Reliving the Greatest Moments of Your Little Lives – The Glorious Review of The Triumph of Week One:

Overall Picks – 9-3
Hammerlocks – Five and Oh!

Georgia Tech +1 vs. Notre Dame – The Jimmy Clausen era seems to be on hold (buck up little camper, and keep making those F&*cking pickles!) and the Golden Craniums lose the home opener (look at the sched., they may not win for a while). Book It! Georgia Tech 31 – Notre Dame 23

Great job by Charlie Weis and his Golden Domed staff members for executing a flawlessly consistent performance: bad on offense, bad on defense, bad on special teams, bad on the walk from the locker-room, bad on the walk to the locker-room, bad on the pregame meal, bad on…you get the point. ND does not yet have the athletes to compete for National Title, but losing by 30 at home to a good, but not great ACC team is inexcusable. Good luck, Mr. Clausen and welcome to Happy Valley. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Wyoming +4 vs. Virginia – I have a man crush on Wyoming QB Karsten Sween. Just say his name, no really, say it, SAY IT! Where’s my paper bag!?! Laramie will be straight jacked up (a phrase not typically associate with Laramie) and the Cowpokes will avenge last year’s overtime loss in Charlottesville. Book It! Wyoming 24 - Virginia 21 (Take the Money Line +140)

I am so damn good sometimes that I feel like walking away from the grind to pursue my dream of opening up an organic basil farm in Northern East Carolina…what…no East Carolina…but what about…s&%t. I love this Cowboy team, and they will make the BYU’s, TCU’s, BTU’s, and BTO’s of the world earn every shinny inch of the brass plated MWC trophy (courtesy of Farmer’s Trophies and Engraving). I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Wake Forest +6.5 at BC – Wake returns the core of last year’s Orange Bowl team (including RB Micah Andrews and QB Riley Skinner), and faces a BC team still shaken from Tom O’Brien’s exit to fellow ACC foe NC State. Book It! Wake Forest 30 - BC 21

Matt Ryan throws for 900 yards against Wake’s secondary, and Wake loses starting QB, Riley Skinner in the second quarter. The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds.

Wisconsin -14 vs. Wazzu – Cheeseheads rise from your slumber for now is the time to consume aged cheddar, brats, custard, Linies, and pack Camp Randall for what may be a run to the BCS title game. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, like the site of 50,000 Wisconsiners (ites?) leaving the cold of Madison, Sheboygan, and Osh Kosh for a warm weather bowl site in January. Red hats, red shirts, red shorts, bright white Nordic skin, and 47,000 mustaches (women and children represent a shocking high percentage). Mix that with the smell of citrus fruits and hot mustard and my friends, you have yourself an epic party. Book It! The Men of Cheese 40 – Wazzu 23

With Michigan’s loss, Wisconsin now has the inside track to the Big Ten + the team that came late to the party so we act like petty 16 year-old girls and were not going to count you Near n Near n Near Near title. If they can get through a road trip to You Don’t Count U unscathed (raise your hand if you have ever been scathed? It hurts like the dickens, campers.), then all that stands b/t Bielema’s men of Cheddar and Fire is a date with the Sweater Vest Nation on November 3 in Null and Void Town, USA! I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

BYU -4 vs. Arizona – Prediction: Mike Stoops will be back at OU next fall. Arizona can’t score and BYU is on the rise. I really don’t give a s*&t about this game, so crank up the 8-track and give it up for Foghat! Book It! BYU 34 Arizona 16

Repeat after me, touchdowns are our friends, touchdowns don’t cause nightmares, touchdowns make people happy, touchdowns do not cause global warming or global diming (it’s real! Look it up! Don’t make me do all of the f*&king work, idiots.)…good session, Mike. Same time next week? I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!


Georgia -6.5 vs. OK State - Okie State travels to Athens with a formidable combination of QB Bobby Reed, WR Adarius Bowman, and billionaire Boone Pickens. We have been unable to confirm the rumor that Boone offered Mark Richt his own Chik-fil-A franchise if he benches Matthew Stafford. Too much Stafford, too much REM, too much hedge = a UGA W. Book It! UGA 28 Okie State 21

Hey Florida, hey LSU, remember me! That’s right, folks…Mark Richt has put together another very solid group in Athens, and they will be in the mix for the SEC title. Other than a road-trip to Knoxville to catch Phil Fulmer on his last tour (get your Fulmer Tour 07: Hey, I Won a National Title with Freaking Tee Martin T-Shirts at www.peytoncomehometosaveus.com ), this becomes a one-game season for the Bulldogs: October 27 vs. Urban and his band of law abiding honor students. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Auburn -13.5 vs. Kansas State – K State coach, Ron Prince reads a book per week. Tommy Tuberville studies game film. Book It! The Braces Wearing Step-Sister to Alabama 31 - K State 17

Kansas State let Auburn off the mat…period. The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds

USC -46 vs. Idaho – On your right, Mann’s Chinese Theatre, on your left, Lindsay Lohan’s rehab center, and straight ahead the future site of most points scored in a college football game, the LA Coliseum. Book It! Troy 659 – Vandals 2

Ok, so I was off by a few hundred points. So what, I looked hot on Saturday night and I have a winning smile…screw it… The depth of my stupidity knows no bounds

Cal -6 vs. Tennessee – Warning: actual analysis ahead! Proceed with extreme caution and bring donuts. Vol QB Erik Ainge has a broken pinky so look for a couple of bad center/QB exchanges resulting in 14 CAL points. DeSean Jackson will have a huge day. Book It! Cal 39 – Vols 20

Cal looked fast and did just about anything it wanted to against a disappointing Group of Unpaid People squad. Me thinks that Cal may actually be the team it thinks it has been for the past several years. If they can maintain this kind of balance on offense and continue to dominate special teams (any kicker who deliberately kicks within 700 yards of DeSean Jackson should lose his scholarship), they will beat USC. I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!

Clemson +3 vs. Florida State – Father vs. Son, blah, blah, blah. FSU’s new coordinators, blah, blah, blah. Tommy Bowden on the hot seat, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. I want to talk about Pez! Pez: The candy that tastes great and promotes partial decapitation! Book It! Florida State 4 Clemson 3

Are there two more irrelevant so-called Big Time programs in the country!?! Florida State is like grunge music at this point. Great in the 90’s, but like Pearl Jam, haven’t done dik since. And Clemson, I mean, other than the stupid rock, what have they got? I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!


CU -2.5 vs. CSU – Deep breath, focus, stay clear, now DISCO! I have no clue what to expect from Ft. Sheep. They return a bunch of starters from a crappy team, and they get Kyle Bell back after knee surgery (quick, name the top 10 running backs after knee surgery, ok top 5…ok top 3…ok, name one who did not suck). What I do know is that Cody Hawkins has never lost as a starting QB (59-0), the Cheetah is the fastest animal on the planet, ears of Corn can’t hear for s&*t, and that Poker on TV is going to be big someday. Seriously, the Buffs seem to be solid on both lines, finally have some athletes at WR (too bad Josh Smith is out with a bruised kidney…I mean, c’mon! Hell, I climbed Kilimanjaro in 1968 with Tensing Norgay, Ted Williams, and James Brown with a torn ACL, a killer hangover from too much Upapuing [local beverage whipped up by the indigenous folks], and plantar fasciitis), and Hugh Charles is primed for a huge senior campaign (he will be the best back in the Big 12 this year or my name is not Brick Tamland!). The Buffs will dominate the lines, Cody will be efficient, and Hugh Charles goes for 2 Bills. Book It! CU 31 CSU 13.

I was a bit off on the dominating the lines thing and the Hugh Charles thing (could this mean that I have the SI power of jinxing people!?! Hooray! Let the masses flock to my domain so that they may stare into the eyes of infinite power. Behold the spectacle!), but guess what, 60-0! I am the smartest person ever to grace this earth!