Will the Last One Left at the Party Please Turn of the Fondue Pot!

I know that New Orleans is not the same city it was before W and his minions turned in a Mets-esque performance in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the way BCS National Championship contenders are getting kicked in the d*&k you’d think the game was being held in Tehran (by the way, nice performance in NYC, Ahmadinejad! Fantastic impression of a talking penis!). Does anyone outside of Columbus want to be in New Orleans in early January!?! The situation is at the point where pretty soon we will be discussing the resumes of the best 2 loss teams in the country.

Well, given the fact that I am the smartest man on the planet, I will once again predict the future (earlier predictions include Bill Callahan’s demise at the University of Corn Science, Hugh Charles emerging as the best back in the Big 12, and the Colorado Rockies winning the National League Pennant…ok, I didn’t predict that one until Game 3 of the NLCS, but it still counts, muthaf*&kahs! Quick side note – do the Rockies get actual pennants like the ones we hung in our rooms as kids? If so, that is really, really cool.). Now, back to the road-to-New Orleans-even-though-no-team-will-travel-on-an-actual-road preview of the final five twelfths of the 2008 college football season!

George Clooney Division: Yes, I have a man crush on George Clooney. A fine man, a fine actor, a bleeding heart lefty like me, and a snappy dresser…he is at the top of the food chain, hommies.

Ohio State – Since there is very little else to do in Columbus (trust me on this one), Bucks fans can turn away from pathological over-eating and focus on future pathological over-eating in New Orleans. However, a date with the suddenly resurgent Wolverines in Ann Arbor could get a bit sticky (rumor has it that Michigan will coat the Big House field with a fine layer of peanut butter, honey, and vegemite). Surprisingly, the Bucks have flown somewhat under the radar this season mostly due to the fact that the Big 10 looks more like CUSA at this point. However, this is the same type of team with which the Bucks won it all in 2001, and they may just do it again…but they won’t.

Boston College – Matt Ryan is the best quarterback in the country not playing for the University of Kentucky and BC has a relatively easy road to New Orleans. Their fate will be decided next weekend as they travel to Blacksburg to face a still over-rated Hokies squad (can you get more hick than a team from Appalachia with the moniker of Hokies? Maybe Hee Haw University should just change its name from Mountaineers to the Branchless Family Trees and get it over with). BC will win in Blacksburg, but will lose on the road to Under Armour U in a few weeks.

LSU – Despite losing a game they should have won last week, LSU will run the table, win the SEC Championship, and will win the whole thing in a virtual home game in New Orleans. This team has too much talent to give up 43 points to Kentucky, but yet it happened. I don’t see the Bayou Bengals allowing anyone else off the mat like they did last week in Lexington.

Kentucky – Had the Wildcats not lost to South Carolina earlier this year, they would be in much better position to get to NO. However, Kentucky has very little chance of making it to the SEC CG much less the BCS CG, and look for them to drop at least one more game this season (at Vandy or at UGa).

South Carolina – I would do back flips if the Game Carks found their way to NO to face Ohio State. The thought of a Spurrier holding court with the national media makes me giddy. Sadly, the South Carolina will lose again to LSU in the SEC CG and we will be left with the always gregarious Jim Tressel and the homespun magic of Les Miles. Whoopie! Cheetos for everyone!

Oklahoma – Who have they beaten? Exactly. Who’s left on their schedule? Exactly.

Neil Patrick Harris Division: If you don’t believe me that NPH is to be revered, then rent Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and witness firsthand the magic that is NPH.

Cal – How on Earth do you lose to Oregon State at home with a National Championship on the line!?! Sad.

West Virginia – With South Florida’s loss in Piscataway to Rutgers, the door to the Big East Championship is now open (there is an actual door…I’ve seen it…it changed my life.). This is a fantastic TV team, and I look forward to seeing them back in a BCS bowl.

Kansas – No. Nah. Well…Is it possible for the Fighting Manginos to run the table? Maybe. Surviving road trips to Boulder (shut up, Brandon), College Station, Stillwater, and Mount Rushmore will not be easy, but at least the good folks in Larry will have something to focus on before turning their attention to Bill Self’s hoop team as they gear up for another run at a first-round exit in March.

Arizona State – I have no idea if this team is good enough to play with the big boys, and the loss of Ryan Torrain will not help matters much. ASU has had a nice run, but with Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC in the next four weeks the run will go Gump (get it…Forest Gump…stops running IN THE DESERT…Arizona State is in the desert…forget it).

Oregon – The Ducks may end up as one of the teams on the outside looking in. With home games against SC, ASU, the Ducks could finish the season 11-1 with W’s over Michigan, USC, and ASU (all of whom may be ranked in the top 15 at season’s end). Oregon will win the PAC-10 and will face West Virginia in the Rose Bowl. Hee Haw comes to Hollywood! Quick, someone see if we can arrange a party at Chaz Sheen’s place in Malibu for Junior, Couter, and the rest of the Pyle nation.

Willie Ames Division: Do I need to say anything else?

USC – Stanford.

Florida – I can’t wait to see Ole Ball Coach punch Urban “I Have the Personality of Carpet” Meyer dead in the face on November 10th sending the Gators to their 5th loss in 6 games (losses – Auburn, LSU, Kentucky this weekend, Georgia in two weeks, and South Carolina). I hayte Florida!

South Florida – Rutgers. This is a much better loss than USC’s, Oklahoma’s or Cal’s. Rutgers is better than their record and the Big East is the third best conference in the county behind the SEC and Pac 10. However, programs like South Florida will not get the same benefit of the doubt as the big boys.