balls, and corn.

Wait! He’s Still Alive!?!

Everyone here at the Journal would like to wish Kenny Lofton a happy 73rd birthday!

Basebol Has Been Berry, Berry Good to Me:

I have watched exactly 794 hours of baseball in the past 6 weeks, and I have to say that I have never had this much fun following the sport that still holds a place in the hearts of American men that neither football nor ultimate Frisbee will ever reach. If you live in Colorado, and you don’t do everything short of beating up an old lady (over 75) to get World Series tickets then you cannot justifiably call yourself a sports fan.

Like No One Saw This Coming:

As inevitable as morning wood waking up to say “hello” 30 seconds before the bell rings at the end of your freshman year algebra class, Bill Callahan is on his way out at Nebraska…shocker. This guy is a joke, and Nebraska did the right thing by firing Steve Pederson and unthawing Dr. Tom from the cryogenic chamber to lead the search for a new head coach. Money here says that they go with a Nebraska guy, so look for Buffalo head coach, Turner Gill to get a call from Dr. Tom.

Lickable Links:

Every time you read the magic that is this journal, I am sure that you shake your head and utter, “How can one man know so much when I know so little?” The sheer force of this imbalance may cause the Earth to spin uncontrollably off its axis; how can I stop this catastrophe before it’s too late!?!” Well, you can’t. However, in the meantime, you can check out these links for some fun before the inferno commences.

www.cfn.scout.com
http://sports-ak.espn.go.com/ncf/index
http://buffzone.com/blogs/
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

Classic Quote:

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
It jumped up a notch. It did, didn't it? Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart. I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident? Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident. Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

If you don’t know what movie this is from then you suck. Yeah, you do. You suck. Sucky, suck, suck! Suckah! Suck.

I would love, LOVE to get in a fight like that with my boys. Man, that would be so freaking cool.

Brilliant Insight:

Does anyone really care that Charles in Charge is 45 and single? Or 55 and balding? Or 65 and has a UTI? Or 75 and scaring young children? Or 85 and in diapers?

VHI: The Dumping Ground for Celebrities Who Are No Longer Relevant to Anyone on the Planet Other Than Themselves!

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I have started an online petition to make hockey illegal below the 42nd parallel. Go to www.savehockeyforcanadacausethatsallwehaveotherthanNickelbackgodwehateNickelback.com/banhockey/nerf/Molson/Lorne/Barenakedladies.html to sign the petition. You have the power to give the gift of hockey. You have the power to give the good people of Winnipeg, Regina, Hamilton, Quebec City, Halifax, PEI, and Saskatoon a reason to act violently Canadian once more! Hockey does not belong in Phoenix, Anaheim, Nashville (I mean, WTF), Florida, Carolina, and, yes, even Denver! Hockey belongs in a place where it is truly understood, and will be nurtured, and allowed to flourish! Break open a Labatt’s, put on some pants, and log on to save a sport, and more importantly, to save a country and its people! Thank you. Oh, Canada, my home and native land…

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

As I write this, I am watching UCONN vs. Soon-to-be-on-probation-thanks-to-Coach-Cal-and-Bobby-Petrino University for the second time. That one actually hurts a bit.

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

From ESPN.com - WACO, Texas –
The Baylor assistant football coach cited for public urination resigned Thursday.
Offensive line coach Eric Schnupp was suspended indefinitely by the university this week after being cited for urinating on the bar at a tavern. His resignation was effective immediately.
Schnupp was in his first season at Baylor, the world's largest Baptist university. He spent the previous three seasons coaching the offensive line at West Texas A&M.
Head coach Guy Morriss and offensive coordinator Lee Hays will oversee the offensive line. Morriss had doubled as offensive line coach before hiring Schnupp during the offseason.
Schnupp wasn't arrested but issued a citation early Sunday for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure at Scruffy Murphy's, police said. The citation is a Class C misdemeanor carrying a $258 fine, according to Waco Municipal Court.
Bartender Danny Severe said an employee saw Schnupp urinating on the bar, and a manager told police officers who were there on an unrelated matter, the Waco Tribune-Herald reported Tuesday.
The incident occurred several hours after the team had returned from Lawrence, Kan., where the Bears lost to Kansas 58-10.
Maybe he should have peed on Mark Mangino instead. Let’s just move on.

Brushes with Greatness:

Paul Reiser nearly ran me over with his Range Rover at a time when he still had a career.

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You:

Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain.

Overall Record:
57-39-2

Hammerlocks:
19-10-1

Week 8 Games:

Texas A&M +2 at Nebraska – This one is too easy. Nebraska is circling the drain, and the events of the past week have not helped. A&M is fantastically miasmic, but Nebraska is DOA.

Okie State -2.5 vs. Kansas State – K State got torched by Hugh Charles last week for nearly 180 yards, and the Buffs ran for well over 200 yards against a fast, but undersized Wildcat defense. This game is about matchups, and that’s bad news for the Kitties. Oklahoma State has averaged nearly 275 yards on the ground over their last 3 ballgames and they should find plenty of room to run Saturday. K State’s preparation and special teams will keep this close, but the Cowboys will cover (but not by much).

Tennessee -1 at Alabama – Who do you root for here? Fullmer? Saban? Yikes. Let’s hope this one ends at zeros in regulation and goes about 7 OTs before Tennessee kicks the game winner to leave Tuscaloosa with a dominating 3-0 win.

Virginia +4 at Maryland – Virginia has won six in a row, with 4 of those W’s coming by less than 6 points. This one will be close, and I will happily take the points.

Michigan -1 at Illinois – Mike Hart is a game time decision, so I don’t love this game. However, I like the story that is developing in Ann Arbor and the possibility of Michigan recovering from a catastrophic beginning to face Ohio State for the Big 10 title. If Michigan wins the Big 10, Lloyd Carr should get a contract extension, and no, I am not high. High, that’s funny word. Hey, man…I need some Funions bad!

Elton John Game of the Week:

CU +3.5 vs. Kansas – CU will beat Kansas straight up on Saturday. The moon is made of cheese. Kittens are agents of the devil. And finally, quilts can be melted and turned into marshmallow cream. I truly believe all of these things.

Moneyline Game of the Week:

Kentucky +220 vs. Florida – I am not buying Florida this year. They looked ridiculously good against Tennessee earlier this year, but have not been consistent offensively since then. Kentucky will score and score often. Forget the points; Florida will not be able to do enough offensively to leave Kentucky with a W. (Yes, that’s right! I bolded it! Yes folks, that is how I roll! Are people still saying this? Has it jumped the shark? Are people still saying jump the shark? Have I jumped the shark?)

Headed for B-List Hell on VH1 Game of the Week:

FSU -4.5 vs. Miami – This game has no meaning. Wow.

Why We Have AM Radio Games of the Week:

Penn State -7 at Indiana – Honey, it’s..it’s not…it’s not o…THE F*&KING GAME IS NOT ON TV! Go downstairs and listen to the game on the radio. I am going to watch Grey’s.

Too Lazy to Write Much Games of the Week:

Cincy -9.5 at Pitt – I will be sad to see the Manstache go…only 4 more weeks! Get your Dave Wannstedt Magical Manstache Tour tickets before it’s too late.

South Carolina -13.5 vs. Vanderbilt – Too much on the line for the Game Carks to do anything but dominate.

UNLV -2.5 vs. CSU – CSU has lost 136 games in a row. Vegas will make that 137. Let’s all celebrate by doing the forbidden dance…everybody, La Bamba or is it Lambada..ah, screw it.

Too Lazy to Write Anything Games of the Week:

Wake -3 at Navy
Mississippi +5 vs. Arkansas
Air Force -3 vs. Wyoming
New Mexico -8.5 at SDSU
Oregon -13 at Washington

Guantanamo Bay Game of the Week:
Rice PICK EM vs. Memphis – U – G – L – Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, hey, hey, you ugly..

Over/Under Games of the Week:

Fresno State vs. SJSU – OVER 57.5
Cincy vs. Pitt – UNDER 50

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Texas Tech +3.5 at Missouri – Texas Tech is such a difficult team to prepare for because you only see this scheme once a year. Tech is good, and they will put up big numbers against an average Missouri secondary. This is a huge game for both teams, and look for Tech to leave Columbia with a W.

Michigan State +18.5 at Ohio State – Michigan State is the best team Ohio State has played this year, and Mark Dantonio gave Tressel fits when he was at Cincy. Ohio State will win rather easily, but the Spartans will do just enough to cover.

LSU -10 vs. Auburn – If LSU does not play like their hair is on fire, then Les Miles did not do his job this week. Auburn does have a very solid defense, but LSU has too much on both sides of the ball for this to be anything but another Saturday night ass-whoppin in the Bayou. This one is for you, Baker.

Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide of a Cheese Sanich Supernova in the Sky!