Least Valuable Player of the Week:

Brett Michaels.

After taking the summer off to shape the future of our country by working 17 hours days for little pay in the rural hell that is Elbert County, all I wanted to do this week is relax, scratch, and catch some tube. So after watching 398 hours of college football previews, I took a break and tuned into Rock of Love, the story of aging rock star Brett Michaels and his quest to find the perfect mate. I sat through about 45 seconds of this colossal waste of time, and I decided to do some research. After lab tests, consulting with experts in the field (Mark Chumura, Corey Feldman, and Mitt Romney comprised our Blue Ribbon panel), and conducting phone surveys, the results are conclusive: Brett Michaels is indeed the biggest cheese-d*&c on the planet! Every rose has it thorn and every bandana covers a bald head. Brett, unfortunately, was not on camera much in this particular installment because according to him he was busy at the studio. I’d bet my pancreas that the words Sears and portrait were prominently involved.