Week 3: A Retrospective

Michigan -8 vs. Our Lady of Football and Stuff – The nation’s two most heavily recruited quarterbacks from the last recruiting cycle face off in a battle to save their respective seasons. Ryan Mallett and Jimmy Clausen have gotten much of the attention this week, but the difference in the game will be Mike Hart. Hart will have a huge day against a team that is giving up over 210 yards per game on the ground (if his Wolverine teammates decide to show up this week). All Mallett has to do is manage the game, make the easy throws, and avoid drive-killing mistakes. Michigan’s biggest obstacle is its mindset. The talent is there, but is the desire? Notre Dame is a below average team with one of the worst offenses in the country and has shown no signs of suddenly exploding (even against a Michigan team with zero hubris, swagger, and confidence). Book it – Michigan 30 Notre Dame 17

I was either dead on, or relived the train wreck of my high school/college/early 20’s romantic life this past week. In this case, I was pretty damn close. Hart did have a big day, and Mallett proved to be a more-than-capable backup for Chad Henne. What is surprising is Notre Dame’s total lack of offensive output. I thought Charlie Weis was an offensive genius (psst…with Ty Willingham’s players he was). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

Washington +4 vs. Ohio State – Not sure at this point what to make out of the 07 version of the Buckeyes. The defense is once again stellar, but the competition (Akron and Youngstown State) has been putrid, so who knows. What we do know is that Washington has shown tremendous offensive balance in its first two contests, and is coming off an impressive win over Boise State last week. Given Jim Tressel’s history, look for this game to be low scoring and a bit like watching Alka Seltzer dissolve. Jake Locker and the Huskies offense will find moving the ball difficult for much of the day, but they will do just enough to pull off a second consecutive upset over a ranked team. Book It! Washington 17 Ohio State 16

This game was very similar to my Alka Seltzer prediction until Jake Locker threw a third quarter pick deep in Buckeye territory with UDub trailing 17-7. After that, the Bucks dominated with outstanding defense and an offense that would make Dan Reeves proud. Tressel would rather have just three downs so that he could punt more often, but you can’t argue with the results. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Arkansas +3 at Alabama – This is a huge game for both teams. Nick Saban is trying to make Bama relevant again, and Houston Nutt is trying to keep his job. Bama has given up just 63 yards per game on the ground in their first two contests, but Darren McFadden and Felix Jones will cause that number to go up significantly. If Razorback QB, Casey Dick can establish any semblance of a passing game (made more difficult without the services of Marcus Monk), Arkansas wins. If not, this could be the beginning of a disappointing autumn in Fayetteville. Book it – Arkansas 24 Alabama 20

I don’t mind pushing on such an outstanding game…bulls&*t! I hate tying! Tying is like winning a $1 on a lottery ticket, drinking warm Coors Light, or getting a massage from a sweaty Russian man who doesn’t read social cues (this actually happened to me…thanks, honey!) McFadden and Jones combined for almost 300 yards, and Casey Dick threw 3 TD passes, but someone forgot to tell the Hogs that Alabama was allowed to throw the football! I am of average intelligence, and have very poor hygiene, posture, and taste in modern architecture!

Wyoming +12 at Boise State – Both teams bring solid defenses and balanced offenses into what should be a great game. I love what Joe Glenn is doing in Laramie, and though I do not think that the Cowboys will leave Boise with a W, they will keep this close. Look for the Cowboy secondary to force 2 Taylor Tharp turnovers, and for Karsten Sween to continue his solid play. However, Ian Johnson and Chris Petersen’s creativity will be the difference. Book it – Boise State 27 Wyoming 23

Wyoming is not quite at Boise’s level, but they are on the right track. Look for Joe Glenn to exit Laramie after leading the Cowboys to a bowl in 2007. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

CU +4.5 vs. Florida State – I will always pick the Buffs to cover. I have no ability to asses this game from an unbiased perspective. However, this is the biggest game in Boulder for several years, ESPN has been good to the Buffs in the past, and the Buffs see the return of Josh Smith and Hugh Charles (two of their 5 fastest players). Sigh. Let’s just move on before I end up in tears…again.

Due to time constraints, we now move on to the relevant portion of our program. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Wake Forest -20 vs. Army – Wake is better than its 0-2 record with losses coming on the road at BC, and in the waning seconds (a game they should have won) against the Cornholios. Look for Wake to blow past a bad Army team with relative ease.

Wake slept walked through this game because they hate me (I have the mail to prove it!). I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Texas Tech -28 at Rice – Rice gave up 7 miles in passing yards to Baylor last week, and got beat by Nichols State in week one…my sources tell me that Texas Tech will deviate from their vaunted ground attack and will actually try to throw the ball. Look for Graham Harrell to throw for about 700 yards and Tech to put up 60 plus against the Owl.

Graham Harrell threw for 6 TD’s against a very talented Rice secondary. Mike Leach should be commended for his willingness to play the best anywhere, anytime. If Rice, UTEP, and SMU aren’t scary enough, Tech faces Northwestern State in two weeks on ESPNTP (test pattern). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

East Carolina +1 vs. Southern Miss – The Pirates have looked damn good against the run in the first two weeks including last week’s W over the Tar Heels. Southern Miss prefers to run the ball to set up the pass, thus Jeremy Young and his 47% completion rate will have the game in his hands. Yikes.

East Carolina, where the trees grow like hair! East Carolina, my heart and upper torso long to be there! East Carolina, a place where skunks run free! East Carolina, my home how I miss thee! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Central Florida +17.5 vs. Texas – Don’t let the final score of Texas’ W over TCU last week fool you. The Longhorns played below the level of their talent for much of the game, and they have not found much consistency on offense. George O’Leary and the Black Knights have had two weeks to prepare after a nice win in week one over NC State. Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.

“Why in the hell Texas scheduled a road game against UCF is beyond me, and don’t be surprised if this one is close real, real late.” Me, Last Week

No one in the history of man has ever made a prediction as stellar as this. This significance of this pick will have ripples for generations!

I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


Oregon -16.5 vs. Fresno State – Had Fresno left College Station with a triple OT W last week I might feel differently…however, they didn’t. Oregon probably gets too much credit for the pimp slapping they put on the Corn and Cobalt last week, but they did look impressive (even if Michigan played like it was a dress rehearsal for the Las Animas High School production of Hairspray).

Oregon smoked a FSU team that took A&M&T&RS (Truck and Reading Stuff) to 3 OT the week previous. Look for the Ducks to scare the crap out of USC and Cal (they will win one of the two; both games are in Eugene). I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth! (that’s 2, B-Love!)

Vandy -5 vs. Mississippi – Vandy, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love your hair, your toes, your scent, the way you look dripping wet, your…damn, therapy is still not working!

I do not have physical feelings for Vandy. I do not fantasize about beyond trapped in an elevator during a protracted blackout with Vandy. I do not dream of Vandy swimming in a sea of whipped cream and cheap scotch. Thanks, doc. I feel much better. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!

UNLV +17.5 vs. Hawaii – Let me repeat. HAWAII IS NOT THE SAME TEAM OFF OF THE ISLAND! Vegas gave Wisconsin all it could handle last week, and it will do the same to a Hawaii team that seems to care very little about stopping the other team.

Holy crap, I am really, really dumb. I am approaching reality TV participant dumb at an alarming rate. At this pace, I may hit the Republican think tank level by the end of the week! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Kentucky vs. Louisville (77) – In a first for the Journal, I am advising readers to TAKE THE F&^KING OVER! Hell, they may eclipse this number by halftime. Did you see Louisville’s defense against Middle Tennessee last week? Neither did I, and neither did anyone else as they were nonexistent. Andre Woodson and Brian Brohm will combine for 1,000 yards passing and both teams will score in the 40s. Book It! – Louisville 59 Kentucky 48

Ok, so I was off by a few points. However, I nailed the general flavor of the contest, right? Well, screw you! I am taking my UNO cards, my bag of Funions, my Hammer pants and I am going home to cry. I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Tennessee +7.5 at Florida – This will be the first real test of the season for the defending national Champs and their fearless leader, Bill Belichick, Jr. While the Gators played Yahtzee with Troy and Western Ky., Tennessee went on the road to face Cal, and then pulled away from a decent Southern Miss team last week. Cal’s speed was good preparation for what the Vols will face in the swap, and though Florida will prevail, Tennessee will keep this one close (only 4 times in the last 10 games between these two have been decided by more than a touchdown). There is no denying Tim Tebow’s talent, but he will make mistakes (the Vols will turn at least one Tebow interception into six) against a Tennessee defense that finally showed some life in the second half against SOMISS. Look for this one to be a bit ugly, and for Florida to struggle early before pulling away after a late Erik Ainge interception. Book It! Urban’s Band of Rhode Scholars 24 Phil and the Orange Cream Cicle Nation 17

Florida is a fantastic football team in all phases of the game. They will lose in Baton Rouge on October 6, but it will be one helluva battle. How on Earth did I take Tennessee and the points!?! That’s it! No more Surprise Pie on Thursday night at Stuckeys! You have my solemn word on this, and I will even put my Surprise Pie matching socks and dickey on EBay this very minute! I have the IQ of a dyslexic flea!

Southern Cal -10 at Nebraska – I have read volumes of excrement discussing SC’s offensive woes against Idaho in week one, and I am here to tell you that what you saw in week one included about 2% of SC’s playbook. Yes, the game is in Lincoln, but SC is no stranger to hostile environments (Auburn, Va Tech, Notre Dame). SC is simply too talented, and too well-coached for Nebraska to have a chance in hell of pulling off the upset. This line is way too small as Nebraska may not see the end zone. Book It – SC 30 Corn 6

Can’t we just scrap the rest of the season and schedule a round-robin tournament with SC, LSU, OU, Florida, Ohio State, West Virginia and Cal? Who would be against this? Shut up, Penn State! You, Wisconsin, Texas, and Rutgers are in a timeout, and if you don’t start using nice words, no more Wow, Wow, Wubbzy for a week…and tell BC to quit wetting the bed. I am the smartest man to ever walk the face of this Earth!


This Is A Type Of Kinda Like A Formal Dedication, Giving Out A Shout For Much InspirationAll I Ever Really Want To Do Is Get Nice, Get Loose And Goof My Little Slice Of LifeSendin' Out Love To All Corners Of The Land, I Jump Up On The Stage And Take The MicIn My Hand Not Playin' The Roll Just Being Who I Am, And If You Try To Dis Me I Couldn't Give A Damn, 'Cause I'm Rockin'