Quote of the week:

“So, I took the enema and I feel much better.”

This lovely little gem was spoken by a hairy, naked Russian man this morning in the locker room where I work (no, there are no locker rooms at Taco Bell, genius) as I poured myself a cup of morning joe. After throwing up in my mouth, I returned to my office with great alacrity and updated my resume. The vision of this event is certain to haunt me for decades to come; oh joy.

Will the Last One Left at the Party Please Turn of the Fondue Pot!

I know that New Orleans is not the same city it was before W and his minions turned in a Mets-esque performance in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but the way BCS National Championship contenders are getting kicked in the d*&k you’d think the game was being held in Tehran (by the way, nice performance in NYC, Ahmadinejad! Fantastic impression of a talking penis!). Does anyone outside of Columbus want to be in New Orleans in early January!?! The situation is at the point where pretty soon we will be discussing the resumes of the best 2 loss teams in the country.

Well, given the fact that I am the smartest man on the planet, I will once again predict the future (earlier predictions include Bill Callahan’s demise at the University of Corn Science, Hugh Charles emerging as the best back in the Big 12, and the Colorado Rockies winning the National League Pennant…ok, I didn’t predict that one until Game 3 of the NLCS, but it still counts, muthaf*&kahs! Quick side note – do the Rockies get actual pennants like the ones we hung in our rooms as kids? If so, that is really, really cool.). Now, back to the road-to-New Orleans-even-though-no-team-will-travel-on-an-actual-road preview of the final five twelfths of the 2008 college football season!

George Clooney Division: Yes, I have a man crush on George Clooney. A fine man, a fine actor, a bleeding heart lefty like me, and a snappy dresser…he is at the top of the food chain, hommies.

Ohio State – Since there is very little else to do in Columbus (trust me on this one), Bucks fans can turn away from pathological over-eating and focus on future pathological over-eating in New Orleans. However, a date with the suddenly resurgent Wolverines in Ann Arbor could get a bit sticky (rumor has it that Michigan will coat the Big House field with a fine layer of peanut butter, honey, and vegemite). Surprisingly, the Bucks have flown somewhat under the radar this season mostly due to the fact that the Big 10 looks more like CUSA at this point. However, this is the same type of team with which the Bucks won it all in 2001, and they may just do it again…but they won’t.

Boston College – Matt Ryan is the best quarterback in the country not playing for the University of Kentucky and BC has a relatively easy road to New Orleans. Their fate will be decided next weekend as they travel to Blacksburg to face a still over-rated Hokies squad (can you get more hick than a team from Appalachia with the moniker of Hokies? Maybe Hee Haw University should just change its name from Mountaineers to the Branchless Family Trees and get it over with). BC will win in Blacksburg, but will lose on the road to Under Armour U in a few weeks.

LSU – Despite losing a game they should have won last week, LSU will run the table, win the SEC Championship, and will win the whole thing in a virtual home game in New Orleans. This team has too much talent to give up 43 points to Kentucky, but yet it happened. I don’t see the Bayou Bengals allowing anyone else off the mat like they did last week in Lexington.

Kentucky – Had the Wildcats not lost to South Carolina earlier this year, they would be in much better position to get to NO. However, Kentucky has very little chance of making it to the SEC CG much less the BCS CG, and look for them to drop at least one more game this season (at Vandy or at UGa).

South Carolina – I would do back flips if the Game Carks found their way to NO to face Ohio State. The thought of a Spurrier holding court with the national media makes me giddy. Sadly, the South Carolina will lose again to LSU in the SEC CG and we will be left with the always gregarious Jim Tressel and the homespun magic of Les Miles. Whoopie! Cheetos for everyone!

Oklahoma – Who have they beaten? Exactly. Who’s left on their schedule? Exactly.

Neil Patrick Harris Division: If you don’t believe me that NPH is to be revered, then rent Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and witness firsthand the magic that is NPH.

Cal – How on Earth do you lose to Oregon State at home with a National Championship on the line!?! Sad.

West Virginia – With South Florida’s loss in Piscataway to Rutgers, the door to the Big East Championship is now open (there is an actual door…I’ve seen it…it changed my life.). This is a fantastic TV team, and I look forward to seeing them back in a BCS bowl.

Kansas – No. Nah. Well…Is it possible for the Fighting Manginos to run the table? Maybe. Surviving road trips to Boulder (shut up, Brandon), College Station, Stillwater, and Mount Rushmore will not be easy, but at least the good folks in Larry will have something to focus on before turning their attention to Bill Self’s hoop team as they gear up for another run at a first-round exit in March.

Arizona State – I have no idea if this team is good enough to play with the big boys, and the loss of Ryan Torrain will not help matters much. ASU has had a nice run, but with Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC in the next four weeks the run will go Gump (get it…Forest Gump…stops running IN THE DESERT…Arizona State is in the desert…forget it).

Oregon – The Ducks may end up as one of the teams on the outside looking in. With home games against SC, ASU, the Ducks could finish the season 11-1 with W’s over Michigan, USC, and ASU (all of whom may be ranked in the top 15 at season’s end). Oregon will win the PAC-10 and will face West Virginia in the Rose Bowl. Hee Haw comes to Hollywood! Quick, someone see if we can arrange a party at Chaz Sheen’s place in Malibu for Junior, Couter, and the rest of the Pyle nation.

Willie Ames Division: Do I need to say anything else?

USC – Stanford.

Florida – I can’t wait to see Ole Ball Coach punch Urban “I Have the Personality of Carpet” Meyer dead in the face on November 10th sending the Gators to their 5th loss in 6 games (losses – Auburn, LSU, Kentucky this weekend, Georgia in two weeks, and South Carolina). I hayte Florida!

South Florida – Rutgers. This is a much better loss than USC’s, Oklahoma’s or Cal’s. Rutgers is better than their record and the Big East is the third best conference in the county behind the SEC and Pac 10. However, programs like South Florida will not get the same benefit of the doubt as the big boys.

From the Dexter Manley Library of Things with Little Symbols and Numbers:

The Children by David Halberstam – If you can pull yourself away from the sports section of your local Border’s, check out this title by one of the best American authors of the 20th century. Halberstam, who unfortunately passed away in 2007, chronicles his life as a young reporter working in Nashville during the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960’s and his time spent following a phenomenal group of black college students and their struggle to change a nation and a culture. This is a fantastic read, and you may actually learn something.



Roman, you need to read this book and you need to make your students read it. You will thank me!

Cool Like Sandals and Black Socks:

I saw 43 Year Old Man (like Superman, but with more money, a bigger ego, and a smaller…) driving a brand new Corvette the other day sporting a “no man is my equal and I have Scarlett Johansson on speed dial” look, Top Gun sunglasses, Ted Danson boat shoes sans sock, and a Polo shirt complete with the popped collar while listening to Foreigner for all of us fortunate enough to be in his presence to hear. I love 43 Year Old Man. He is so rad.

Would someone tell men in their mid-40s that driving a corvette is NO LONGER COOL!

I Will Call Him, George. I Will Love Him, and Hug Him, and Kiss Him:

I am going to shoot the next person who names a college football Saturday with hollow-point Nerf bullets at point blank range. I swear I’ll do it; I am that f*&king crazy. It’s Like That.

Survival Saturday, Showdown Saturday, Removing the Corns from My Feet Saturday, Barium enema Saturday, Full Frontal Bingo Saturday, Constipation and Cocktails Saturday, Paying Drunk People to Eat Stuff Saturday (aka, The Don Jones Memorial Competition of Ingesting Borderline Safe Substances Saturday)…

Quietly Crying in the Corner While Sucking My Thumb:

That last section brought tears to my eyes thinking of the halcyon days of when Nerf was one of the top 3 most important things in my life. I think that more stuff should be made from Nerf. Don’t underestimate the power of Nerf. Think about it! Have you ever not smiled when Nerf was prominently involved? Exactly! Just saying Nerf makes me smile. So do kittens, and peaches, and unicorns and meat and tacos, yeah, I love tacos, and marble counter tops, and ping pong, and Karaoke, and Hank Kingsley, and cumin and they way deer poop forms in little balls, and corn.

Wait! He’s Still Alive!?!

Everyone here at the Journal would like to wish Kenny Lofton a happy 73rd birthday!

Basebol Has Been Berry, Berry Good to Me:

I have watched exactly 794 hours of baseball in the past 6 weeks, and I have to say that I have never had this much fun following the sport that still holds a place in the hearts of American men that neither football nor ultimate Frisbee will ever reach. If you live in Colorado, and you don’t do everything short of beating up an old lady (over 75) to get World Series tickets then you cannot justifiably call yourself a sports fan.

Like No One Saw This Coming:

As inevitable as morning wood waking up to say “hello” 30 seconds before the bell rings at the end of your freshman year algebra class, Bill Callahan is on his way out at Nebraska…shocker. This guy is a joke, and Nebraska did the right thing by firing Steve Pederson and unthawing Dr. Tom from the cryogenic chamber to lead the search for a new head coach. Money here says that they go with a Nebraska guy, so look for Buffalo head coach, Turner Gill to get a call from Dr. Tom.

Lickable Links:

Every time you read the magic that is this journal, I am sure that you shake your head and utter, “How can one man know so much when I know so little?” The sheer force of this imbalance may cause the Earth to spin uncontrollably off its axis; how can I stop this catastrophe before it’s too late!?!” Well, you can’t. However, in the meantime, you can check out these links for some fun before the inferno commences.

www.cfn.scout.com
http://sports-ak.espn.go.com/ncf/index
http://buffzone.com/blogs/
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

Classic Quote:

Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
It jumped up a notch. It did, didn't it? Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart. I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident? Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident. Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

If you don’t know what movie this is from then you suck. Yeah, you do. You suck. Sucky, suck, suck! Suckah! Suck.

I would love, LOVE to get in a fight like that with my boys. Man, that would be so freaking cool.

Brilliant Insight:

Does anyone really care that Charles in Charge is 45 and single? Or 55 and balding? Or 65 and has a UTI? Or 75 and scaring young children? Or 85 and in diapers?

VHI: The Dumping Ground for Celebrities Who Are No Longer Relevant to Anyone on the Planet Other Than Themselves!

Fun Facts About the Man You Have Come to Worship:

I have started an online petition to make hockey illegal below the 42nd parallel. Go to www.savehockeyforcanadacausethatsallwehaveotherthanNickelbackgodwehateNickelback.com/banhockey/nerf/Molson/Lorne/Barenakedladies.html to sign the petition. You have the power to give the gift of hockey. You have the power to give the good people of Winnipeg, Regina, Hamilton, Quebec City, Halifax, PEI, and Saskatoon a reason to act violently Canadian once more! Hockey does not belong in Phoenix, Anaheim, Nashville (I mean, WTF), Florida, Carolina, and, yes, even Denver! Hockey belongs in a place where it is truly understood, and will be nurtured, and allowed to flourish! Break open a Labatt’s, put on some pants, and log on to save a sport, and more importantly, to save a country and its people! Thank you. Oh, Canada, my home and native land…

Signs that I have an unhealthy affinity for College Football:

As I write this, I am watching UCONN vs. Soon-to-be-on-probation-thanks-to-Coach-Cal-and-Bobby-Petrino University for the second time. That one actually hurts a bit.

For the Love of Tom Jones, Would Someone Please Stop Them Before They Hurt Themselves:

From ESPN.com - WACO, Texas –
The Baylor assistant football coach cited for public urination resigned Thursday.
Offensive line coach Eric Schnupp was suspended indefinitely by the university this week after being cited for urinating on the bar at a tavern. His resignation was effective immediately.
Schnupp was in his first season at Baylor, the world's largest Baptist university. He spent the previous three seasons coaching the offensive line at West Texas A&M.
Head coach Guy Morriss and offensive coordinator Lee Hays will oversee the offensive line. Morriss had doubled as offensive line coach before hiring Schnupp during the offseason.
Schnupp wasn't arrested but issued a citation early Sunday for disorderly conduct-reckless exposure at Scruffy Murphy's, police said. The citation is a Class C misdemeanor carrying a $258 fine, according to Waco Municipal Court.
Bartender Danny Severe said an employee saw Schnupp urinating on the bar, and a manager told police officers who were there on an unrelated matter, the Waco Tribune-Herald reported Tuesday.
The incident occurred several hours after the team had returned from Lawrence, Kan., where the Bears lost to Kansas 58-10.
Maybe he should have peed on Mark Mangino instead. Let’s just move on.

Brushes with Greatness:

Paul Reiser nearly ran me over with his Range Rover at a time when he still had a career.

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You:

Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain.

Overall Record:
57-39-2

Hammerlocks:
19-10-1

Week 8 Games:

Texas A&M +2 at Nebraska – This one is too easy. Nebraska is circling the drain, and the events of the past week have not helped. A&M is fantastically miasmic, but Nebraska is DOA.

Okie State -2.5 vs. Kansas State – K State got torched by Hugh Charles last week for nearly 180 yards, and the Buffs ran for well over 200 yards against a fast, but undersized Wildcat defense. This game is about matchups, and that’s bad news for the Kitties. Oklahoma State has averaged nearly 275 yards on the ground over their last 3 ballgames and they should find plenty of room to run Saturday. K State’s preparation and special teams will keep this close, but the Cowboys will cover (but not by much).

Tennessee -1 at Alabama – Who do you root for here? Fullmer? Saban? Yikes. Let’s hope this one ends at zeros in regulation and goes about 7 OTs before Tennessee kicks the game winner to leave Tuscaloosa with a dominating 3-0 win.

Virginia +4 at Maryland – Virginia has won six in a row, with 4 of those W’s coming by less than 6 points. This one will be close, and I will happily take the points.

Michigan -1 at Illinois – Mike Hart is a game time decision, so I don’t love this game. However, I like the story that is developing in Ann Arbor and the possibility of Michigan recovering from a catastrophic beginning to face Ohio State for the Big 10 title. If Michigan wins the Big 10, Lloyd Carr should get a contract extension, and no, I am not high. High, that’s funny word. Hey, man…I need some Funions bad!

Elton John Game of the Week:

CU +3.5 vs. Kansas – CU will beat Kansas straight up on Saturday. The moon is made of cheese. Kittens are agents of the devil. And finally, quilts can be melted and turned into marshmallow cream. I truly believe all of these things.

Moneyline Game of the Week:

Kentucky +220 vs. Florida – I am not buying Florida this year. They looked ridiculously good against Tennessee earlier this year, but have not been consistent offensively since then. Kentucky will score and score often. Forget the points; Florida will not be able to do enough offensively to leave Kentucky with a W. (Yes, that’s right! I bolded it! Yes folks, that is how I roll! Are people still saying this? Has it jumped the shark? Are people still saying jump the shark? Have I jumped the shark?)

Headed for B-List Hell on VH1 Game of the Week:

FSU -4.5 vs. Miami – This game has no meaning. Wow.

Why We Have AM Radio Games of the Week:

Penn State -7 at Indiana – Honey, it’s..it’s not…it’s not o…THE F*&KING GAME IS NOT ON TV! Go downstairs and listen to the game on the radio. I am going to watch Grey’s.

Too Lazy to Write Much Games of the Week:

Cincy -9.5 at Pitt – I will be sad to see the Manstache go…only 4 more weeks! Get your Dave Wannstedt Magical Manstache Tour tickets before it’s too late.

South Carolina -13.5 vs. Vanderbilt – Too much on the line for the Game Carks to do anything but dominate.

UNLV -2.5 vs. CSU – CSU has lost 136 games in a row. Vegas will make that 137. Let’s all celebrate by doing the forbidden dance…everybody, La Bamba or is it Lambada..ah, screw it.

Too Lazy to Write Anything Games of the Week:

Wake -3 at Navy
Mississippi +5 vs. Arkansas
Air Force -3 vs. Wyoming
New Mexico -8.5 at SDSU
Oregon -13 at Washington

Guantanamo Bay Game of the Week:
Rice PICK EM vs. Memphis – U – G – L – Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, hey, hey, you ugly..

Over/Under Games of the Week:

Fresno State vs. SJSU – OVER 57.5
Cincy vs. Pitt – UNDER 50

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

Texas Tech +3.5 at Missouri – Texas Tech is such a difficult team to prepare for because you only see this scheme once a year. Tech is good, and they will put up big numbers against an average Missouri secondary. This is a huge game for both teams, and look for Tech to leave Columbia with a W.

Michigan State +18.5 at Ohio State – Michigan State is the best team Ohio State has played this year, and Mark Dantonio gave Tressel fits when he was at Cincy. Ohio State will win rather easily, but the Spartans will do just enough to cover.

LSU -10 vs. Auburn – If LSU does not play like their hair is on fire, then Les Miles did not do his job this week. Auburn does have a very solid defense, but LSU has too much on both sides of the ball for this to be anything but another Saturday night ass-whoppin in the Bayou. This one is for you, Baker.

Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide of a Cheese Sanich Supernova in the Sky!

Flea on the Hind End of an Undersized Mule Suffering from Low Self-esteem:

Isaiah Thomas, GM & Head Coach, New York Knicks

Zeke’s misogynistic tap dancing cost MSG and the New York Knicks just short of 9 million $$ this week as a jury of his peers (one can only assume all 12 jurors were fantastically gifted point guards, horrific business people, and graduates of the Corey Feldman School of Dill) found Thomas guilty of sexual harassment. Incredulously, neither the Knicks nor the NBA have taken steps to discipline Thomas, and probably won’t do much more than slap Isaiah on the wrist (and make him coach the Knicks again). Does Zeke have photos of James Doolan and David Stern with Bin Laden in the basement of MSG, or hanging with Mike Vick on the weekends? If Isaiah was a crafty GM or a solid X’s and O’s guy, one could still be disgusted by the lack of punishment, but at least we could understand the turning of the blind eye. BUT, Thomas is at best one of the worst GM’s in the history of the league, a horrible developer of talent, and one of the worst business people in the history of the sport. For a good laugh, take a look at this roster (and especially the salaries) http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/teams/roster?team=nyk. Isaiah, you sir are a weapons grade Dill Hole!


Others Receiving Votes:
TSA Employees – Have now moved ahead of DMV employees as the most miserable people on the planet.
Marion Jones – Everything, everything she has done as an athlete has been flushed down the toilet. However, at least she has admitted that she did it (although she was most certainly pimping for book deal). Memo to Landis, Bonds, et al, WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU AND THE MORE YOU PROFESS YOUR INNOCENCE THE MORE WE VOMIT IN OUR MOUTHS!
Travis Henry – See above, Travis. Keep protesting that B-sample, and we’ll keep not believing you.
James Doolan – You and Isaiah deserve each other. You go together like toilet seats and the remnants for recent usage.

Quote of the week:

“Then why don’t you start gambling.” My Lovely Wife

My beloved provided this earth-shattering quote in response to the news that one of my several readers won $400 the previous week based on my picks. This was truly an historic moment; at no point since lightning stuck the primordial ooze had a woman encouraged a man to gamble on sports. After blacking out for several seconds, I pulled the car over (now you are wondering, if he was passed out…), kissed my wife, wet myself, and topped it off with a marathon session of naked backgammon! Good times, Hamilton, good times indeed.

The Invitees to My Pretty Little Pony Themed Tea Party and Bingo Extravaganza! (The 13 best teams in the land with a look at their road to BCS City):

The Alpha Dogs

LSU – Still the best team in the country, and no, I do not put any stock in a less-than-stellar performance against Tulane last week. They have a clear path to New Orleans.

USC – Fortunate to escape Seattle on Whatthef*&k! Saturday. The Trojans will not be tested much until the end of October when they go on the road to face Cal, Oregon, and Arizona State before finishing the season against schizophrenic UCLA. They will lose one of those games, and it will cost them a shot at the national title.

Ohio State – If the Bucks continue to play the way they have been playing the last few weeks, they will end up back in the BCS title game. The only stumbling blocks are at Purdue this weekend (a game they should win rather easily), and at Michigan to end the season.

Cal – The Bears now own the best road win in the county this season after coming from behind to beat Oregon in a thriller in Eugene last Saturday (the Ducks will have a tough time recovering from that one). Cal gets USC at home, and that fact may help deliver the Pac 10 Title to Berkley this year. However, Cal will stumble once on the road at Arizona State, or at UCLA prior to beating the Trojans.

South Florida – The Bulls may have the best set of wins among any of the top teams thus far this year (though a LSU W over Florida this weekend could change that fact). I love this team, and would do back flips to see them in a BCS bowl at season’s end. After a virtual bye-week against Florida Atlantic this week, the Bulls host Central Florida (don’t get caught half-steppin against the Black Knights), and then travel to Piscataway, and Storrs before they return home for what might be the Big East title game against Cincy on November 3. This team will win the Big East, and they may just end up playing for the whole burrito (f*&k the enchilada!) in January.

Boston College – Who in the hell is responsible for scheduling at BC!?! After starting the season with 3 consecutive ACC tilts, the Eagles have been running the gauntlet of Army, UMASS, and Baaci Ball Green. Things appear to be a bit more challenging in the ACC than they did just a few weeks ago with Virginia Tech, Florida State, Miami, and The Under Armour Turtles playing at a higher level. BC may end up with the ACC title, but it says here that they lose one or two ballgames along the way.

Cincinnati – This is one of the most intriguing teams in the country, and they are most definitely playing some of the best football no one has seen. We’ll know a lot more about this team after they go on the road to dance with a wounded Rutgers squad in Jersey this Saturday.

Waiting by a Phone that May Not Ring:

Wisconsin – Nice win in Mad Town against Michigan State, but they still have to prove that they belong in the discussion.

Florida – No repeat this year, and no repeat on this list next week.

Arizona State – Hmmm…they will have many chances to prove that they belong in the Top 10 with an upcoming 4 game stretch against Oregon, Cal, SC, and UCLA.

Georgia – A Nice team that will make a run for the whole ball of cheese next season.

South Carolina – This team should end up in the SEC title game for a rematch against LSU. Look for November 9 to be a triumphant day for Ole Ballcoach and The Fun Chicken Nation as they send Florida back to Gainesville with a L.

Oregon – The Pac 10 is good enough for Oregon to get back in Top 10. Run the table against SC, UCLA, and Arizona State, and this team may get one of the at-large BCS bowls bids.

Still Wetting Themselves at the Kids Table

Missouri – I do not believe that this team will win the Big 12 North, but they seem to have the pieces in place to at least make some noise. However, as long as Gary Pinkel roams the sidelines in Columbia, I feel pretty safe with my prediction.

Hawaii – Their schedule is a joke, but this team will finish the season without a loss (but will be left out of the BCS party).

Purdue – Still not sure about the Boilers, but much like Cincy, this weekend will reveal the truth about Joe Tiller’s squad.

Lickable Links:

Every time you read the magic that is this journal, I am sure that you shake your head and utter, “How can one man know so much when I know so little?” The sheer force of this imbalance may cause the Earth to spin uncontrollably off its axis; how can I stop this catastrophe before it’s too late!?!” Well, you can’t. However, in the meantime, you can check out these links for some fun before the inferno commences.

www.cfn.scout.com
http://sports-ak.espn.go.com/ncf/index
http://buffzone.com/blogs/
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/odds.aspx

The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You:

Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Contain.

Record for the Season:
47-30-1 (overall)
16-7 (hammerlocks)

Week 6 Games – All Quick Hitters This Week as I Much of My Focus Was Spent on Baseball, Sanich Making, and Working on Cold Fusion in My Basement…

Indiana -13.5 vs. Minnesota – Perfect setup for the Hoosiers after an impressive road W at Iowa last week.

Wisconsin +2.5 at Illinois – How can I be so lucky to get points with the number 5 team in the country. I know that Wisconsin has ????, but there is no way they get derailed in Champaign.

Kansas State -3 vs. Kansas – The Wildcats have proven that they can cut a little rug while the Manginos have spent most of the season at Country Buffet.

Michigan State -16.5 vs. Northwestern – The Spartans showed that they are going to be a team to recon with all season in a close loss last week in Mad Town, and Northwestern is still are really good drama school.

Wyoming -3 vs. TCU – This is where the Cowboys win the MWC macaroni necklace and $5 gift card to Jiffy Lube.

Georgia Tech/Maryland – Under 41.5 – Look for this game to be nice an ugly. Take the under and hop into a bubble bath!

Georgia -1 at Tennessee – Tennessee is a falling program and UGA is scary good on the road under Mark Richt.

Texas +10.5 vs. Oklahoma – I am probably going to regret this pick, but neither team showed much in their first conference tests. Texas has too many athletes and will play with too much desperation to get blown out. OU wins, but Texas scores late for the backdoor cover.

South Florida -16.5 at Florida Atlantic – Are you kidding me! South Florida is getting no love from the odds makers. This one won’t be close.

Arizona State -9 at Wazzu – It is never easy playing in Pullman, but Wazzu is a mess and Arizona State has way too much to play for to give anything less than a stellar performance.

Va Tech +5.5 at Clemson – As I said last week, Clemson is not a team to be trusted. Take a long look at the +200 moneyline.

Colorado -9.5 vs. Baylor – This could be a trap game for the Buffs, but I am sure that Dan Hawkins will remind his young squad that Baylor came into Boulder last year and walked away with a triple OT W.

Texas Tech -24.5 vs. Iowa State – TT will cover this by halftime. Best bet of the week!

Oklahoma State +6.5 at Texas A&M – This is a points pick. A&M will win a close one.

UCF -3.5 at East Carolina – UCF is a good football team, and will be very well prepared to visit my beloved home state and leave with a W.

Cincinnati +4 at Rutgers – The Nati is on the real, and Rutgers has got to be a bit wounded after getting bounced by the turtle last week.

LSU -7 vs. Florida – I love LSU in this game. In the Bayou, at Night, in front of a National TV audience against a Florida squad that has looked nothing like the one that pantsed the Vols a few weeks ago.

UCLA -22 vs. Notre Dame – UCLA is back (this seems to happen a lot against Our Lady).

Ohio State -7.5 at Purdue – Ohio Sate is playing at a very high level right now and will give Curtis Painter fits all day long.

Missouri -6 vs. Nebraska – This game will mark the beginning of the end of the Bill Callahan Era in Lincoln. On Deck: Joe Glenn!

Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Amadeus, Oh, Oh, Come and Rock Me, Amadeus! Where have you gone, Falco!?! Your genius is sorely missed.

Too Drunk to Fish:

Though I am taking an unexpected bye week from the Journal, I still want to give you guys my picks (I was 13-5 last week, and 4-1 on the locks; I am 39-21-1 for the season, and 13-5 on the locks) The Journal will be back, and as crappy as ever next week.

Here we go:

South Florida +7 vs. West Virginia - South Florida is primed for the upset, and you may want to think hard bout that +230 money line.

Purdue -22 vs. Notre Dame - Curtis Painter will have another huge day at the Boilers escort Our Lady to 5-Oh S&*t!

Illinois +3 vs. Penn State - Juice Williams will give Penn State fits and the Illini D will make it difficult for Penn State to establish much of a ground game. Illinois is team on the rise (they lost a close game to Missouri in week 1, and have won consecutive road games against better than normal Indiana, and Louisville killer, Syracuse).

Mississippi State +13.5 at South Carolina - After getting trounced in week one by LSU, the Bulldogs enter this game with a bit of Mo. South Carolina will suffer a bit of a LSU hangover, and two solid defenses will keep this one close.

Georgia -15 vs. Mississippi - Mississippi let Florida off the hook last week, and most likely expended a tremendous amount of energy in doing so. Georgia is due for a all-phases-of-the-game performance; look for this one to be a blowout.

CU +23 vs. OU - If I took Tulsa +23, then I am going to take the Buffs at the same number. I cannot imagine a scenario where the Buffs pull of the upset, but I can see the Buffs keeping this one reasonable. This is the best defense the Sooners have faced, and the Buffs seem to have enough pieces working to keep this one sticky until the 4th.

Syracuse -1.5 at Miami (OH) - I can't believe I am taking Syracuse as a road favorite, but this is a really bad Miami team.

Clemson -3 at Georgia Tech - Tech is in a free fall after starting the season with much hype. Clemson, who I still do not trust completely, has great speed, offensive balance, and a QB in Cullen Harper who has thrown 12 tds and ZERO interceptions.

Rutgers -18.5 vs. Maryland - After leading big at Wake last week, the Turtle turtled and lost a heart breaker in OT. The ripple effects of that loss will be seen this week as Rutgers will dominate from the first whistle.

Michigan State +7.5 at Wisconsin - At no point this year has Wisconsin looked like a BCS bowl team, but because of a generous pre-season ranking, they sit at number 9 in the country. Michigan State has looked like a differ net program under Mark Dantonio, and they will find success in Madison. PJ Hill fill find it difficult to get going against the Spartans solid run D, and Tyler Donovan cannot win this one on his own. Michigan State will win an ugly, defensive struggle, and end the Badgers dreams of a Big Ten title. Look hard at the +260 moneyline.

Cal + 6 at Oregon - Dennis Dixon is playing lights out, and Oregon will win this ballgame. However, this is too many points for Oregon to cover against a fantastic Cal team. Me thinks that the oddsmakers are putting too much stock in Oregon's win against a shattered Michigan team still recovering from an historic loss.

Florida State -1.5 vs. Bama - Florida State's defense will be the reason that the Noles win this one. However, FSU will find more success against a not-so-great Bama defense than they did against Colorado a couple of weeks ago.

Florida -18 vs. Auburn - You think Florida might have had a tough week of practice after a lousy performance against Ole Miss!?! Me too. Florida will have it all going this week.

USC -21 vs. Washington - I not sure what is going on here, but line in SC games have been strange recently. Only 10 point favorites again Nebraska, barely three touchdown favorites against Wazzu; I know they didn't cover the 8,327 point spread against Idaho, but c'mon. Whatever, I'll take the Trojans easily minus the 21 against a slipping Washington team.

Ohio State -23.5 at Minnesota - Minnesota cannot stop anyone and Ohio State is really good on defense. Birds fly. Cow moo. Horse have big...heads.

Fresno State -12 vs. La. Tech - Tough road trip for La Tech. The Bulldogs are always tough in the Valley, and kickoff is not until 10:00 EST (7:00 PST). Fresno will make a full recovery from a tough stretch which included a heartbreaking loss in College Station, and a de-pantsing in Eugene.

Cincy -15 at San Diego State - Cincy is really, really good, and have given up just 30 poins in 4 games. San Diego State is a lower-tier Mountain West team with no discernible home field advantage (you think anyone will give a rats ass about the Aztecs with the Padres in the pennant race?).

Good night ladies and gentlemen; up next: Kajagoogoo!