The Brilliance That Lives in Me Will Now Be Shared with You. Not Because You Deserve It, but because Greatness this Significant is Impossible to Conta

Week 4 Games:

Michigan + 3 vs. Penn State – Now, I don’t for a second believe that Michigan has completed regained its confidence from hitting rock bottom a couple of weeks ago, but I do believe that they have enough to keep this one close. Penn State has played exactly zero quality teams (they beat Our Lady, Buffalo, and FLINT, the stone, Flint, Michigan, what?), but they seem to have the makings of a solid, if not spectacular team. Penn State has given up an average of 17 yards per game on the ground, but this stat is skewed considering they played a team with no running game (ND) and two teams that were forced to throw to play catch up. Mike Hart will get enough room from a veteran offensive line led by All-American Jake Long to keep Michigan in the game, and don’t be surprised if Penn State QB, Anthony Morelli turns the ball over a couple of times. In the end, Penn State will leave Ann Arbor with a W, but this one will be decided by the kickers. Book it! Penn State 30 Michigan 28

Michigan State -12.5 at Notre Dame – Michigan State head coach, Mark Dantonio has brought discipline and toughness back to East Lansing and has led the Spartans to a 3-0 start. Even when Bat S*&t Crazy, John L. Smith was leading the Spartans, they always played well against the Fighting Irish (how come no one says boo about this ridiculous stereotype being used as the nickname for such a self-important, holier-than-thou university?), and they will do so again this Saturday. Notre Dame will continue to struggle on offense, and with so many young players in the starting lineup, they will struggle even more with confidence. Book It! Michigan State 27 Notre Dame 13

Cal -13.5 vs. Arizona – Has anyone in Vegas watched Arizona this year? This one is the lock of the week! Arizona lost at home to New Mexico last week. If they can’t beat a middle-of-the-pack MWC team at home, what chance do they have against one of the best teams in the country on the road? Exactly. I know that DeSean Jackson is questionable for Saturday, but Cal had enough weapons to get past Arizona without breaking a sweat. Now, Cal does have a road trip to Oregon next week, but my guess is that they will be focusing on avenging a BCS killing loss to Arizona in Tucson last November rather than looking ahead to the Ducks. Cal will force Willie Tuitiama to make several mistakes and Justin Forsett will have another huge day. Book It! Cal 48 Arizona 17

Stanford +17 vs. Oregon – Late games on the West Coast tend to get a bit weird, especially a conference game that is off the national radar. Stanford looked good last week in blanking SJSU 37-0 and Oregon will be looking ahead to Cal next week. Oregon has been scary good the past few weeks, but something tells me they will be a bit off. Look for the Tree to get off to a good start and to keep this one close until the 4th. Book It! Oregon 40 Tree 27


Quick Hitters – I know more than you, and your tiny little brains cannot withstand the impact of all the wisdom I posses!

Tulsa + 23 vs. OU – Tulsa can score points in bunches (they put 55 on a solid BYU team last week) and although Tulsa seems to have little interest in stopping the opposition (they give up almost 500 yards in TO), they will make this their Superbowl and score enough to keep Sam Bradford and the boys from making this too ugly.

Cincy -23.5 vs. Marshall – Coach Brian Kelly has built upon the solid foundation left by Mark Dantonio. The Bearcats are great at home (ask Rutgers and Oregon State), play lights out defense and should easily dispatch of the Matthew McConaughey led fighting Green and White uniformed team from somewhere in West Virginia

CU -14 vs. Miami (OH) – With all sincerity, clarity, and charity I give you this lock. This will be the week that CU puts it all together. The Buffs will benefit from the fighting Polynesian, Mike Sipili and JC transfer, Chris Perri to shore up an already solid defensive front seven. Cody Hawkins, Josh Smith, and Scotty McKnight have big days for the Buffs in an easy win over the Red Hawks

South Florida -13.5 vs. Carolina – Carolina will get there under the guidance of Butch Davis, but they will pose little threat to the Bulls (unless they are stupid and look ahead to West Virginia, which will probably happen, which, in turn, will make me look stupid…so, if stupid A is riding in a train heading east from Chicago at 4 miles per hour and stupid B is heading west from Chicago at 3 miles per hour, who will eat their buggers first? Anyone?)

Indiana +3 vs. Illinois – My sources tell me that nearly 7 people give a crap about this game. That’s NHLesque, baby!

Ohio +4 vs. Wyoming – This is a tricky game for Wyoming. Playing in Athens is tough, and Frank Solich has brought respectability back to a historically laughable Bobcats program. Ohio will lead most of the game, but the object of my man-crush, Karsten “King Smooth” Sween (I gave him that nickname and sent him a homemade t-shirt with my picture. In return, I will soon receive notice of a restraining order. Good times, good times.) will lead the Cowboys to a late touchdown for the W.

Air Force +11 at BYU – BYU got kicked in the d*&k last week in Tulsa, and that kind of pain stays with a man. Air Force is riding high under the guidance of Troy Calhoun and will leave Provo with a W, and the inside track to the Mountain West Sheet Cake (couldn’t afford the trophy; The Mountain West Conference: The Official Conference of Guys Named Carl)

Wake -3 vs. Maryland – At this point, I am the man in the yellow hat and Wake is my Curious George. I leave George (Wake) alone to win games as I go somewhere (the one critical flaw in the CG series is that they never tells us WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAT ALL DAMN DAY) while George (Wake) ransacks an ice cream shop or terrorizes patrons at the zoo. Do I learn from his behaviour (it’s Canadian, biyatch!)? No. I just keep on leaving while George (Wake) does whatever the hell it wants.

UCF -7 vs. Memphis – UCF is a good football team and will be in a bowl in December. Memphis is two weeks away from the beginning of basketball practice, and about 24 months away from almost certain probation for recruiting violations. Thanks, Coach Cal!

USC -24.5 vs. Wazzu – USC is better than Washington State. For my next trick, I will take two pieces of bread, some cheese, and some mustard (no self-respecting sanich artist uses mayo) and through the power of illusion I will create what I call a sandwich.

Texas -38.5 vs. Rice – It has to happen at some point, so why not this week. Texas is due to beat someone badly. Another sub-par performance this week, and I think we can safely say that Texas’ problems are not an aberration, but a full-fledged inability to develop the talent they have in Austin.

Over/Under Special:

Purdue at Minnesota (69) – This will go over. Neither team plays defense. Curtis Painter will throw for 600 yards. Heard this before? Yeah, jackhole! Last week with your stupid pick of KY/Ville over, and furthermore, I…Touchdown! You have just witnessed an argument between and one of my voices, Lorne. Now, go buy a lottery ticket, an Oasis album (preferably, What’s the Story Morning Glory?), and some bright white SAS orthopedics and get ready to Congo!

The Truly Monumental Battles of Will, Strength, Speed, and Choreography!

LSU -16.5 vs. South Carolina – I would love nothing more than to see Ole Ball Coach pull this one off, but LSU will do to the GameKarks what they did to Va Tech a couple of weeks ago. South Carolina/Va Tech = Good team, great D, shaky QB = another blowout in the Bayou. Book It – LSU 40 Spurrier’s Little Farm Birds Who Like to Have a Good Time (not my best effort; I am truly sorry) 13

Kentucky +6.5 at Arkansas – I like what Kentucky is doing on offense, but they will struggle mightily to stop the run against a great running football team. Kentucky can win this game if it forces Casey Dick to throw more than he wants, and Kentucky will move the ball (look for Andre Woodson to have an easy time against a shaky Razorback back 4). However, Mr. McFadden will eclipse 250 yards on the ground and Arkansas will rush for nearly 400 yards as a team. You don’t lose when you rush for 400 yards at home. Book It – Arkansas 38 Kentucky 34


If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain…then you are really weird. I mean, I like PC’s as much as the next guy, but getting caught in the rain (especially with a diminished immune system as a result of too many of those luscious PC’s)? What could be fun about that? Sinus infection? Pneumonia? Hypothermia? Yeah, that does sound like fun! Weirdo.